Chapter 21: Interlude 3.5 - For now

Shinobu had wanted to leave her fingers tangled in Ryuu's hair to see how he would react. It was unfortunate, then, that he rolled over to lay on his back as he clawed his way into consciousness. Shinobu's hand retreated, settling back in her lap. Her fingers curled, itching with disappointment.

"Hn–" Ryuu's body tensed and gradually unwound itself once his sleep fogged mind made sense of his location. A yawn slipped out of his mouth, and Shinobu caught his wince when he lifted his hand in reflex. He abandoned the motion to cover his mouth, muttering, "Ow... that goddamn hurts."

"Does it still?" Ryuu went comically frozen. His neck creaked when his head whipped to face her. "Good afternoon. I was starting to wonder when you would wake up." Shinobu noted how she sounded more affectionate than she'd planned. It couldn't be helped, the open embarrassment on his face was too satisfying not to react to.

Ryuu jerked upright. "Shinobu! How long were you sitting here?" A wide eyed look crossed his face. "Not that I'm unhappy to see you. It's just… it must have been boring, sitting here, watching me sleep."

Shinobu's head dipped, and she stared at the hand on her lap. "Not at all," she said, watching her fingers curl. "I was able to keep myself occupied. I didn't mind waiting if it mean you'd have more rest."

"That's– that's good."

There was disbelief in his voice, and Shinobu bemoaned how he'd unwittingly ruined her chance to tease him. "How are you feeling? Are your injuries giving you trouble aside from slight aches?"

At his lack of a response, Shinobu lifted her head to look at him. Laughter bubbled out of her at what she saw, Ryuu scrambling to make himself presentable. He was raking his fingers through his hair in misguided attempts to flatten his bedhead, and frantically pulled on the overlapping cloth of his jinbei top to cover the v-shaped window that showed off a sliver of bare skin. The way he tried not to look at her as he groomed himself simply made her more amused.

Why he was reacting as if she had walked into him naked, Shinobu had no idea. She wouldn't voice it, but she found herself tickled with endearment. Clearing her throat, she called, "Ryuu-san? Hellooo, Ryuu-san?"

His panicked motions stopped short. "Yes, Shinobu?" He coughed awkwardly into one hand. "I mean, yes, Shinobu-san?" One of his hands was splayed on top of his knee, while the other was curled into a fist that rested outside his thigh, twitching at intervals. Ryuu had just woken up, and already he was overthinking things. She was going to have to rectify that.

"There is no reason to panic, Ryuu-san. I don't judge my patients for waking up looking half-delirious since it is not something they can control," she said.

When his mouth curved in a mock scowl, Shinobu reached over and placed her hand atop his. She smiled unabashedly at how he jolted. "Though out of everyone I've laid eyes on, I'll admit you're the most adorable."

Ryuu sputtered wordlessly for several seconds, then stared at their combined hands. "Do you tease everyone like this or am I the exception?" he asked, his expression conflicted.

Shinobu pulled back, noting the disappointment that crossed his face when she let go of him. "I wouldn't do this if I did not enjoy it." She shuffled closer, moving until their bodies were a finger's width apart. The hesitance in his frame melted away when she leaned gently against his arm, bearing her weight on his good shoulder. "And it's not like I would do the same for just anyone."

"Oh… and here I was, thinking it's the norm for you to kiss your patients," he replied.

Shinobu tilted her head to glare up at him, noting how his previous bashfulness had been replaced by an air of mischief. He grinned at her, his one eyebrow raised.

Damn. She'd played right into his hands. Shinobu rolled her eyes, grudgingly acquiescing to his victory. Without looking, she returned her hand to its position on top of his. "How sly. You're full of surprises, Ryuu-san."

"This merchant will gladly accept your compliment." He trembled with suppressed laughter. She huffed and wriggled her fingers, squirming them to fit snugly into the small valleys between his own. She heard his breathing stutter, followed by a sharp intake of air. He obviously hadn't expected her to act so bold.

Shinobu inwardly giggled. That had been an opening jab, he hadn't seen anything yet. Feeling his weight shift, she took the opportunity to speak. "Well, mister merchant. Wouldn't you agree that it's time we dropped the honorifics?" When Ryuu didn't immediately answer, she continued, "Considering what we did, continuing to observe formalities seems a little ridiculous. I'd prefer if you stopped acting distant and call me by my first name."

Shinobu felt a spark of anticipation as she concluded her words. Thinking about her name rolling off his tongue, she found herself strangely pleased. Maintaining this level of intimacy between them was fine with her.

"Before that, Shinobu-san. There is something I want to clarify."

Shinobu blinked, baffled by his lukewarm response. Hmm? This reaction, mild and controlled, had completely upended her expectations. She thought he would jump at the chance, acknowledge her request with an energetic exclamation.

Shinobu had a premonition she wasn't going to like what came next. "I'm listening."

"I won't mince words," he said. "I want to clarify what is happening between us."

"What for?" Shinobu winced at her hasty reply. It was too swift, too careless for such a loaded question. Not to mention how rude it was to Ryuu, who had likely deliberated over bringing it up in the first place. She hadn't meant to react so harshly, and her guilt worsened when Ryuu continued to speak, pacing his words as if she hadn't just spit on his good intentions.

"I'm not demanding you agree to talk to me, but as you said, given what we did, it's inevitable for the relationship between us to change. Changed in what way, I'm not sure, but I want to reaffirm my feelings. I wasn't lying when I said I adored you, and I'd admit… I thought you felt the same." Because she had coaxed him into kissing her, was left unspoken. "But then. The way you acted before you left…"

Aside from the brief stumble over the mention of what they shared in the infirmary, his words flowed easily and without a hint of an accusation.

"To be blunt about it," Ryuu said when she remained silent. "You were obviously upset. Shinobu-san, it's not that I wish to make you uncomfortable by bringing the matter up again… it's just, ignoring it will simply make things worse further down the line, especially when I know it involves me."

Shinobu shifted uncomfortably in the heavy silence that had dropped over them. This was a side of Ryuu she hadn't seen before, not when he typically acted friendly, but deferential in her presence. He displayed a cutting determination to find an answer, and it was a stark contrast with her memory of him reluctantly praising Fuji's pitiful advantages over him.

"I know you mean well," Shinobu answered softly. "But what if I said talking about it is unnecessary?" Though her words did not confirm or deny, she knew he would catch her meaning.

"I don't want to assume, which is why I decided to ask." Ryuu jutted his chin towards their clasped hands. "My first thought after you left was that you regretted what happened. But then I woke up to you flirting, rather blatantly if I might add." When he sighed, she felt his entire body deflate. "Shinobu-san… can we talk about this? Openly and honestly?"

Shinobu recalled yesterday's events. After she had brought him to this private room, she'd left him to change into his sleepwear before going off to prepare a sleeping drought. When she returned, she'd made him get into the futon and drink the concoction to get some rest. As she watched his throat bob, choking down the bitter mixture, her promise to Kanae had come rushing back.

And with it, came an overwhelming rush of betrayal.

Thinking about her sister, Shinobu's stomach churned. Last night's nightmare, a fragment of memory she'd wished never happened, seized the opportunity to resurface. She gently shoved away from Ryuu, relieving his shoulder of her weight and moving back until she was far enough to see the entirety of his face.

Ryuu gazed back, his expression patient. Shinobu could tell it wasn't an act. He was devoid of the usual signs of restraint she'd learned to pick out in men who tried, and had ultimately failed, to impress her. He didn't attempt to project a vision of a saint or someone all-knowing. He simply waited, sitting there as he watched her gather her thoughts together.

Shinobu couldn't help but marvel at his relaxed slant to his jaw, and how the defined features of his face, that held the same potential for severity as Tomioka or Shinazugawa, was pleasurably softened by a well-mannered smile. That was the most dangerous aspect, his smile. It wasn't overly exuberant and was polite enough not to cross the line into manufactured eagerness, exuding charming friendliness that put anyone who looked at him at ease.

Shinobu knew it was true she liked him– she wouldn't have encouraged him to kiss her otherwise. She'd even gone as far as to initiate the second, and it had been a test of discipline not to steal a third. But when she'd thought of Kanae, lying broken and bleeding for a world who didn't deserve her, Shinobu had been dragged back to reality.

They were Demon Slayers. Pursuing the normalcy of civilian life, relishing in the intimacy of a relationship and the things it brought– that was impossible. In the face of this realization, Shinobu had ran. Ryuu had watched with confusion as she abruptly declared she was exhausted and fled the room with a promise to return the next day.

After that, she'd stayed cooped up in the room trying to convince herself that their kiss meant nothing, simply an exchange of saliva, a moment lost to lust in the face of a potential mate. Shinobu had studied the human body extensively, something like giving in to her hormonal impulses made for a suitable explanation. Then Aoi and the girls returned, and she busied herself with her regular duties until she retired to bed.

Despite sitting a slight distance from him, Shinobu's hand stayed intertwined with his. Ryuu was silent as he watched her, his eyes gleaming in the faint sunlight that spilled through the gap in the window beside him. Shinobu traced the contours of his face, wandering past the bridge of his nose until her eyes reached the curves outlining his lips.

They had been slightly swollen after separating from their second kiss. She recalled the dazed look in his eyes, how she thumbed the lipstick mark she'd left at the corner of his mouth. Indeed, kissing him was not cause for grief.

Shinobu heaved a sigh. She'd been silent for long enough, and he deserved an answer even if it was an incomplete one. "Let's talk, then. I agree that this isn't something we can avoid forever." She hesitated, then added. "I used to know how to be unflinchingly honest. I've fallen out of touch with that skill in recent years, due to certain circumstances. I hope that you'll bear with me if I can't tell you the exact nature of my thoughts."

They would frighten you, Shinobu didn't say. A mind like hers, fixated on revenge… the things it could conjure up would kill the daydreams of anyone who coveted her.

"Everyone is entitled to their own secrets. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. That you're willing to try to speak your mind is more than enough for me," Ryuu said.

In the wake of the silence that followed, he cleared his throat and spoke up again. "The main issue I wanted to address is how we should approach this. Our… our relationship." His calm expression warped into something mortified. "Please stop me if you think I'm crossing any lines. I want to be truthful, not indelicate."

"Your words won't hurt me." Shinobu tossed him a look. "Although… hm, it feels as if you've done this before. Have you broken many hearts, Ryuu-san?"

"I hate to disappoint you, but no." Ryuu's face resembled the tomatoes Aoi had grown in the backyard in early this Summer. "I haven't… I mean, I'm completely new to this sort of thing. Moonlighting as a Slayer while running multiple businesses leaves me with little time for myself."

"What do you mean, 'this sort of thing'?" The tension in her shoulders drained when she felt how his hand had grown slick with sweat. "You should be more specific or risk leaving me with wrong ideas."

Ryuu glared at her. It wasn't very intimidating. Battling with flesh eating demons who could warp their features into grotesque abominations made withstanding his sulk hilariously easy, not to mention the amount of blood and ruined flesh she handled on a daily basis.

"Well?" Shinobu continued to feign ignorance. "I would appreciate if you clarified what you meant."

Ryuu slumped. "Romance. I was referring to romance, Shinobu-san." His head hung low, though it perked when she gave his hand a squeeze. She ignored the tingling that shot up her arm when he squeezed back. "You are the first woman I've… you know."

"I'm glad to hear that. Similarly, my suitors have never gotten as far as you have," Shinobu winked.

"That aside," Ryuu hastened to change the subject. "I want to know… are you open to accepting my courtship? This isn't a formal proposal that will lead to marriage, so please don't misunderstand. I'm not arrogant enough to lock you in an agreement." Shinobu could read the self-deprecation in the smile he directed at her. "The lifespan of Slayers are known to be quite short, after all."

"That is putting it mildly," Shinobu said. "We could die at a moment's notice. In that case, there's no reason to pursue something as sanctimonious as marriage, don't you agree? There is nothing wrong with living by oneself. We enter this world alone, and we will leave it the same way."

"I'm surprised. I didn't take you for such a cynic, Shinobu-san."

"You don't know me very well, Ryuu." At his surprised look, she gave him a grim smile. "Work in the Corps as long as I have, and you will eventually come to think the same." Shinobu shrugged. Kanae had always been the optimistic one. She had always been the overcast cloud heavy with rain.

"My stance might change, but it also might not."

"My, my. You're obstinate. I don't quite understand. Isn't it a waste of time to court me when you could be spending your precious time on better, more worthy things?"

"I recall a certain someone saying wanting and needing someone aren't mutually exclusive." Ryuu's eyes curved into crescents when she let out a muted sigh of exasperation, mixed with embarrassment. She'd spouted plenty of nonsense in the heat of the moment, but it wasn't as if she could take them back. "I agree with her. You are someone I want, Shinobu." His cheeks pinked. "What do… what do you think about me?"

"I like you." Shinobu was gratified by the way his eyes blew wide at her statement. "But I am not confident in our chances." His elated expression was immediately marred by a wince. "I spoke too hastily before and neglected to take into account how our differences might eventually open a rift between us. As the Insect Pillar, I have responsibilities and goals of my own, and I don't doubt you have yours, too."

Shinobu wondered why was she so adamant to turn him away after the trouble she'd gone through to reveal his heart to her. Perhaps… Shinobu's heart thundered. Perhaps it was because she'd finally realized, that once she took this step… there would be no going back.

"Thinking about those things now is pointless. It's inevitable to run into obstacles. The most important things is… are you willing to try?" Ryuu asked, cutting straight into the heart of the issue. Shinobu's free hand fisted her haori, rumpling the silky, waterproof material.

"I…"

"I was afraid of being a burden. I still am, and I'm frightened of many things, including my less than stellar ability to do battle with demons," he said. "But you opened my eyes. Even if it wasn't your intention, you helped me realize it was acceptable to feel that way." Ryuu drew his hand out of hers, then brought both together to engulf her tiny hand. "We have time to change. To grow. I don't know what will happen between us, if this turns out to be a mistake or not, but..."

He was leaning in, Shinobu distantly realized. "But?"

"But I want to try, anyway."

Ryuu's face stopped just a breath away, hovering above hers. Her heart thumped. Her breaths turned erratic. Her pulse jumped as she stared into his clear and hopeful eyes. His voice held the same strength from when he spoke about the victory of a human. That when Slayers continued to live, even under the shadow of demons, they had undoubtedly won. Living to the fullest could not be considered anything other than victory.

Shinobu thought of the recipes hidden in the secret compartment of her vanity and the latest piece she'd drafted. Last night's concoction had been probably been absorbed by the lining of her stomach by now, each pulse of her heart transmitting wisteria-laden toxins through her bloodstream. Death thrived in her veins.

Shinobu looked at Ryuu, bursting with life.

Could she… could she maybe share in some of that optimism herself?

Shinobu's body made the decision for her. She closed the distance and kissed him, his familiar warmth pressed solidly against her mouth. The feeling quieted the voice in the back of her mind, warning her of the gravest mistake she was about to make in this lifetime.

"Alright," she said. "We can try. Court me however you want, Ryuu."

Ryuu beamed. Instead of pulling back completely or diving in to capture her lips for another kiss, he gently rested his forehead against hers. He didn't need to speak for her to know what he was feeling. And for once, the smile on her lips was an accurate reflection of what she felt on the inside.