Review Detail of LordSputnik in The Book of Us

The Good: The author does an excellent job of showing the reader how the Female Lead's eyes look from the very beginning. The grammar itself is accurate without many glaring mistakes. The story itself isn't anything unique, but the author still does a great job of adding enough variety that it feels unique. The Bad: While we get an excellent description of the Female Lead's eyes, only the female lead gets this treatment leaving us wondering what everyone else looks like. The grammar may be done well from a technical standpoint, but it is very hard to read with several long paragraphs making it feel like a wall of text. The first chapter alone only has a single spoken line. The Neutral: You have an interesting world starting to form and if the reader can piece together the hints, it does appear to be a fantasy realm with magic. It's probably just me, but try revealing it a little faster. I also do not like when you change the subject in the same paragraph. It can make the subject very unclear when you use 'he' or 'she' a lot. For example: "Adam ran home. Billy ran with him. He stopped by his mother's house on the way home." I switched from the subject of Adam to Billy, then back to Adam, but it is very unclear that I did so to the average reader. In this case, I would rewrite it to make Adam the consistent subject throughout "Adam ran home with Billy. He stopped at his mother's house on the way home." Says the same thing, but it is much more definitive that Adam is the 'He' in the second sentence.