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Michael_Porter_73532yrCommentedIf 1 silver was the cost of his enrollment fee and it was a month’s salary for his father, i would expect Derik to try and barter the price.
"Lame," he said staring at Mason who sat on the floor. He picked up the small leather pouch where he keeps his money and left the room. After having breakfast at the cafeteria, he went to the armory and bought a pair of brown leather vambrace, brown leather breastplate, a quiver, and then a bow. He silently cursed as he handed over 1sliver and 12 coppers. By the time he got to the training field located behind the castle, it was already 9 am- Michael_Porter_73532yrCommented
Stick with a PoV.the scene started with Mason but we suddenly are still with Derik.
"Lame," he said staring at Mason who sat on the floor. He picked up the small leather pouch where he keeps his money and left the room. After having breakfast at the cafeteria, he went to the armory and bought a pair of brown leather vambrace, brown leather breastplate, a quiver, and then a bow. He silently cursed as he handed over 1sliver and 12 coppers. By the time he got to the training field located behind the castle, it was already 9 am - Michael_Porter_73532yrCommented
Are they attack bells?
Mason screamed and jumped off his bed when he heard the bell ring. His eyes were bloodshot and he silently swore to hang the man ringing the bell. At this time, Derik was already done preparing. He wore his normal white shirt made of textiles, his usual brown trousers, and brown boots. He was putting on the brown gloves he bought for 12 copper coins when he heard the bell and watched Mason's hilarious response. - Michael_Porter_73532yrCommented
Breaking immersion by talking to thw audience. Would have been better to play this out in a scene rather than info dump
Derik shook his head repeatedly and was confused for a moment, the Martinus family was one of the top noble families in the town of Briton let their child join the archery class. In most cases, nobles pay heavily just to get their children into the Magical class in hopes that their child's magic powers will manifest and reveal themselves. Some nobles even go as far as spending thousands of gold coins just to acquire potions that help enhance magic powers in hopes that their kid's magic powers will manifest. For a top noble family to let their child join the physical class there are only two possible reasons. The first is their child already specializes in that class and they wish to develop his talent but this is very unlikely because most nobles prefer the fame and honor gotten from the magical classes especially nobles residing in little towns such as Briton, this will greatly enhance their status in other parts of the kingdom. And the second reason is this; the child is a black sheep in the family. This is usually accurate most of the time when the children of noble families fail to meet up to their parent's expectation, most of them are forced to join groups like the adventurers association and the military in hopes that they either succeed and make a name for themselves or lose their life in a dangerous mission. Derik knew the boy was from a noble family because of his hair color but he didn't think it was one of the top noble families. A sinister smile appeared on his face - Michael_Porter_73532yrCommented
Very jarring PoV change. the next paragarph show this without the POV change.
[Not only am I forced to live in a filthy place but I also have to share a room with a commoner… what nonsense] - Michael_Porter_73532yrCommented
A lot of work could be done on this to grab attention better. lots of info dumping that could be shown and not told in future chapters. Very little description of the castle and why they start training at 14. over didnt catch my attention. be better about capitalizing too. is it the Holy church, holy Church, or Holy Church?
Ch 1 Chapter 1:Shattered Dreams