Comments of chapter undefined of The Mischievous Maiden & The Sleeping Prince
The Mischievous Maiden & The Sleeping Prince
MizA
Chapter comments181
Chapter 1 Constructive and Detailed Review: Summary: Overall, the first chapter started out great, which is important for a start. Interesting and engaging. Awesome characterizations and sticking with important details without clogging us with too mundane ones. Keep it up. Below are some tidbits that I paid attention with. As far as errors and mistakes goes, you are solid with some smudges when it comes to some word placements. What I mean is some words are in front of a word that shouldnât be. âFirm knocks on the carriage door startled Alexa and the other maiden. Cordelia, the Bride, held her breath, then exhaled carefully,â - First of all, itâs important how you start your story. Itâs a hook and line sinker and you did an absolutely fabulous job in making the readers including me lean in for what comes next. The part where she held her breath and exhaled carefully gave me an anticipation feeling. I love how you used the word firm by the way. It gave me a million thousand possibilities of who is at the carriage door but gave me a pinpoint hint of exactly what kind of person that is knocking. A confident, bold and striking person. Now interestingly, Alexa was mentioned first, Cordelia was mentioned as the other maiden, but Cordelia was the one in anticipation of setting eyes on the knocker. Itâs perfect. âOr would have he died, too?'ââCan be changed to âOr would he have died too?â âthe door was fully openedâââWasâ is already there so âopenedâ can be open. âAlexa fell to the muddy ground but was agile enough not to prostrate. Turning on her fours, she tried to get up, as her heart pounded hard.ââ So, if you read out loud these two sentences, if you are a native English speaker you will immediately know whatâs wrong with these sentences. Find a better way of wording them. ââbut was agile enough not to prostrate.â Needs to be changed. The next sentence needs working as well. If she isnât prostrating then why is she on her fours and why is she turning. Imagine yourself, how will you end up if you got pulled out of a car unexpectedly. âBut as the maiden's hands were wounded and bandaged, she could not use them for support. Her dagger under her hooded travel cape remained useless and unused for the same reason.â â Mentioning the dagger here is an impractical slip of detail. After telling me her hands were wounded Iâm confused on why her dagger will come up. Are you giving her an image as a fighter? Even if you are this is not a good time to add in a dagger. âLeonineâ-Now, this is a beautiful word you added in just the right place. I love your word usage. Keep it up. Itâs making me excited to read more of it. âExpatâ- Honestly, you have been using the dictionary and the thesaurus. I am impressed by how much work you put in this. â'Ah, if he had advanced across the borders and met the Bride's retinue two nights ago, then he would have been of some use! Or would have he died, too?' Alexa mused, looking at her bandaged and aching hands.â- So many aspiring authors needed to use this. Show but donât tell in a way the readers will lose interest. âHis kingdom wasn't even cited in the older maps of where the maiden came from.â- Awkward sentencing. Please fix it. I was really into it until I had to double take to understand what this sentence means. Thanks. Meeting the three prominent characters in the first few paragraphs, I know exactly what they are like. Itâs a great introduction of characters. I am pleased that you showed them off but never tell outright how they are like. Alexa has beautiful purple eyes, not a Saxon, and hasnât gotten down the accents yet. I like her already. Cordelia on the other hand is just another maiden with great luck at birth and seems like the luck is fading quickly. While the groom-to-be seems very imposing. Not somebody to be messed with easily. ("Please, Your Highness, cease it! Stop! What did this girl do?! She saved me two nights ago, don't hurt her, I beg!!")- you can c
