12th July

I had a dream.

I stood on my two feet, feeling some sort of ground below my feet. Was it concrete? Grass? Or wood? I could not tell. I was seemingly alone, completely by myself. I looked out to the distance, where there was a sunset. I tried to reach out to the sunset, but it was infinitely far away. How do I get to it? The colour, the orange colour, I wanted to go to it. Like a moth to a flame, I wanted to touch it.

The orange colour, half the sun already having sunk past the horizon. The horizon shimmered against the clear sea between me and the sun. Oh, how had I not noticed? Between me and the sun, was the vast sea. I shifted my weight, and my feet sunk into the ground slightly. I lifted my foot and walked towards the sea.

Whatever had come over me, I did not know, but that sun, the sunset, was so calming. My feet continued to sink into the soft sand with each step as I took another step forward. Eventually, my feet touched the wet sand, and I could feel the firmer sand. My feet left imprints on the ground as I walked, the waves washing over my feet softly. I reached out, as if possessed, seeing the tip of my finger seemingly glow with an orange colour.

I continued to walk, my feet sinking into the wet, sticky stuff at the seabed. I ignored it, pushing my way forward.

It was calming. The orange colour was so calming. I really wanted to touch it, that calming presence. Day after day after day, I had to worry about my health, about my life. It's so tiring, so tiring to think about it all the time. I wanted to stop, I didn't want to have to worry about my health every day, I wanted to do what I wanted, when I wanted. I wanted to be with my family again, my whole family, at least one more time. That calming colour, and the soft feel of the sun, it called out to me, as if trying to help me. I wanted to reach it, to achieve it, to achieve everything I could ever wish for.

I took one step, and the floor seemingly disappeared below me. I sank into the sea, the deep dark salty sea. I kept my eyes shut, holding my breath as best I could. I felt myself losing control as I sank, my arms and legs flailing wildly. My mouth instinctively opened to gasp air, bubbles streaming up from above me, to the surface. Huh, I don't know how to swim, do I?

I reached out, seeing the darkening sky above me, the light no longer reaching my barely open eyes. I felt the pressure around me increase the further I sank. How deep was this thing? I could not breathe, was I going to die?

All I wanted was consolation, at least someone there to tell me everything was alright. Because I could tell, I know. By how my father acted recently, I could tell, and I understood what was happening. No matter how hard he tried to hide it from me, I was not an idiot. I just wanted someone, anyone, to tell me that everything was going to be fine. Right in front of my eyes, I was seeing my family being torn apart. My mother was too busy to speak to us, my father seemed to take care of me too much, causing him to be distant from mother. Meanwhile, I could not do anything, as a child, I was powerless. Rather, I was the cause of all this uneasiness within me.

I just want one thing, just one. I want to spend a day with both my parents. If I can't be cured of this sickly body, if I can't improve my health, if I can't live a normal life, if I have no choice but to rely on my parents, if I had no choice but to accept me for who I am, if I am forever alone, even if I am to die early. If that was the case, I would only wish for one thing. A day with my family, anywhere, really. Just a day, we could do things as useless as walks, or we could talk it out, chat. Maybe we could play a few board games as a family? Maybe UNO? Hell, even monopoly would look like the most fun. A day, just us three, that was all I would wish for.

What about after?

I thought about it as I sank into the sea, the last of my consciousness remaining. What would I do after I spent a day with my family? It was not like everything could just change, right? It was not as if I still had to ruin my parents' lives just by being alive and getting sick. It was not like I could live any form of a normal life. I was bound to get sick again, and if my parents retired, I would be left for dead. So what? Growing up in this state was a bad idea, living life, in general, was going to be rough, a rough journey without an end in sight.

After I achieve the simplest of goals, just by having a day out with my family, what was I to do with myself? Thinking about it, many options and factors came to mind. I still wanted to spend time with my family, and I knew it was selfish of me, but I would never want to leave their side. Seeing, arranging and attending their funerals would be much too painful for me. What should I do? I was also dragging them down, and splitting them apart. I was a failure of a son, I don't deserve them, I don't deserve the kindness my parents showed me. They should have left me for dead, all they were doing was to extend my life by a few years. Money is going to run low, and eventually, we would all suffer,

Everyone dies at some point.

I was obviously no different, just that my death might be a little earlier than others. I think… I should make an exit after having that day out, an early exit. Sure, my parents would be sad, but it would only last so long. They had more years to live than me, they deserve a happy life, a happy retirement when they're old. This useless son shouldn't play any part in it.

I'm going to jump.

After I have my day out, I'm going to jump, I'm going to kill myself. I can't bear to live this pathetic life of mine anymore, and my parents would do so much better without me. Yeah, I should jump, it would benefit so many people, even myself.

But would I really do it? To be honest, I'm kind of scared of it, I'm scared of jumping, having the freedom to choose when to die. Then again, I'll wait until the time comes.

So when can that day be? I'm thinking of a specific date that is believable. Thinking about it, maybe there really was a proper time.

My birthday, the Thirty-First of July, right?

The next day, within that week, I'm thinking of jumping.

I stared at the endless darkness above me. We're my eyes closed, or was it just there being no light? I did not know and did not much care for such a thing, I gave up, I did not need someone to console me any longer, I had myself, and a plan of my own.

My eyes flew open.

I stared at the familiar ceiling that somehow felt foreign to me. I had gotten used to there being someone to my right, where I could instantly talk to. But there was no one else in my room other than myself. I threw the blanket out of the way and used my elbow to push myself out of the bed, standing on my two feet. I stared at the window, I was able to see a clear view of the outside. I looked, the tree leaves dripping with morning dew, and I stood there, staring at the road where cars drove by lazily. It was early in the morning, around 7 am?

I turned around and walked towards my door, reaching out to the switch to the left of the door, flicking it open. I turned back and looked at the window. My curtains flowed on my desk. Had my curtains always been there? I swore they were not there to begin my day, or was I tripping? Was my concentration and memory dropping?

It felt weird. For once, I could remember my dream, at least, part of it. It was less of a dream, and more of me contemplating my future decisions. And yes, I remember wanting to jump.

I ignored the curtains and wrapped my fingers around the rectangular doorknob. I pushed down, and pushed the door back towards me, letting go and walking through. I walked into the already bright living room. I walked in, walking towards the bathroom to finish my business. I got done quick, still wearing the casual clothes I wore to sleep. I should probably shower soon. I stood at the space between my dining table and sofa. I looked around, more out of habit than anything, staring at the black screen of the flat television in the house.

I felt something rub against my ankle. I looked down, and our family cat, Mei, was there. She looked up at me. The top half of her was black, and the bottom white. Her tail swayed back and forth as she continued to rub herself against me. Meh was a playful cat, she did whatever she wanted.

I squatted and lifted the cat under her front legs, whatever people called them. I touched my nose against hers, the cat sneezing not long after. I let her down, and she gave me one last look before she disappeared under the couch.

I stood up again and looked back at the dining table, where my father sat, sipping coffee and reading the paper. There was a plate in front of me, leftovers from yesterday's trip to the convenience store. I sat down, holding the food between my hands. I could feel the soft buns of the burger, and even if it was microwaved, reheated food, it was still food. And have been living off a drip for three days, I had no problems with the taste. My father continued reading the papers, a grim expression on his face. I did not ask him a thing, only eating.

I sank my teeth into the burger, feeling as I bit through each section and eventually chewing the bite. The blend of flavours, from the bun, to the patty, to the vegetables and sauce. It was nice, I ate it quite quickly, in fact, having never felt such hunger before. When I was done, I felt stuffed.

I went to the kitchen to wash my hands, washing away any remains of the burger I just ate. I felt as the cold water flowed between my fingers, thinking about how nice it felt. I turned the tap off and shook my hands to dry them. I walked towards the living room, patting my hands against my pants to dry them off.

I saw my father at the couch, leaning against the backrest, his head facing up, his arm over his eyes. He did not seem to be in a good mood, and I was not sure whether he would be too enthusiastic about the walk he promised to go with me. I went back to m room, not expecting much today. It was a Saturday, there was still tomorrow, there was still the Sunday. I still had a chance, maybe if my mother didn't feel too tired, we could go on that family outing.

I sat in my bed, not really sure what to do next. I stared at my skinny fingers, wondering, how long until I would look normal? I shook my head, no, I was going to jump soon, it didn't matter whether I was healthy or not. Nothing mattered except getting my day out with my family.

I heard a knock at the door.

"Let's go for the walk." I could hear my father say. "Change quickly, we'll be leaving soon."

I did not reply, feeling that my father had already left from the door. I got some extra clothes and went to shower before, seeing my father on the couch once again on the way to the bathroom.

After I was done bathing, I walked up to the couch where my father was, he was in sports clothes, much suitable attire for such an occasion. He stood up, giving me a sporting smile as he told me, "Just to let you know, my pace is pretty fast."

I was still recovering from sickness, there was no way I would keep up with my father decided to walk at full speed. Thankfully? My father walked at my pace.

We walked past the crowd, faceless people passing by us as we walked through. We were headed towards the same park I had gone to the last week. My father coincidentally also knew about it, I guess it was pretty common knowledge for people around the area.

"Nice weather." My father commented, looking up at the sky.

I did not look. The mood was not that bad, but it felt tense. It felt awkward, was my father always this hard to approach? Something about my father had changed, but what was it? He seemed to have hidden himself, like he was keeping others out. My father was being secretive about something, and that very secret was also affecting him. What was it? Was it something about me? Did the doctors say something about me that I myself did not know? Was my disease much more severe than we thought? And that this walk was the last I would ever go? Was that why my father seemed overly enthusiastic when asking me where I wanted to go last night.

Before I knew it, we reached the park, where once again, the people there seem to be nothing but a blur to me. My father and I walked silently along the walkway, avoiding the joggers and just taking in the scenery as a whole. What a beautiful day.

Eventually, I started to get a little winded, my health was nowhere near fine. I sat down while my father stood. He looked around and told me, "Stay right here, I'll be going to a washroom."

"Okay." I replied.

I waited, watching as a single, faceless hogger jogged past me. The image of the jogger seemed to be grey as he ran past me. I turned my head to follow his running. If only I could run like that, I would. To be honest, I felt a little jealous.

"Hey there."

I turned to see Pink. She wore a pink hoodie, along with a pink pair of track pants, white stripes running down the sides. Her shoes were pink and white in colour. Her hair was pink, a stark pink that stood out. Her eyes were pink but looked a if there were splatters of white in her eyes. Her hair was let to grow past her shoulders freely, straight hair. He had a cute smile on her face as she looked at me. She stood not too far away, within just a single step away from me. She sat down beside me.

"Haven't seen you since Monday! What happened?" She asked me, leaning close.

I leaned away somewhat, not really comfortable with the invasion of personal space. Her eyes sparkled as if she was really interested about what had happened to me.

"Um… I got sick." I replied, shy.

She nodded, pulling herself back. "Makes sense. It happens from time to time."

She swayed as she held the bench under her. "You here alone again?"

"Oh, um, my father's here," I said. "Washroom."

"Ah, I see." She nodded. "My family's somewhere else."

Both times I had seen her in the park, she had approached me instead of being with her family. What reason could there be for that?

She turned her head to look at me. She did not seem energetic as usual, in fact, she seemed a little embarrassed, if not shy. Her face was red, particularly her cheeks when she pulled a strand of loose hair behind her ear.

"I'm not sure if this is a good time, but will you listen to me?" She asked, her voice soft, as if not wanting others to listen.

I leaned in closer, looking in front instead of at her.

"I know, recently, I've been thinking about you a lot recently… and I'm not sure about you, but…" She told me, her voice almost breaking, full of sincerity, "I think I love you."

There was a single moment of pause.

What?

It was as if the world had frozen in place. Did a girl just, confess her feelings for me? Of course, I was happy, but something about it just felt off. We barely knew each other, I don't even know her name. Yet for a girl to confess her feelings to me so openly, was this reality? Never in a million years would I have guessed that a girl would ever want to like me. What was so great about me? What made her think so? I wanted to ask all the questions.

What did I feel towards her?

Pink was a pretty girl, prettier than most of the girls I've met in the past. Her personality wasn't much of a problem, she even makes up for my lack of activity. Suddenly, a vision flashed before me, of life should I accept what Pink said. A life where we were together, a couple.

What could we do? Go out on dates, visit the amusement park, order chocolate cake from the cafe. We could do all the things I never before had the pleasure of doing, and doing it with her, to be honest, sounded fun.

But I knew nothing about her. Pink, I knew her appearance, and that she's in the same class as I am, but I knew nothing else, none at all.

I flinched, not really knowing what to make out of it. I mean, I could take my time to know her after we date, right? I mean, it was a possibility, right? It's not impossible, right? She's cute and has a good personality from what I know, it could work out, right?

'Yeah, heard she's a real slut.'

Red's words rang in my ears. Right, she did not love me, she was only playing around with me. No way someone like her would ever want to date someone like me seriously, I mean, it's me for Christ sake. To her, it was probably some sort of sick game to enjoy, to watch me play on the palm of her hand.

I stood and ran away, not sure how to answer properly. My mind was in shambles, there was no way I could answer in such a state.

'Yeah, heard she's a real slut.'

If only Red hadn't told me that, I would have a much easier time replying. I had chosen to run away, not wanting to see Ang reaction from her when I give a reply. Would she smile with sadism? Or will she frown from disappointment, maybe sadness?

I felt someone grab my hand. I turned around, Pink already there, holding my hand. Her grip was strong, surprisingly so, or I was just weak. She stood there, her pink hair slightly messed up. Her face was twisted, her mouth twisted into a smile, her pink eyes staring me in the eyes, and I could see the tears that started to form. Her arm was trembling, and her lower lip was trembling too. She let go of me, looking down.

"I…" She started. "I… I."

She paused, her hands shaking. The world seemed so insignificant as I looked at her.

The first drop hit the ground. She reached up, covering her face. I could hear the sniffling of her nose, and could see as she furiously tried to wipe her tears away. She stepped back and continued looking down, not letting me see her face.

"I thought…" She said, her voice shaky.

She looked up at me, her cheeks wet, her eyes red, her pink eyes looking at me, shaking with such fragility.

"You're just like everyone else!" She said, shouting, even bending her body as result.

She turned around and ran away faster than I could call out to her. I stood there, stunned. Did she really mean it? What was happening? Now she probably hates me.

I stood around there, not sure how to act. It felt awkward to chase after her, and going back to the bench was basically chasing after her. Was she going to be alright? I worry for her, but I know the hypocrisy I had just treated her with. Blind myself all I want, I know that deep in me, I was afraid of being played around by Pink.

As a result, I made her cry. What a shitty person I was.

My father had somehow found me.

"Why aren't you at the bench?" My father asked me.

It seemed like he did not hear what Pink had shouted. I shook my head and said softly, "I want to go home."

My father nodded and patted my back, understanding the pain that he had no idea where it came from. As if we shared a spiritual bond, I felt as if he was consoling me, even if he had no clue what I was going through.

"Yeah. Let's."

I laid down on my bed, Pink's words not leaving my head. I laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I bit my lip, I felt like punching myself. Why did I have to go and make her cry? I was such a terrible person, and I don't even know how to console her. Had she meant it? Or was it all an act? It was frustrating, I don't know. I don't know. Someone tell me, what did she mean when she told me she loves me?

Damn it Red, why did you have to go and tell me that shit.

'Yeah, heard she's a real slut.'

Fuck you Red, coming from a friend.

My eyes started to close. It was a long and tiring day for me, and I don't feel much like continuing the day any longer. Sleep, maybe sleep will help me.

Beep… Beep… Beep…

'I think I love you.'

What did she actually mean by that?

Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep.