Review Detail of Weirdo in I’m NARUTO?!?!??!?!

Hurm, it have a good concept... Not something rare but enough to be uncommon. I think the part you can fix immediately is the paragraph. You could cut it into more paragraph so people wouldn't have to read a whole page of compact text that will make reader unconsciously feel like it's too much text and a bit messy. Then you should also let it 'breath'. When I read your fanfiction, it's like I need one breath to read everything in one go or something will lose... You can also use symbols more. Separate the speech from other sentence so it give us a feeling of its a dialogue instead of another normal sentence...