ahh sorry i was just texting you.the problems are mostly show dont tell which is literally so easy to fix. like read any book that shows u how to properly show and evoke description and the dialogue too it's too long and feels off ya gotta shorten it and make it more realistic. thats it. cold have been a really cool novel from it's concept

so many problems. mid at best but i bet this will get deleted

not gonna lie bro. you actually have decent pretty good writing skills compared to most of the trash in webnovel and royal road. you do show dont tell well. your dialogue is realistic and short. have you read any books on writing before? maybe the only flaw here is things move a little too fast. overall if you had a great concept you could be popular no daubt about it.