Comments of chapter undefined of Technomancer: Genesis
Technomancer: Genesis
earldennison
Chapter comments37
I think author took the mc to over the board I mean an 8 day old baby can speak well there is magic but isn't it to suspicious first mc try to become secretive and then blow up his cover like idiot so how others characters react and plus he's from earth and a genius on top of that so don't he have watched movie or anime not only that but his curiosity for things can kill him isn't it is a plot holes in the story or mc become someone who kill animals at age of three
Hi Earl, I hate that I all my comments were erased when I scrolled up the previous chapter. So here I am typing it all again. So rather than a nitpick of facts (which is why technical editors are there and I am not one), I will go into your craft instead. So this writing style is a third person personal, which means that there is one centric thing that you should always focus on: the character's awareness to, not only what he thinks, but how he feels and how he perceives things. The reason why I see a lot of readers contesting the actions and reactions of your characters is because of the lack of an empathic link that should have been created by exploring the character in depth. Case in point, in explaining why he hated breast milk, you wrote: " On meat, the blood was thoroughly drained, the vegetables were already picked and harvested. Drinking another person's bodily fluid thoroughly irked him. He had to be patient but he could not endure doing this for months on end. There was never a scenario in his head where he would get used to this." Now as a reader, I have my own set of beliefs already, which means that if I'm okay with drinking breast milk, it wouldn't make sense how disgusted he was. What we needed, instead of learning his knowledge, is to learn about his perspective of the world and the feelings and thoughts associated with them. An example on how you can do this is this, "He did all he could to drink his mother's breast milk to keep up appearances and surrvive, but he was at his wits end and he could not take one more excretion into his mouth! Would one willingly lick a person's sweat off his brow? Drink another's saliva? No. At least no one sane. Breast milk was no different. It was an excretion from the body not meant to be consumed by a human being. Especially from one he barely knew, even if it was his own mother." Or something along those lines. Next is exposition. Yes, dislogue...or in this case, monologue can be an effective tool for expositions, but how it is used here can be a little bit jarring, especially with the lack of transitions and signposts. Like this one: "Why do I have the ability to do this?" So is this a thought or something he said? I can't tell. But more than that, there is a disconnect between the monologue (or thought) and the rest of the exposition. Maybe you could add more humanity into his experiences and observations. He could fully control his adrenal glands, strengthen tensile strength of his muscles, he seemed to even control bone density for some reason. It baffled him. "Why do I have the ability to do this?" He looked at his hands in wonder, wishing he could see what happened inside his body to have a plausible explanation for such drastic physical changes. He looked in the direction of his mother again but the aura disappeared. And with it, the changes to his body, replaced by an overwhelming exhaustion that was forcing him to sleep. His last thoughts before he drifted to sleep was that he state seemed to never be fully retracted some of it retained, it was just that he spent most of it. That then connects us to his experiences in the now. Because he sat up and tested his abilities, it should follow that his observations should follow whatever he was experiencing at the moment. Because then, we would know when he realized it and what made him realize it and we create a closer bond with the character by understanding him. Now I have a few more notes, but, well, they got erased. Haha! So I'll try to think of them again as I read on. You're doing a good job. Just needs a little polishing.
Stick to what you know and write about mc's your own age. You've given this 30 something-year-old scientist the personality of a 16-year-old and the self-control of a 12-year-old. It's so bad I can't even laugh at it :/ ""Crap!", Michael thought. "I shouldn't have said that I was planning to just say Mama but, she was going to breastfeed me so I panicked and said, I don't want to eat right now. I can't take that back now."" Read that paragraph and tell me I'm wrong. Go on, try.
Wow this chapter make want to slap mc on the face! You say he is genius, scientist and want low-key. But what i get is stup1d mc, *****, and not low-key at all. Idk why people vote your novel when there is many flaw, like mc never cry. My suggestion is just make mc inexperience brat that have read many book.
