Slow_Neptune
Writing
of reading
121
Read books
Badges
5Moments
169
Slow_Neptune11mthCommentedCh 38 Arrival of someone unexpected- Slow_Neptune1yrCommentedCh 36 Why start a war?
- Slow_Neptune1yrCommentedCh 35 The princesses' concerns
- Slow_Neptune1yrCommentedCh 33 Prison's melancholy
- Slow_Neptune1yrCommented
There is a minor grammatical error in this paragraph. I would suggest inserting "an" into the phrase "wearing emerald green dress" so it reads "wearing an emerald green dress"
After silently waiting for an hour, a flurry of ships began appearing in the distant horizon. Only at this point did someone else approach the two girls. It was a tall blonde woman wearing emerald green dress with a short blue jacket. Forming the colors of the Xingyuu Empire, it was a uniform of the Imperial Council! She wore a sophisticated aura and walked with short, precise steps. With a curvaceous body that did not fail over time, it was a mature contrast to the two young ladies. Her eyes were dark and oddly hypnotic, such that anyone could easily lose themselves in its vivid depth. - Slow_Neptune1yrCommented
Huangfu is ruthless. This is an interesting turn of events
Huangfu snickered and his sword flickered. Before anyone could notice, he had instantaneously cut off the head of the trader! Blood spurted across the deck like a fountain. With a flick of his wrist, he shot the blood off the blade before sheathing it again. The Xingyuu soldiers felt their hearts beating with trepidation. As if all lives were firmly in his grasp, anyone could be killed without resistance! This was the domineering might of an Imperial Sentinel, a Perception Realm expert! Huangfu wanted to keep low-profile until he reached the mainland, but now that the Xingyuu Empire was here to greet him, how could he not take this opportunity? Moreover, the trader was not headed directly to the Yunyun Stronghold. This would undoubtedly be better. - Slow_Neptune1yrCommented
These are my honest opinions of this chapter. Your writing is not bad but the way your telling your story leaves more to be desired. You tell the events to the reader instead of showing them to the reader. A lot happened in this chapter but at the same time, I feel like very little happened. For example instead of telling the reader that Lily told her story and explained the world have Lily actually speak. I want to hear her story and explanations. Instead of telling your reader that Alex emerged victorious describe his battles. It's much more rewarding for the reader to see the MC emerge victorious once they know how hard the MC fought in the battle. Also as you write more of your story think about what makes your story unique. I've seen a lot of stories of MCs getting reincarnated in a fantasy, but what makes yours stand out?
Ch 2 TRANSCENDING REALMS: A NEW BEGINNING - Slow_Neptune1yrCommented
I think it may be better to rephrase the last sentence. Instead of "the atmosphere crackled with freshly cut grass scent" you could say "the atmosphere crackled with the scent of freshly cut grass." I think this could make it clearer for your readers.
This paragraph has been deleted. - Slow_Neptune1yrPosted
The setup of this story is spectacular, leaving room for the reader to enjoy the protagonist, Alexis, growth. The author takes their time in setting up the characters and situations they find themselves in. Some of the writing could be revised for increased clarity but overall the author expresses the characters' emotions really well.
- Slow_Neptune1yrCommented
I like the way you have written Alexis and Sabrina's relationship.
Belatedly, she notices the black smoke surrounding Alexis' body has all but dissipated. Her Lord was still in her arms, so she didn't want to say anything, lest he move. Selfishly, she enjoyed his warmth for a few more moments before opening her mouth reluctantly. - Slow_Neptune1yrCommented
I think you could remove the word basically in the last sentence of this paragraph and it would flow much better.
This paragraph has been deleted. - Slow_Neptune1yrCommented
The phrase "back forward" doesn't read very well. I suggest changing it.
This paragraph has been deleted. - Slow_Neptune1yrCommented
I like the setup. This is a very intriguing first chapter and the characters are all engaging. A suggestion I have is sometimes your sentence structure is repetitive such as in the first paragraph of this chapter. (Most sentences are about the same length and start with a noun.) Also once in a while, you drift between past and present tense which can make certain sentences confusing to read if your tense isn't consistent.
Ch 1 Abandoned By Blood - Slow_Neptune1yrCommented
This chapter raises a lot of interesting mysteries, such as why is this game happening and why is it only 15 to 29-year-olds who participate. I hope these questions have satisfying answers in the future. Also one minor criticism but sometimes in this chapter it's hard to tell who is speaking.
Ch 2 Chapter 2: The Midnight Bell (Part 2) - Slow_Neptune1yrCommented
I would really like a map to better place where all these locations you mention throughout the story are.
It took some time before the Imperial Sentinels reached a coastline town. The leader wisely decided against entering Pelangi Fortress. Pelangi Fortress was the Sentago provincial capital and a massive port city on the Maelstrom Gulf. The fortress was ironclad and a symbol of Alzar might. It weathered countless sieges in the past, but it stood strong through the ages. Just like the Xingyuu Empire's Yunyun Stronghold, the two were the foundations of the conflicts in the Maelstrom Gulf. In the Desterina Ocean, the Maelstrom Gulf was where naval battles were commonplace. It made sense though, as this gulf was the shortest distance between the two continents, excluding the impassable north. Consequently, the fortress was swarming with soldiers. If Illion's message reached the commander, then the Imperial Sentinels would be asking for trouble by entering.