resume of my life

hello, so now I'm going to be more depressed than I've ever been before. these fucking teachers I don't know if they hate me or they have a problem with me, every time I do all my best but with no results, actually this is not the real problem I'm having right now, the problem is that even my parents who should support don't believe that I'm working hard just because once before I failed and it was for the first time in my life. and not just that, my mom think that when I was in CPGE she was the real reason why I succeeded, wtf mom don't you know that I passed a written exam plus an oral exam, okay let's say you were the reason for my success, can you please tell me how did you help me in the oral exam? or even how did you manage to make my rank be that one I got in front of many students from all over the country?

stop thinking that you're always the cause of my success, yes of course I do all my best just to make you and dad happy, but why when I fail you start blaming me for everything but when I pass you take all the credits? why do you always keep comparing me to my big brother? I even tried to work just so you won't tell me I gave you and I did for you...

let's be serious about something now, when your big son was studying, first, there was nothing else to do, second, he wasn't passionated by some sport or activity, and to not keep counting for you I'll just say that even there was nothing to do even no Internet, just books and sports, so when you want to start comparing do it with someone of my generation and it won't even be fair. you said you work hard just so I can study and be happy, you can ask anyone of my friends who studies with me in tangier if I'm happy and sober? I'm happy just when I smoke weed and that's the only thing that motivates me to go out and study with friends there, otherwise, I'd be the most introverted person they've ever seen, can you imagine that I'm 23 YO and I have debts? just to live like all of my friends I take money from my friends and pay them back at the end of the month.

they think that souhail is the happiest Youngman, but no he's not, even when he tries to explain something to them they misunderstand him or don't even believe what he's saying, imagine you tell your parents that you do this and that but unfortunately you didn't succeed on that, they forget what u did and focus only on what failed on.

this morning I swear I tried a hundred times to chock myself to death but again and as always even God is not accepting me, I'm saying this with honesty, this is not the first time I try to kill myself, I tried that many times before since I was in high school, I always roll a rope around my neck and keep squeezing till I pass out but I wake up again as nothing happened. Why God why? why aren't you accepting me? I know I did a lot of mistakes in my life, I know I didn't please you in my life, but you told us there is not just heaven but also there is hell if you're not accepting me to get to heaven, and that's something I'm aware of, then just accept me to your hell, torture me or do whatever you like, just take me away.

I know that now I'm being suicidal in my writing but this is my style, I write whenever I feel to write, and now I feel suicidal(of course it's not the first time I feel this way but this is the first time I write about it directly without any metaphors), I know that if someone gets to read this article will either hate me for what I'm saying or try to convince me that life is so good to live and it's better than death, but how would you convince a necromantic to hate death? you just can't, so try to understand why I'm feeling this way without overthinking what I'm saying. I mean this is my life, not yours, as always people say you're not living just for yourself but also for ur family, ur friends..., but it's not true, now I'm very sure that I live for myself but the objectives of life aren't mine but my parents make some goals and make me reach them.

may I please ask one thing? doesn't the man before his death get anything he wants? yes, okay so what I'm asking for is to leave me alone for a longer time in life, and not just that, also I want you to stay with me. now you're asking yourself who am I talking to and who am I asking to stay with me? I'll tell you and it's gonna be our secret, I'm talking to that girlfriend who I've never met or maybe I've met her but we're just not together, maybe she didn't want or I didn't pay attention or maybe we both were ignorants and we didn't confess our feelings, maybe I did confess to her but she's not capable of being in a relationship with someone like me, and I don't blame her, who on earth would accept to be in a relationship with a suicidal person?

oh come on let's cut the bullshit, I'm not suicidal I just wanted to make a point of view, but you did believe me, haha well this is the first time someone does believe me, and I was bullshiting y'all, wait now I get it, you're just going with the flow, if I say I'm suicidal you get sad and if I say I'm kidding you say "wtf you scared the shit out of me", but to be honest with you my dear reader I'm suicidal, yes I know that's being coward and I know I won't just jump from a roof or cut my veins..., but I want to die, I really hope every day is my last day and every night before Igo to sleep I hope that I'll sleep once for all, but as I said before not only that girlfriend doesn't want me but also God doesn't want me either. I guess he threw me into this life just to get rid of me so he finds his peace and calm and let me suffer from all this bad luck he gave me since my birth, can you even imagine that even when I like a girl she gets with another guy and when she's done with that guy she hates all the boys.

so now I'm gonna just end this shit by saying thank you God for throwing me away to this shitty life, with few caring friends and no girlfriend, no luck, no money, nothing just sadness and heartbreaks. I wish I meet you soon dear God.