Review Detail of Jason_Coonce in Oscuro Online
Review detail
So i like the direction the book is taking, not only that but the world is decently fleshed out. However, the main reason I rated it lower is this. The pacing is super off and doesn’t do a good job of explaining things, its hard to explain. But they way things are paced it feels like your being dragged along for the journey rather than being actually shown the interactions. Also, I am not sure if this is intentional but it almost feels like we’r expected to know about events or characters before we actually do. Plus there a few time skips that were really jarring. That being said, very well written grammar and punctuation wise. The story has a ton of potential and I would love to see some edits really elevate this story to the next level. Just really focus on adding more detail to the characters and events.
Oscuro Online
PsionicMind
Liked it!
LIKEReplies11
PsionicMind:Thanks a lot. I'll keep this in mind while I write the other chapters
Certainly, so it’s mainly the scene changes. The biggest one is the one at the orphanage, there are others but this one is more glaring for story purposes. The mc just shows a picture of him as a kid and then the kids just immediately come live with him? There was no set up for it, what about the kids emotions? What about the process of actually adopting these kids? Especially since a few scenes before he said he was only 17 and wouldn’t be adopting anyone. Just more detail in the scenes regarding what the characters are feeling and set up for the scene change. As of right now, it’a very abrupt.
PsionicMind:Btw, could you please tell me where the timeskips felt weird and also explain about the pacing? I'm trying to find what mistakes I did and I'm unable to find them. Hope you can help me out once
Well.. . yes. The orphanage owner told Lucio already that they won't be keeping the kids with them as they are Lucio's actual siblings. The kids have no choice but to leave the orphanage. There's also the fact that, in most orphanages, the kids don't really have a criteria that the person who takes them should be a blood relative. Just being adopted gives them a better life in most cases and almost all orphans want to get adopted. The last para is simply a fact, noting related to the novel. main point: You might have missed the old orphanage owners words.
Jason_Coonce:Do you feel as though I was too hasty or missed some things? I’ m curious as to what you think
If that is the case I will go back and read through it, I still think that I would go back and add more to that scene. It’s pretty abrupt and could use more detail in the young kids emotions and the fact that they were getting adopted, as from what I read they had been there a long time. For them being adopted would be a huge deal and I feel like they would react a lot more than just ”oh! This guy was In a picture with my family!” We’re going home with him. If that makes sense? It’s your story my friend, if you feel I’m out of line please let me know
PsionicMind:Well.. . yes. The orphanage owner told Lucio already that they won't be keeping the kids with them as they are Lucio's actual siblings. The kids have no choice but to leave the orphanage. There's also the fact that, in most orphanages, the kids don't really have a criteria that the person who takes them should be a blood relative. Just being adopted gives them a better life in most cases and almost all orphans want to get adopted. The last para is simply a fact, noting related to the novel. main point: You might have missed the old orphanage owners words.
Nah ur right. I actually wrote a whole chapter trying to explain their emotions but it felt lacking. So I decided to do it a little in the next few chapters and deleted almost a thousand words lol
Jason_Coonce:If that is the case I will go back and read through it, I still think that I would go back and add more to that scene. It’s pretty abrupt and could use more detail in the young kids emotions and the fact that they were getting adopted, as from what I read they had been there a long time. For them being adopted would be a huge deal and I feel like they would react a lot more than just ”oh! This guy was In a picture with my family!” We’re going home with him. If that makes sense? It’s your story my friend, if you feel I’m out of line please let me know
PsionicMind:Nah ur right. I actually wrote a whole chapter trying to explain their emotions but it felt lacking. So I decided to do it a little in the next few chapters and deleted almost a thousand words lol