Chapter 20: Interlude 3 - And so, she remains frozen in time

There was blood on her hands.

The liquid was smooth and viscous, sliding between the valley of her fingers, defying gravity to arc across the back of her hand clutching Kanae's shoulder. The body Shinobu held continued to draw breath, but the occasional shuddering exhale told her oxygen was the least of its problems.

It hit Shinobu this blood wasn't just any blood, not from another slayer or an unlucky victim. It was her beloved sister's blood. It was Kanae's blood, and she could do nothing but watch as the last vestiges of her life bled out of her, drained like pus from a boil.

Shinobu's eyes pricked harshly. Fat globules of tears welled in the corner of her eyes, eyes that refused to leave Kanae's pale face. This was a sick and cruel joke. Why was the face that held beaming with smiles for everyone in this godforsaken world stripped of its brilliance by the very creatures she had pitied?

Unfair. So unfair.

"Don't die…" Shinobu knew it was worthless to beg, but she did it anyway. "Please, Kanae nee-san, don't die. Don't leave me!"

Kanae's hand, which had been reaching toward her, wavered and began to fall. Shinobu caught it and pressed it clumsily into her face. It struck Shinobu then, how clammy her sister's hand was.

Cold. Kanae's hand was so cold. It didn't feel right. Kanae had always been like the sun– filled with enough warmth to melt snow with a touch, an ever-humming heat source Shinobu cuddled into on bitter nights where winds howled and the shadows in their rooms grew long and demonic, a comforting heat that calmed her when she woke screaming from nightmares of their parents' final moments.

"Shinobu… I know you're working hard, and you really, really are." A pause preceded the rasping cough that spurted blood onto the buttons on Shinobu's uniform. Kanae's eyes slid shut, pained. "But maybe you'd be better off if you gave up the sword."

Shinobu shook her head. Tears ran down the sides of her face, painting twisted trails of regret that burned the skin it touched.

If only she'd arrived earlier, ran faster. Maybe this situation could have been avoided if she had insisted on coming along, even if it meant defying orders. Considering these what-ifs should have felt painful, but it paled in comparison to what her sister was going through.

"I just want you to obtain happiness like any normal girl would, and live until you turn really old." Kanae's fingers spasmed in a mimicry of her usual, gentle stroking. Shinobu heard her lungs contract and expand with a horrible pitched whine, then deflate like a waterskin with a large, ripped hole. "That's… enough for me…"

"No!" Shinobu snapped. A pulsating anger, the fury of a thousand suns, turned her blood into flowing streams of hellfire. "No, I won't ever quit!"

This stupid, tiny body which lacked the strength to cut off a demon's head couldn't even do something simple as saving Kanae. Shinobu's grip on her sister's hand tightened as she cursed herself into oblivion. She felt her mouth forming words, but it was a vague sensation which drowned under the horrifying fear of Kanae's impending doom.

"Shinobu…"

And then, she uttered single sentence that would be imprinted in her mind, a line that would resurface in her weaker moments, a soundtrack that played like a record in her dreams and nightmares.

"Kanae nee-san," Shinobu bit out. "I can't live a normal life after someone did this to you!"

From the remorseful look in Kanae's lovely eyes, both sisters knew what she'd said was a promise. It didn't matter if Kanae accepted it, but all the same, Shinobu would have lived bound by those words until the very end.

In light of this, Kanae knew there wasn't much of a choice but to let her younger sister tighten the noose around her own neck. Staring up at Shinobu, her breaths coming out in heavy pants, Kanae finally told her.

"It was a demon with blood stains on the top of his head…"

Shinobu cradled her older sister, listening intently as the sun wrenched itself inch by inch into the brightening sky. By the time the first rays of light hit them, Kanae was gone. And so, too, had Shinobu.

---

Shinobu set down the wet cloth she'd used to wipe her face and picked up her comb. It was a lovely object made of jade, a coming of age present her sister had given her years ago. The eye catching dark green colour would turn a dazzling light green when it caught light.

Shinobu ran the comb through her hair, tugging errant strands into obedience. She went through the motions, staring at her reflection in the mirror. The face staring back was older, but somehow, more delicate and fragile than when she was younger and baby-faced.

At least smiling, even when forced, Shinobu decided, helped to maintain the firmness of one's face. It was unfortunate it didn't change how she felt on the inside, but that wasn't something she cared about any longer. Like her appearance, the harsh and jagged corners of her old personality had been smoothed to fit her ever-present mask.

Shinobu reached for the jewellery box sequestered at the corner of her vanity. Taking out her hairpin, she weighed it, balancing the winged decoration on the tip of her finger. Looking at it made unease prick at her, reminding her of the stark memory she'd dreamt up last night. She hesitated to name the feeling as betrayal, and yet…

Shinobu drew in a deep, cleansing breath. No, she would not think about this.

Shaking off her the clouds that settled over her, she set out to do her hair. The weight of the butterfly kanzashi was comforting, almost like how Kanae had used to pat her head whenever she stewed on a particularly difficult medicinal recipe. That thought evoked a genuine smile from Shinobu, though it disappeared when she caught sight of her reflection again.

This was one of those days, then. Shinobu stretched a hand to the mirror, wondering where Kanae began and ended. If she were a normal girl, unfettered by the maliciousness of this world, she would gladly spend the day sulking in the confines of her room and dedicate herself to forgetting. She wasn't. She was the Insect Pillar of the Demon Slayer Corps, and she could do no such thing.

Shinobu glanced out of the square-grilled window, where the sun was just only rising. The dawning of a new day. She pushed herself off the seat and tested her smile until her reflection no longer looked like she was experiencing a conniption. When that was done, she pressed a hand over her stomach to silence its faint gurgling. Shinobu didn't pay it much heed: it was normal reaction the morning after ingesting that concoction. Making sure everything was in order, she glided soundlessly across the room and stepped out.

She immediately found herself tackled. Shinobu bore the heavy, insistent weight with an easy smile and maintained her stance. "Oh dear, please excuse me."

The kakushi who had run into her made a noise of pure fright. It would have been worrying if it wasn't normal behaviour for those who worked here. "My sincerest apologies, Kocho-sama!" The woman leaped back, dropping to her knees to perform a deep bow. "It was completely my fault for being so careless!"

"Don't worry, I know it was an accident. You're in a rush, I take it new patients have arrived?"

The woman nodded hastily and stood when Shinobu gestured at her to do so. "Yes, Kocho-sama, three new slayers waiting in the wards right now. Kanzaki-san has already started cleaning the wounds of the one who was most heavily injured. It would be too hard on her to take care of all three in succession, so I'm going around to rope another kakushi into helping."

"This is good timing," Shinobu said. "I was just about to head over to help." When the female kakushi gave another bow, spinning on her heel to return from where she came, Shinobu flashed forward and caught her wrist. "I am relieving you of your current duty. You must be tired after staying up the entire night, so please go to your room and rest."

The woman slouched in embarrassment, hanging her head. It was rare for kakushi to commit a blunder, and running clumsily into someone definitely counted as a grievous error. She must've been exhausted to slip up, and in front of a high-ranking superior like herself.

Shinobu gave her shoulder a light pat. "You're only human," she asserted. "You deserve a break."

"Thank you, Kocho-sama…"

Shinobu watched the kakushi slink away, unable to help but her bemused smile. She wouldn't begrudge anyone for showing weakness. In this world, demons were the only ones incapable of something so simple. It was a matter of trade-offs, she supposed, because though humans would never have the invincibility of a demon, neither would a demon be capable of collaborating with another.

Shinobu tread the hallway in the direction of the ward. When she stepped inside the high ceilinged room, it was to a flurry of activity. Aoi was manoeuvring someone into the bed, her twin tails lightly swaying as she grunted from the exertion of shouldering a weight twice her own. The man's upper half was bare and what looked to be fresh bandages were beginning to soak through with red. Two similarly stripped down slayers, sporting bruises and fresh cuts on their arms and face, waited quietly on a bench nearby.

Sumi and Kiyo weren't up yet, leaving only Naho to tend to the remaining patients. Men and women in varying states rested in the individual beds in the mansion's main ward, sufficiently large enough to accommodate anywhere between five to twenty people at once. The recovering patients alternated between sitting cross legged on their mattress or laying on their backs, but all were silent as they watched Aoi work expertly, their eyes sunken and shadowed.

Shinobu watched Aoi calm the bleeding man in a firm but coaxing voice as she cut away his bandages to check his wound. Naho meanwhile, bustled about with fluttering footsteps, clearing bedside tables of rubbish and checking if the medicine bowls were emptied.

Her girls' faces were neutrally set, the only signs of exhaustion from their all-nighter visible as ringed eyebags. They had come a long way from when they'd first started assisting her. She could still remember how panicked and frazzled they were at the sight of a wound, how frequently they winced at their clumsy stitching. It was a common sight those days to see them bowing, apologizing profusely at the drop of a hat, or shrivelling at the scolding of slayers with bad attitudes.

Shinobu hoped Kanae was watching. Would her sister be proud at how far they had come? Or saddened that their childhoods had been tarnished so quickly?

Around different points of the room, candleholders housed tiny, dancing flames. The room was too dimly lit, Shinobu decided. She'd have to relight them before she started her work.

"Girls," Shinobu called softly. Heads swivelled toward her. There was relieved joy in the gazes of Aoi and Naho, and awe in the patients, who were almost always uncomfortably keyed into her presence. "I'm here to help. Shall I get started?"

Their girlish voices resounded in a cry of, "Thank you, Shinobu-sama!"

---

Shinobu resurfaced from her state of flow hours later, coaxed by the golden glow of light spilling through the ward's upper grilled windows. It dyed half the room in a pleasing colour and soaked it in a gentle heat, the slight warmth refreshing in this season's cold weather.

However sparse, the sunlight brought about a good side effect, brightening the moods of the recovering patients. It was times like this which showcased the glaring difference between demons and humans. Creatures like them would never be able to glean such enjoyment from the sun, and humans would never be able to match them in prowling under the cover of night.

Shinobu lifted her head, watched drifting motes of dust settle on top of the medicine cabinet. Light reflected off the glass panels, casting a rainbow hue on the walls. A wave of melancholy smashed into her when she briefly caught a glimpse of her tired reflection

Another Autumn would pass without Kanae. Her favourite season had never been the same… not after her sister had gone to heaven. Shinobu lightly picked her hangnail and suppressed a sigh.

It wasn't that spending it with Kanao and the rest wasn't enjoyable– on the contrary, she was very much looking forward to when work slowed enough to afford her girls time to play around. It meant Aoi would insist on putting out the giant futon, already beaten and aired, where they would spend hours lazing under its warm duvet, legs brushing as they snacked and giggled over stories and gossip picked up from the nearby town.

Shinobu treasured the bond with her butterfly girls, but it was just different with Kanae. Without her older sister, there could be no playful cuddling, mock fights over stealing sips of each other's tea, chomping messily on rice crackers while complaining loudly about the sheer volume of work that awaited them once work resumed.

As with the smiles she wore, mothering everyone in her mansion meant she'd erected a line she could never cross. Acting spoilt, like she'd done with Kanae, was simply impossible without subverting her position among them.

Shinobu silently refilled a patient's medicine bowl with his last dosage. She mentally noted to block out a time in the next few days to remove his stitches. There was definitely a shortage of Slayers on the field with how many injured were staying here. If his wounds had healed, he could resume his duties and alleviate the burden of those who were still fighting.

"T-Thank you, Kocho-sama," the man simpered as he received the bowl with eager hands. Shinobu smiled and dipped her head. She placidly noted the blush that crawled up his neck, then returned to the medicine cabinet where the mess from this morning's harried procedures awaited her.

Yellowed bandages were piled with broken syringes to be thrown, and the bitter scents of creams and medicine mixtures had mixed into a nearly eyewatering stench. Shinobu pursed her lips. This was the part she liked the least. It was unfortunate the next batch of kakushi had yet to arrive for ward duty. Leaving this for them to clean up would be throwing her weight around, so she resigned herself to the arduous task of tidying up and disinfecting the surfaces.

Shinobu glanced at the western timepiece, a square block of flattened metal which hung ticking above the doorway. Noting the time, she quickened her movements. Her special patient should be up by now for his next prescription of medicine, and it wouldn't do to be late. She breezed through clean-up and when her helpers arrived, hurried to pick up the required drugs from the infirmary.

In the end… Shinobu needn't have worried.

Sliding the door shut, Shinobu eyed the sole occupant of the room with a flash of amusement. "He must have been more exhausted then he let on. Well, given the state he returned in… I shouldn't be surprised."

Unaware of her analytical gaze, Ryuu Kuroshio dozed on his futon, dead to the world. His blanket was bunched between his hands, clutched against his chest like a shield. His exposed ankles trembled as cool air trickled in from the gaps in the open window, and Shinobu shook her head. He must've opened it sometime after she had left.

"Stubborn," Shinobu muttered, then winced as the peaceful silence of the room was punctured by a particularly heavy exhale.

She slid the door shut behind her and stepped deeper inside. She set the metal tray down on the knee high table, a beautiful piece of craftsmanship like a sore thumb amidst the plainness of the room, careful to prevent the liquid from sloshing out of the bowl.

This room was among the few which Kanae had converted into private wards for fellow Pillars. It wasn't officially mandated and was one of her sister's whimsies, but Shinobu remembered agreeing to it when it'd been proposed. In hindsight, she had been right to go along. Now that she was one of them, Shinobu knew the prickly natures of the other Pillars warranted isolating them for treatment.

Shinobu gazed around the room, shaking her head at the slight peels in wallpaper, the yellowing edges where paper paste had long dissolved. She knew Kanae had done it with good intentions, but only Shinazugawa had ever deigned to stay in the mansion for longer than several days. Pillars were stubborn, some nearly fanatical in desire to be alone. It wasn't surprising they preferred licking their wounds in their own territories. It was unfortunate how rarely these rooms saw use.

Shinobu kept her footsteps light as she treaded the tatami, crossing the room to kneel beside Ryuu's futon. Her hand swept her patterned haori out from under her when she sat, gazing quietly at him. Her attention shifted from the bandages on his shoulder– white gauze peeking out from his top.

Recalling the condition of that wound, Shinobu's expression grew thunderous. If he hadn't killed the demon she would have tracked it down to deliver it a dose of slow acting death.

When Ryuu shifted, his body turning on its side to face her, Shinobu's gaze inadvertently drifted to his lips. She blanched as her heartbeat quickened, thumping so loudly it was almost as if the vibrations had travelled down to her fingertips.

"How have you gotten me to react like this, I wonder…" she said, her voice dropping to a confused whisper. She pressed the back of her hand to her cheeks, and removed it when she had confirmed they were flushed with warmth.

Shinobu could still recall that moment he'd peered at her, his eyes tinting grey-blue in the wane light of the infirmary. The anxiety in them lent him a strange fragility, and her hand had moved without her knowing, reaching out to stroke his face. By the time she felt his skin beneath her fingertips, it'd been too late. She hadn't wanted to let him go.

Thinking on that moment now, Shinobu marvelled at how little control she exerted over her impulses. But she didn't regret it. Ryuu had looked like he would fold into himself and disappear if she did nothing, and that was one thing Shinobu refused to let happen. How many people had been lost because she'd done nothing?

Her other hand hovered over his head. The urge to thread her fingers through his hair was almost overwhelming. The singular reason she hadn't given in was the etiquette her parents had drilled into her, lessons from when her life's difficulties were skewed towards what kimono to wear and what book to read that day.

The voices of one of her teachers, a severe looking woman who her mother hadn't really liked, rang out.

"To touch someone, especially a man, is a violation of the code of conduct for a woman. Never should you do it, not even when you're knocking on death's door."

Shinobu's hand stilled. Slowly, it began to retreat. Then Kanae's face appeared in her mind's eye and she stalled the movement of her arm, before forcing it forward.

That's right. How could she have forgotten?

What use was there to care how life outside of the Corps? She had already skirted many of its rules. Adding another to her list was even easier than poisoning a demon to death.

Her fingers sank into Ryuu's dark chestnut coloured hair. Her first thought was that it was softer than it looked. Pointless, given she'd already discovered this when she caught his lips for their second kiss. Today was different from yesterday, however, in that she had a better awareness to appreciate its wavy texture.

Shinobu took her time now, carding his fringe with the gentlest of movements. It was soft indeed, feeling closer to waxed string than threads of silk. As she continued to tousle his hair, her embarrassment was replaced by a strange sort of contentment.

She should pull back before he woke up, else, what could she say to defend herself without appearing like a silly, lovelorn woman?

Shinobu was confident she wasn't. In love with Ryuu, that was. That was a word too strong and heavy with implications, and the breadth of the emotion she felt was closer to like than any kind of definition of love she knew of.

This fact was surprising in itself. If someone had posed a question now, about her feelings for him, she would admit without fudging words that she liked him. She was fond of him, in a way which she hadn't felt before this, not even with the few men she'd appreciated for their looks and personality. She'd realized it that night, when Ryuu's careless words struck her like a raging tidal wave smashing rock.

And given how she had pined after him after he'd left… Shinobu grimaced. The Insect Pillar, reduced to a confused pile of feelings. The demons she'd sent to hell would be aghast.

The head beneath her hands stirred. Ryuu grunted, the sound thickened by the roughness of sleep. Shinobu looked down, unable to stop the smile from pulling at her mouth. He was waking up.