Review Detail of JohnnyKbca in Princess Lyn: Fleeting Dreams
Review detail
I found the story enjoyable. Despite some grammatical errors, I was able to read it in a single sit through. One thing I noticed is that you sometimes mix present and past tenses. Now, there were a few gripes I had. 1st, I just wish that the romance didn't go so fast and had more time to develop the character's feelings. First time meeting Lyn, Kazuya says a few words and immediately kisses her. The slap was the appropriate response. Then later that same day, she goes looking for Kazuya and kisses him. I was like "What?" Similar thing to Rhys, who also kisses her out of the blue, but this time she just goes with it. She feels naive. I kinda feel like if they both came to her saying that they want to teach her some practical things about sex, she would just agree.
Princess Lyn: Fleeting Dreams
XOMatsumaeohana
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I couldn't remember from the top of my head, so I did a quick look at the first chapters. 1st chapter, 1st paragraph. "For her to find it immediately, it has to carry on shining brighter, brighter than anything this world has ever seen before." I don't actually think this one is wrong, but that it would sound better in the past tense. 3rd chapter, 1st paragraph. "So when he spotted black hair from the corner of his eye, as he approached the tree, he's surprised." 3rd chapter, 17th paragraph. "It's like somebody is telling him it's okay to attack. Before he met her, Kazuya agreed to the plan. He didn't think much of it. But after spending this short time with her, Kazuya is hesitant. However, he has no way to refuse, Kazuya takes the cards from the girl's hands," 7th chapter, 2nd paragraph. "She doesn't listen at first," Again, this was just a quick look through the first chapters, so there might be more.
XOMatsumaeohana:😲 I thought I got rid of that bad habit with the tenses... Seems like that's not the case. Could you point out which chapters you noticed this?