Little_BlackHorse
Love to read and writing thrillers and fantasy (Follow my IG: littleblackhorse)
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Little_BlackHorse1yrPostedIt's an interesting idea, but somehow there are some parts that I think is unnecessary and the use of punctuation is not quite right, leaving me momentarily confused. However, the character portrayal is quite good as seen from the dialog. Good job author and keep up the good work!
This book has been deleted.- Little_BlackHorse1yrCommented
i feel this setence it's kinda filler. you can erase this and make it to narration it's much better
This book has been deleted. - Little_BlackHorse1yrCommented
split into two paragraphs
This book has been deleted. - Little_BlackHorse1yrCommented
aurora pov? it;s kinda weird
This book has been deleted. - Little_BlackHorse1yrCommented
I think these chapters end without any trigger for the reader to continue reading the story. Maybe you can change it
This book has been deleted. - Little_BlackHorse1yrCommented
"Gwen!" Aurora called after her sister who got to their house and barged in, "Mom!......
This book has been deleted. - Little_BlackHorse1yrCommented
wait, it's kinda weird read this
This book has been deleted. - Little_BlackHorse1yrCommented
I think this note is better at synopsis, it;s kinda weird have this on chapter 1
This book has been deleted. - Little_BlackHorse1yrCommented
this sentences it's kinda weird.
This book has been deleted. - Little_BlackHorse1yrCommented
it;'s better if you asked how did you get here?
This book has been deleted. - Little_BlackHorse1yrCommented
you can split into 2 paragraphs,it's much better
This book has been deleted. - Little_BlackHorse1yrReplied to Ralph_Fourie
- Little_BlackHorse1yrCommented
For me, it's kinda weird if the name is the number
The night was shrouded in an eerie stillness, broken only by the stealthy movements of two figures clad in black as they crept through the twisting, labyrinthine alleys. Every step was taken with extreme caution, their senses honed to detect any signs of danger. The stakes were high, for 23 and 95 were about to betray their own organization, and the slightest mistake could lead to their undoing. - Little_BlackHorse1yrCommented
23 is the name or what?
"Is that our target, 23?" queried 95, peering through his binoculars at the man they had been following. - Little_BlackHorse1yrCommented
just use one !
"May the heavens have mercy on the people of this world. Let there be light once more... LUMINE MAXIMUS!!!" he exclaimed, his voice ringing out across the battlefield. The skies began to clear, revealing a clear blue color that filled Dronzer with warmth. As the light shone upon him, it was as if the heavens themselves were kissing the Celestial on his forehead. - Little_BlackHorse1yrCommented
maybe just use one! I think, it;'s has the same meaning with !!!
Instead of tears, blood flowed down Dronzer's cheeks as he thought to himself,' Celina, you loved life and you gave everything to save it and you were just a mere human. I let you die. I can't do that...I won't watch it anymore. I-I feel it slipping. My power is going haywire. I won't watch this anymore!!!' - Little_BlackHorse1yrCommented
I think you can split it into two. "You can yourself Dronzer, a being beyond evn the gods themselves, " He rolled his eyes and looked at him."But, why you protect those pathetic creatures?"
This paragraph has been deleted. - Little_BlackHorse1yrCommented
I think the word "with" can't be put in the first sentences. you can say but he was not one to be underestimated. He gathered.....
Dronzer gritted his teeth, his anger burning hot within him. He knew he was outmatched, but he refused to go down without a fight. His enemies may have thought they had won, but he was not one to be underestimated. With a fierce determination, he gathered his remaining strength and launched one final attack, determined to take down as many of his foes as he could before he fell. - Little_BlackHorse1yrPosted
The story is good and interesting, but the use of punctuation and improper grammar made it a bit difficult for me to read. the story flows, and the character portrayal is detailed and good. However, too many characters in one chapter made me confused, and read it twice. Good job author, keep up the good work.