CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
"So we do not Lose Heart, though our Outer self is Wasting Away, our Inner Self is being Renewed Day by Day"
Brussels, Belgium
December 25, 2005
Juliana Antoinette Escalante- Villarta
Beaufort, North Carolina
To my love,
It's been a while now since I saw you last and I can't deny the fact that I miss your warmth- your embrace, your kiss, your smile, even your jolly spirit and amazing sense of humor. Without you, it's like I am on a vast empty space and in my heart lies a dark hole. How are you Juliana? Without me, I guess I have to worry no more, because Dad will care for you. How I wish to show my love for you. Merry Christmas sweetie. Send a letter for me in this address please. I'm surely going to get it, wherever am I in the world.
My Juliana, you seem to be talking like the wind following my direction. You seem to be the waves in the sea, making me grow up. My love for you will cross the vast ocean to reach you. I love you.
With all my heart,
Nathaniel Chance Villarta
Like every seaman here, all the seasonal letters that we send to our family and love ones are being drop to the mail together, once every quarter of the year. All the replies are the same. That is torture, of course. But I have to do this for my starting family. All I have to do is to endure, because endurance builds character and character builds hope. Those words are one of the advices of Reverend Evangelista before I aboard the ship. I knew it. He only wants to ease my emotional burden for a bit. Perhaps, it helps, because as for now, those words seem to be an encouragement why I still continue on going on.
In this ship, there are so many temptations- women, drugs, alcohol, discos, casinos, you name it. Every single day, it kills me to be this way. Every single day, they tempt me right into my core- on my weaknesses, on my needs. But I can't let Juliana down because we took our vows before God, and I constantly pray that in times of my weakness, He will make me strongest.
Because I love to navigate the sea, I work here as one of the captain's apprenticeship, while Franz and Michy serves at the engineering department because their area of expertise are on the machines and parts.
Every night, the three of us- Franz, Michy, and I, together with Ericka Valdez, that lady apprentice of Reverend Evangelista, who happened to be a crew consultant here, gathers on our little circle and shares about our views in life. Ericka never gets tired on insisting Jesus. Franz tells us always that she seems to be convincing, but Michy only laughs at the thought and never gets tired on match-making Franz to Ericka, while I just look far on the ocean, and wishing that it is Juliana who tells me those words.
"What do you want to do Nathan after our contract?"
I am awaken from my thoughts when Ericka asks me those words.
"I- I want to start a ship line business."
"Yeah, and Franz and I will help him," Michy said then winks at Franz. He only smiles.
"I also want to write a book," I utter out of the blue.
"What book?" she digs.
"About me and Juliana and my dream. It's more like an autobiography."
"So sweet lover boy," Michigan commented as she burst into laughter.
"You, Franz?" Ericka asks again.
"I want to settle down." Saying those, he gives Michy a meaningful stare.
"Really?" – Michy. "I want to die young then," she said half joking, but deep down her eyes, I can see the uncertainty inside of her. Why? Michigan?
I remember one night that she told me that she doesn't want to hurt Franz and that she deserves not to be love.
"I-," she said, "Still can't get over you." She smiles to me bitterly, "That's why I messed up my life and entered into several wrong relationships. I am just nothing but wrecked pieces consumed by men. I am a foolish-hearted-fool back then. So stupid to fell in and out of love so easily. If that's really love?" With that, she just shakes her head and shrugs.
"I'm sorry," all I can say.
"Nah! It's not your fault. I am the navigator of my life. Too bad, I became off-track and be a sunken ship."
"Franz loves you for who you are," I tell her.
She just nods. "He deserves better."
Back to reality, I ask Ericka, "What about you?"
"Good question," she said. "I want to retired as a missionary, proclaiming God's word through Christ Jesus."
"Wow," Michy said again. "You should not be in here from the start dear."
She smiles again. "Me creer para que Dios por misἰon porque mismo. Más vale pájaro en mano que ciento volando. Two birds in one stone."
"Are we that mission?" This time, Franz is the one who asked, and I understand that he is only kidding.
"Ting! You got it right! Una cadena es tan fuerte como su eslabón más débil," Ericka said confidently.
The three of us give her an unbelieving stare.
That night, after the working hours and lights out, I just decided to stay in my cabin while facing the typewriter. I want to pursue my writings again. This time, I will write what it is inside my heart. I haven't decided the title yet but all I know is that this is all about Juliana and our story.
I started to type, "To Julie . . . ," Typing those, I begin to drift back and reminisce all our memories together.
Days passed by too quickly and I turn all my attention on concentrating on my job in order to earn big. Same thing with my friends.
At New Year's Eve, the cruise made it to approach London and we stay here for few days. The great city opened our eyes to a much bigger world. We also happened to cross paths with the parliaments. Once in a while, I happened to watch a parade of squires and I can't help it but to remember my brother. My prayers are always with him, for his safety.
That night, I still managed to write a letter for Juliana.
London, England
January 1, 2006
12:00 am
Juliana Antoinette Escalante- Villarta
Beaufort, North Carolina
To my greatest love,
Kisses and hugs are all included here, together with my prayers that in the right time, we will meet again for real. Every single night, I look at your lovely face. Our wedding picture became my strength each day, that somehow, I still have a lovely wife waiting for me. How are Dad and the girls? I need not to worry, right? Please tell me you're okay. I can't wait to see you again.
Early this day, I saw a parade of squires, together with the parliament's charade. All the while, I remember Ryan. Do you have any news from him? Please tell him I love him and I am proud of him.
Also, I decided to write again. It's all about how colorful and faithful and true is our love for each other.
Remember this, you will forever be here, in my heart. With all my life . . .
Love,
Nathaniel Chance Villarta
P.S. Happy New Year!
When we left London, we also left so many wonderful memories behind, together with the promise that I will bring my family there someday. We also made it to drop our mails at the post office by the time. I can't wait for all the replies from Juliana. For the mean time, I am back to business again. I really work harder for I aim to finally get that step-up in the rank.
Days passed by so fast that I can no longer comprehend how long did I already stay like this. I miss Juliana and Ryan.
By February, we made it in Paris and we stayed there for a week. I sent post cards to Juliana about my experiences there together with a picture of Eiffel Tower. The following weeks we passed Milan, Rome, Madrid, Berlin and Vienna. Then we stopped over Sweden.
By May, we crossed silk route and made it to Beijing.
Beijing, China
May 5, 2006
Juliana Antoinette Escalante- Villarta
Beaufort, North Carolina
Love,
I missed all your replies, my apology. No need to worry, I'll get it by the time we reaches Macau. I love you, don't ever forget that. The autumn's air of May reminds me of your lovely face. How I wish I am here with you Juliana. I've gone out of words to describe how I longed for you. It's already been seven months. I miss you. I love you. Please, answer this letter. With all my heart and soul . . .
Always with you,
Nathaniel Chance Villarta
I can no longer comprehend what went so wrong between Michigan and Franz, but the two seem so distant with each other. Michigan avoids me too. Ericka tried to reach out, but they only gone into serious misunderstanding. One night, I even caught Franz smoking marijuana.
"Dude," I said as I approach him. "What's the problem? You're not like this Franz. Can you see yourself?"
With that, Franz burst out. "She's not like this. You here? She's not like this."
"What about her?" I ask as I move away from him all the marijuana in his hand and on the table.
"She told me that she can't love me then she starts to act so wild. She even slept with that Italian guy in Milan. What went so wrong between the two of us? She's my life, my family, my everything."
I just tap his shoulder. "I'll talk with her, but as for you, don't try anything stupid like doing drugs and be a wasted drunkard. I ask for Ericka to patch you up and get you clean. She knew how to rehab people. Neither drugs nor alcohol is a solution. Get yourself together. I'll do everything for Michy, I promise."
When I finally find an opportunity to have a sincere talk with Michigan, she only tells me that she wanted to go home in Hong Kong. Her Dad wants her to be home.
"I want to drive Franz away 'coz Daddy wants me to marry someone else. I've gone too far hurting him by messing my life and now that his last wish is for me to marry his business partner, who am I to refuse?"
"That's why you keep on destroying your life and hurting Franz this way? God, Michy, happiness cannot be paid by money."
"What? It's not about money. It's a daughter's responsibility."
"For you, maybe, but for him? I dunno. Tell your Dad, you love somebody else, or at least tell him that you'll marry someone that God gave for you to love."
"It's not fairy tale Villarta, or something patched up by the bible. I'm not you Villarta. I can't give up my blood over water, even over heart." By that, she walks away.
I no longer know what to do with them.
Days passed by and we finally reaches Macau. I finally pick up those letters from Juliana.
Beaufort, North Carolina
December 30, 2005
Nathaniel Chance Villarta
Brussels, Belgium
Honey,
I love you. Merry Christmas! Daddy keeps on reminding me to send you his prayers. You're right. With him, you need not to worry. I am fine here. Take care of your health. With you, being alone there, I wonder who will care for you. I love you Nat. I wish to see you soon. With all my prayers . . .
Te amo en mi Corazon!
Love,
Juliana Antoinette Villarta y Escalante
___________________________________________________
Beaufort, North Carolina
January 5, 2006
Nathaniel Chance Villarta
London, England
My one true love,
I'm sure Ryan would be happy hearing those words. I got a telegram from him, telling us that he is healthy and fine. I am also proud of him.
Dad and the girls are all right. I am too. Attached here are our pictures together during the holidays. How I wish you're here. Also, I do my singing again and this upcoming semester, I'll give time to teach kids on Sunday schools while on weekdays I'll teach preparatory students.
I am very happy for you Nat. I always pray to see you write again. I am your biggest fan, remember that. I am glad that it is all for me. I love you. Happy New Year!
Mi Corazon y también mi oración cantar cerca es tú!
La Esposa y Querida,
Juliana Antoinette Villarta y Escalante
There are so many more letters and I am so happy to read them one by one. This is my lovely wife after all. She also attaches some of her pictures with her Dad's family. I am really happy for her.
I continue writing my book- my autobiography. I entitled it "The Great Frontier: From Story to History," a story about my love, faith, family, dreams, pain and hope. It's all about me and my Juliana, and my struggles to find my place. Perhaps, Ericka really influences me a lot. I experienced transformation in my life.
During my stay in the cruise, I learned to be responsible enough in my own actions and to control myself when not to act so barbaric, to hold myself together, and to stay firm. That's the time that I decided to face my faith- finally. I, too, am eager to become undercover.
It also turned out that perhaps, this is the purpose I have. Little by little, I changed. I experienced the biggest transformation in my life and enter the life of Christian faith. Ericka even made it to convince me to lay down my testimony before God and everyone during our bible gathering that happened on the anniversary of the cruise.
"There are so many situations in my life that tested my faith-," I began, "From the crazy world I am in, the waging war of my environment, my worldly friends, and somehow, up to the suffocating knot I have with my family. In fact, this world is so frustrating, forcing you to go to the direction you are not supposed to head to. One thing I learned from them is to pretend- pretending to be somebody they want me to be. I covered myself with the mask of earthly face. In fact, this is the game. Up to this very moment I am always thinking of hiding. It's like a battle of one versus all. Sometimes, I asked God why?"
"Knows what, I guess I knew why. Bad company ruins good morals. These people never understand your worth that God does. But this man, Jesus, showed us an example of love. When I received that love, I learned to be always eager to make it up with people I care, I love, and most of all to people I'd hurt. But still, I am not good enough. I even think on leaving them behind, before I am crushed. But Jesus had a better plan for my life. He said in Second Corinthians chapter thirteen, 'love is patient and kind, love does not envy or boast, it is not arrogant or rude. Love bears all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never ends.' I do believe that my love can make a better change. I am Nathaniel Chance Villarta. I am what I am. Until such time that you discover how special you are, will things fall back into place, for Jesus will restore you on that state when He first designed you."
"They say that Christian faith is disgraceful, but I do not believe for this faith brings me purpose. In the end, I say, 'So we do not lose heart, though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day-by-day."
I couldn't escape the mockery of my co-crew and the side comments of my friends. The only important thing is, I stated what I feel, and I know that I am free.
"You made it very special Villarta," Ericka tells me as she pats my shoulder.
"Thanks," I said though I am still not used to it.
"No. Thank YOU. Muchos gracias! Mi Campañero!"
Three years passed by quickly, and by the time that we got our certificate of experience, I do think that I am now ready to face the real battle.