Thad_Zeitlin
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Thad_Zeitlin1yrCommented*I think you meant Whoa! not Wooh,
"Wooh, what important business are you discussing with a boy?" Herny chuckled, then looked Arthur up and down.- Thad_Zeitlin1yrCommented
*Yo! not Yoo,
"Yoo, young master Gordon, why are you sitting here alone, not joining us!" Suddenly a man about William's age approached their table. - Thad_Zeitlin1yrCommented
*young man or yound adult not Young adulthood
"Even though he's still a Young adulthood, he's the most attractive of all the men I've ever seen, let's wait and see if he's just boasting or really has the ability." Her gaze fell on Arthur again. Her charming lips curved slightly before she stared at the dishes on the table. - Thad_Zeitlin1yrPosted
There is something interesting about this story. Perhaps it is the nuances of intrigue? I have been enjoying reading this and I think others may like it. The character descriptions are limited, which is uncommon in light novels. The setting is underdeveloped, which is common in light novels. There are some minor typos and punctuation mistakes. Overall, it is readable so it gets a pass from me.
- Thad_Zeitlin1yrCommented
There is some unnecessary repetition in your writing of common nouns (e.g. in this paragraph it is 'woman'). *asian
The second woman was an Asian woman, her hair wasn't very long, it looked like Isabel's hair except that it was jet black. She was only wearing a short dress layered with a brown coat, looking like she had come to this party without a plan. - Thad_Zeitlin1yrCommented
Is the zero necessary?
"Veterans Street 03," Isabel replied. - Thad_Zeitlin1yrCommented
The recurring typos seem to be entirely female pronouns and what not.
After saying that, sue grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the house. - Thad_Zeitlin1yrCommented
Your punctuation needs work and there seems to be a few small typos here and there. When you publish a work, it is expected you would have addressed small things like this especially when monetising it. Why? You leave the impression of a sloppy writer, which can be avoided.
After chatting with his aunt, Arthur went to the second floor, towards his room. - Thad_Zeitlin1yrCommented
*"That's a great idea! Maybe I should take a look," Arthur replied.
"That's a great idea, maybe I should take a look too" Arthur replied. - Thad_Zeitlin1yrCommented
*her not hrr
Arthur rolled his eyes at hrr answer. He easily concluded that she was brave now because he would take care of her. - Thad_Zeitlin1yrCommented
*She not Eje
Carla was calm, but Bella suddenly took a step forward. Both of her hands moved to Arthur's body, landing on his chest. Eje held his shirt and looked at him from hair to toe. - Thad_Zeitlin1yrCommented
*2pm or 1400 or 14:00 not 14.00
School ends around 14.00! - Thad_Zeitlin1yrCommented
*She had already seen how flames appeared above his palm so how could something like taming a tiger stun her?
She had already seen how flames appeared above his palm, how something like taming a wild tiger could stun her. - Thad_Zeitlin1yrCommented
"Carla? Bella? Leo, Conor, Nova, Stella and I will be studying together this afternoon at Nova's house. Are you interested in joining? Nova's father will help us. You know . . . he is a professor," he said.
This paragraph has been deleted. - Thad_Zeitlin1yrCommented
Now, I am starting to like this story :)
'It might take me two hours to form this Spiritual Core,' he thought. - Thad_Zeitlin1yrCommented
Note Sanderson's Second Law being Limitations > Powers
Arthur, as a great magus comprehended more than ten thousand spells, which were imprinted in his memory. Maybe he transmigrated into a different body, but as long as his memory remained, his understanding of every spell would always remain. - Thad_Zeitlin1yrCommented
Brutal.
Arthur took it, without saying anything, he swung the stick at the bald youth's face. - Thad_Zeitlin1yrCommented'Yes, my body is weak, but if I use one hundred percent of my strength, I can still compete with boxers.'
- Thad_Zeitlin1yrCommented
I think you mean "split the sky"? You can't shake the sky but you can shake the earth or salt or things that are solid.
Only, his anger instantly rose to its highest point. How could he not, he was a being who could shake the sky, burn an empire to ashes, how could he accept a group of mortal youths beat him up. - Thad_Zeitlin1yrCommented
With 'a shoe falling' it seems like an object dropping rather than someone stomping down. Try referring to the sole of a boot coming down, which is what the protagonist would see, no? It will read better.
'What happened?' Arthur was supposed to be meditating, learning his new spell, but he saw a shoe falling swiftly onto his face.