The Feeling Some Talk About (Pt.Final)

I was ready for the night, it was cold and crisp. The car ride home was bumpy and soothing, I was able to get out of the real world and lose myself in a fantasy made in my own mind.

I took my earbuds out of my cotton jean pocket, and put one in my ear. I proceeded to put the other in my other ear. I opened up spootify and put my music on max volume, I wanted to drown in the sound. I put on my personalized playlist named "OTAKU."

I look out the window the sun is setting. The sunset is beautiful, perfectly mixing colors of blue, pink, and orange. The sun was at about a semicircle on the horizon.

I zoned out, my mind was almost as empty as how I felt. I just wanted to feel something, anything. I start drifting off, my eyes are being forced open, I'm trying to stay awake. I end up falling asleep either away, I however didn't have a dream. It felt as if I never had dreams.

I wake up with my mom pulling into our gravel driveway. The gravel crunched and shifted underneath the two ton vehicle.

I grabbed my back pack and opened my door, I took out my right earbud and got out of the car. I walked to my front door and opened it with my key.

I walk into the house, and take off my shoes with ease. The floor felt warm, it was strange. "Guess they finally fixed the heater," I thought to myself. I take a right turn into my living room and set my backpack onto the couch, I take my water bottle out the side pocket and put it on the dining room table.

It falls the the floor. My mother sighs, "get out." I comply and head to my room, it was the only place where I felt I was safe. I lay on my bed that has my piano, that Carmen gave me, beside it.

I thought about playing it, then thought, "It's a waste of time, why should I?"

I felt as if everything I did, was for nothing, I couldn't get better, I couldn't do anything.

I lay in my soft and warm bed for 30 minutes watching TikTak, trying to feel happier. I realize that the time reads 8:24, "it's almost time," I say.

I was ready for anything just about an hour longer then it would be time. I get up and exit my room to find a plate with food on it at my seat on the diner table. Instead of eating it, I throw it away, I didn't deserve to eat, or so I believed.

Instead I ended up drinking four bottles of water, I felt nauseous. My stomach felt as if my stomach were going to explode. I loved this feeling, I deserved it, I deserved to die.

I head back to my room, walking on the warm wooden tile. Every floor board creaks as I walk on it.

I go into my room and walk on the carpet over to my bed, past my dresser. I lie down, I feel tired, I almost never get sleep. I ended up falling asleep again, and once again didn't dream.

I wake up in a sweat. I felt something I can't explain but it was similar to fear. I sit up and grab my phone, I check the time that read 10:38.

I sighed, the feeling was never more prominent until this moment, I was finally going to do it, after all, it was what I deserved. Everyone hated me, no one was there for me. "It's finally time," I say softly, I was excited, yet never have I ever felt more devastated.

I get out of the warm, cozy bed and walk on the soft, gray carpet. I take three steps and open my room door. I walk into the hallway and take a left to my bathroom, it's cold. The cold bathroom welcomed me, it was the one place I could be alone. I turn around and close the door, I lock it.

"Now or never," I whisper under my shaky breath, I started crying, I was finally going to be set free. I grab my medication, I unscrewed the white cap on the orange container. I took out 8 bitter, white pills.

I decide to finally check my phone for the last time, I never expected anything from it though.

I turn on the screen to my Lock Screen, I see two messages on D'cord, it's from Yaoi.

"Bro are you okay?"

"Please text back"

I fell to my knees, onto the cold hard tile of my bathroom. I drop all of the white pills onto the ground, they make tick noises as the hit the ground, bouncing everywhere. I covered my mouth to not make too much noise. I begin to cry, I finally realized, I wasn't alone, even if it was only one person, at least it was someone at all.

This feeling felt amazing, I no longer felt empty, I had hope. I felt like I could take on the world. Yaoi was the greatest person in the world in my mind. He had pushed out all of the dark thoughts in my mind at the time. He was amazing, he was my savior.

I scrambled to find the pills, with a smile on my face, I hadn't smiled in months.

I find all the pills except one, I put them back in the orange containers and screwed the white cap back on.

I got off of the cold bathroom tile and stepped back into my warm, soft carpet. I took 2 steps this time into my soft, warm, cozy bed.

I lie down and lie on my back. I close my eyes with a soft smile on my face, I'm ecstatic to finally have a good night of sleep.

"Goodnight!" I say, brimming with energy