Review Detail of Jason_Coonce in World End: The Successor's Contract

I like the idea of this book, I can see the building blocks that you have for it and what you are going for. So couple major things that are holding it back and some things that are going for it. Things that are holding it back is this, grammar and details. This feels very rushed and instead of the narrator telling you things they should have the characters do so. For example, the demon that shows up and attacks the mc. Instead of you telling us his name as the narrator, have him introduce himself. Also, one thing I noticed going through this book is you give us information about a place or creature without it being introduced organically. For example the glinx. You dont mention that name until you mention the plants that were found. But by then, you already mentioned the creature so you could have told us the name of the creatures then. This happens a few times and it makes the reader go back and check what you are taking about which takes you out of immersion. The good, it has decent characters and it’s quite obvious that you spent a lot of time thinking about them. However, they also feel very 2d and do not have a lot of emotion. For example the little girl early on. The way she talked in the middle of her dad being eaten made no sense. “ mom? Mom?” Doesn’t sound like she is freaked out it should read like “ mom!? What’s going on?! Where is dad!?” Just add more emotion to your characters. Also, the book jumps around a lot when it isnt necessary. For example, again I will bring up the little girl scene. It’s just kind of placed there. Whereas you could have had that in the begining of the book instead of just explaining that these monsters the glinx showed up. Make that the beginning of your book and have that be the first time they showed up. I would also be way more descriptive regarding places and creatures epecially if they are a major plot point. Over all I like what you are going for, it just needs some editing and more details in both the characters and what they are feeling and the setting and world building.