Review Detail of Thalia_Ilace in Goddess' Assassin System

I feel that this work has a lot of potential and definitely needs a lot of polish to really make it shine. There are multiple mistakes throughout where words are missing in sentences, grammar issues and mixing up of present & past tense (and not in the correct way). The writing was quite chopping with sentences feeling very rambly and a bit on the run-on side. While this can be a stylistic choice and can be used to emphasize a feeling of panic or anxiety, these instances happened much too often and not within the correct context. There's also a lot of repetition of the same phrases over and over again such as "heart and mind", "The Curse Lord", "fake body" and these things are repeated over and over again constantly one after another. This, in addition with the rambling sentences, really disrupted the flow and made it difficult to get into the work. It also made it a bit boring to read the same thing over and over again. I would advise to try and space these things out as much as possible and/or use other descriptors/terms so it doesn't feel so repetitive. I felt like the characters weren't very fleshed out and there wasn't very much description of them. It felt like there should be more depth to the words that are being written. As is, it feels very lackluster and as if this is a beginning rough draft rather than a final product. I think there is also a big issue of telling instead of showing. I'm constantly being told "He saw this" "This is what he saw" "This is what he felt" and that can be wonderful if used in the correct context to kind of build upon a situation or feeling, but that's not what was happening here and it happened too often. I felt like I was being told very plainly and it didn't feel exciting. It felt more like I was getting a recap from someone else who had read it and they were giving a TLDR version. The first chapter's opening sentence and ending hook also fall flat. Your first sentence to your novel should really capture people's attention and lead them into the rest of the story, and it didn't really do that. I think it could've had the potential to, but you trailed off that path and veered more into what he was doing so the voice was kind of put on the backburner and forgotten about in that beginning moment. You also contradicted with the "carefree yet caring" moment. This is not described in a way that makes sense and feels confusing. The hook didn't grab me at all and felt more like a "Okay here's what happened" instead of "What's going to happen next? Aren't you curious?" So I wasn't too eager about going into the second chapter to begin with. Then the second chapter itself felt way too info-dumpy. There was no intrigue and nothing to hold attention. I felt more like I was reading a manual rather than a novel. All of that being said, I do think that the premise is good and that it's a great idea. I can see a lot of potential here and I think that with edits/some revisions it will do very well and shine brightly. I hope this review will be helpful to you. I know you can do it!