The Feeling Some Talk About (Pt.2)

After the whole incident with the salt water, I ended up texting my group chat, horrified, about who could have done this too me.

In response to my message I get laughing emojis sent. Everyone inside the group chat thought this was hilarious.

Everyone was laughing, "why are they laughing, I could've died," I think to myself. I'm horrified by their behavior, this wasn't normally like them, or maybe I had just been the only one who had changed.

I turned off my phone screen after deciding I didn't want to see anymore of the messages. There was a sick feeling in my stomach as if I were to throw up. But, I knew it wasn't nausea from the water, rather, it was from me realizing finally, that no one, no one, truly cared about me, not even my closest friends.

I walk down the long warm hallway of my mothers office, at least their heater worked. I continued walking, with every step I took on the hard white tiles, making a clack sound.

I walked to the end of the desolate, echoey hallway and entered the men's restroom. It was just as empty as the hallway at this time of the day. I had some privacy in the restroom.

I walked down to the end of the room to the biggest and last stall. I went into the stall and shut the door, locking it behind me. I turned around and hung up my hoodie on the door coat hanger.

Instead of using the restroom, I just stood there thinking, the only reason I was in the restroom in the first place, was to have privacy. I couldn't cry, I don't know why, but at that moment I just couldn't. It felt as if I were a husk, I was empty. I hated this feeling, I just wanted to feel something.

I wanted to be happy.

"Get you act together!" says the last hopeful thoughts in my mind.

"Go away, and die in a hole," says the thoughts.

I sigh and punch myself in the sides.

I had resorted to self harm, I didn't have any objects to do it with, so instead I used myself, just like how everyone else had used me.

I stop leaning against the wall, the door was cold. I unlock it, and open it. The bathroom is still empty and it's colder than ever, unlike the hallway.

My hands are freezing, they always were. I walk to the sink and turn it on. I put my hands under the cold running water, it made them even colder, it felt almost like frostbite.

I raised my hands up and put them in my moderately long hair. I put my hair back in a messy fashion.

I look into the mirror at myself, I don't look the same way I had a month ago, I have eyebags now, messy face, smile has faded, and worst of all, no hope in my dead eyes.

I slap my face with my hands that are still wet. I turn around and grab a paper towel, I dry my hands but even so, they are still wet. The paper towels the school bought didn't absorb much.

I exit the cold bathroom and I am hit with a rich warm feeling. I once again walked down the long, wide hallway, something about the empty hallway is relaxing.

Instead of going into my mom's office, I went outside. I thought in doing so would make me feel happier by seeing nature.

Instead I was welcomed with a cold blow of wind, everything plant-like is dead at this time of year, "why do I even try," I mutter.

I end up going back inside, I turn right into my moms office. I grab her keys and my stuff. I head back into the empty hallway. I exit and I am hit with the same cold blow.

I enter my mom's car, a sea green, dark blueish, 2009 Tahoe. I unlock the doors of the car with the keys I had taken earlier.

I open my back passenger door and threw my backpack into the car, right on the middle of the seat. I sit down and the seats are uncomfortable they were made out of a leather material, and were very hard. I disliked the amount of space that was in the car, there was so many papers and clothing where I sat to the point where I couldn't sit comfortably.

After waiting about 20 minutes, my mother exits the office. She looks angry, not at me or anything in particular, just angry.

She enters the car, not saying a word. She almost seems expressionless as she picks up the keys I had put on the dash board. She sticks the key in the ignition and turns it. As she does, the engine roars to life. She reversed out of the parking, the rocks under the cars tires crush with an exquisite sound.

"We are going to pick up your brother," she informed me.

I just nod my head, I could already tell she was in a bad mood, I didn't want to start a fight with her that day.

After some thinking, I decided to turn on my phone again, I was curious about what they were saying in the group chat. I see many notifications as I turn on my phone.

"Bozo"

"L Brain"

"Dumbass"

"How do you take two gulps without realizing"

"Lol, so stupid"

My lip quivers, I realize that I have no one, I felt alone.

My breath began to get shaky.

"No one loves you"

The thoughts came back, this time I welcomed them, they had more of an impact. And I didn't want to hide from them any longer.

"End it all"

"Tonight"