Luke_Moore_3311
My pen name is Janus. A lover of literature, fine food, art and travel. A believer in a voice for all humanity and a fan of random acts of kindness.
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I want to comment fully but there is insufficient space here. A great idea but it would benefit from some punchy editing. The setting needs teasing out. Using emotional amplifiers to show not tell. Motivations need tidying. Eg Logan's help. Character description need fleshing out. If you are interested contact me on Webnovel. I edited the whole first chapter. No space to post here.
Your conversation between Leny and Angel is first-rate, but unfortunately, it's lost in dense delivery. It needs to be spaced out. A new line, a new speaker—it's crisp and engaging, but currently, it's not presented to advantage.
Her Mum and Dad- again this deserves more - develop a recall scene - get the parents dialogue happening.
There are plenty of engaging ideas here, but the paragraphs needs to be shorter. There are also heaps of ideas which could be expanded. Ana's pregnancy and both girls' views on marriage, relationships, etc., would be better as a dialogue- show character views rather than the author narrating and telling.
If you have author reasons for not revealing incidents in total, that's fine, but equally, you can still leave a denser tease trail that engages the reader to move deeper into the story.
I suggest defining the setting a bit more clearly. If it is Kenya and Nairobi or elsewhere use the places to add depth.
A strong full character decription. Well done.
The conversation with the mum needs developing. This is a chance to introduce family and the home setting and get insights into both Angel and her mother. A lot of ideas you tell about love and relationships could be better shared as a dialogue between two characters, or if not the mother, between Ana and Angel.
This section needs several paragraph breaks. Two incidents need teasing out for the reader. The drama club- picture an incident, rehearsal moment and build a show-not-tell scene using the two leads- maybe they are paired as two hot leads in a play- not Romeo and Juliet, ok? Let's go with Antony and Cleopatra, so it's not cliche or Julius Caesar Brutus/Portia. Merchant of Venice- you will have an idea. Elvis and the break-up needs a cameo scene. The reader needs to see the incident whether it's at a cafe, park, or nightclub etc. These are suggestions to improve good reading that could become highly polished and draw in more readers.
Ana has been mentioned twice at this point - I would describe her - a quick sketch.
The long distance hit - dealt with too quickly- include it as phone calls, texts, e-mails - something that show not tells - two lives slipping, drifting apart. Here is the background to Angel- that will shape what happens at Uni and later.
Rode horses, for instance. You, as the author, have the background story in your mind—expose it for the reader—cute first puppy love or company keeping, etc. I think a church setting also allows character insight, so use it.
This is a big block of background story. I suggest showing it as dialogue, a flashback to the guy, and a church. It will build Angel's story more than telling it. Also, I suggest shortening paragraphs.
This intrigues and should be developed. Could you name the guy and tease out the incident?
If wishes were horses, it is cliche - I suggest deleting it- your point is made without it.
Its an engaging start. I suggest some editing. New speaker, new line. Shorter paragraphs.
A suggestion - watch very long paragraphs- this needs a few breaks.