webnovel
avatar
1632719253358
Foxner

Foxner

Lv13

Heyo. Foxner here. Just saying hello to the world... Hello~ P.S. My old username was Flounder62. Decided to change things up.

2021-05-07 JoinedGlobal
-d

Writing

115.4h

of reading

127

Read books

Badges

12

Moments

219
  • Foxner
    Foxner7mth
    Replied to De_Prodigy

    (Sorry for the super late reply, I mostly stick to Royal Road) So I'd probably just write that she was panting hard and drenched in sweat.What would you do after exerting your self to an extreme degree. You probably have sign of exhaustion. If you spit out blood, you would probably be concerned why blood is in your mouth (at least I would be deeply concerned where that blood came from).

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    altalt
    MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
    Fantasy · De_Prodigy
    detail
  • Foxner
    Foxner9mth
    Commented

    I really hope this story makes use of mycorrhizal networks.

    Prologue
    altalt
    Reincarnated As A Plant Life
    Fantasy · Kurai_Takahashi
    detail
  • Foxner
    Foxner9mth
    Replied to femme_fatale

    Lol, glad you enjoyed it!

    Well, this is just a mess.
    altalt
    Below The Black Sun
    Fantasy · Foxner
    detail
  • Foxner
    Foxner9mth
    Replied to De_Prodigy

    I'll be honest. I usually try to stay away from romance novels. Most of the romance novels I've read were by accident. I went into many of them thinking they were just fantasy novels, but by the time I realized they were romance, it was too late; I was already hooked, unable to put the book down. Like Thrown of Glass by Sarah J. Maas. Oh, Air Awakens by Elise Kova was also one of the romance series I was tricked into reading. Man, that one hurt so much and I couldn't put it down. Although I never read the last book in the series, I could tell where it was going and I didn't think my heart could take another heartbreak.

    P1: The Clash
    altalt
    MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
    Fantasy · De_Prodigy
    detail
  • Foxner
    Foxner9mth
    Commented

    Your prolog is good. A lot of people will pick up a book and give it 5-10 minutes to see if they like it. I think yours will do a good job of getting readers interested in reading more.

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    altalt
    MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
    Fantasy · De_Prodigy
    detail
  • Foxner
    Foxner9mth
    Commented

    Consider an em dash so she is cut off instead of trailing of on her dialog.

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    altalt
    MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
    Fantasy · De_Prodigy
    detail
  • Foxner
    Foxner9mth
    Replied to Foxner

    Just in case you are curious. I am an astrophysics major at university.

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    altalt
    MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
    Fantasy · De_Prodigy
    detail
  • Foxner
    Foxner9mth
    Commented

    Just a pet peeve of mine as I am a scientist. People don't just randomly spit out blood. They have to have some internal bleeding for that to happen; the bleeding had to have happened somewhere in the mouth area or the lungs. I get it is common in anime, but I just wanted to point this out.

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    altalt
    MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
    Fantasy · De_Prodigy
    detail
  • Foxner
    Foxner9mth
    Commented

    Consider the other characters launching attacks, too, and having the crystal render everything into oblivion simultaneously

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    altalt
    MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
    Fantasy · De_Prodigy
    detail
  • Foxner
    Foxner9mth
    Commented

    Again, be careful with what you write during this part, this seems to be the climax of the chapter and you don't want to distract people from the tension. This is also a fast pace moment and the narrative should reflect this nature. Remember that the main focus in fights is adding tension and suspense, not describing the alluring looks of a character unless if it is important for the fight. Keep in mind, what I said is just my opinion. At the end of the day, it is your novel, you can write it however you want. It is an art that is individual to each author.

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    altalt
    MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
    Fantasy · De_Prodigy
    detail
  • Foxner
    Foxner9mth
    Commented

    Some exposition here that might need refinement. I get that it's probably foreshadowing or important for a future chapter, but consider removing this exposition or moving it somewhere else. This is a tense moment, and it takes away from the tension.

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    altalt
    MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
    Fantasy · De_Prodigy
    detail
  • Foxner
    Foxner9mth
    Commented

    I recommend refining this paragraph a bit.

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    altalt
    MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
    Fantasy · De_Prodigy
    detail
  • Foxner
    Foxner9mth
    Commented

    Since this is a fast-paced moment, I recommend combining this paragraph with the previous one. I also recommend removing the part that says the energy attack had the upper hand. Here is an example of what you can do: '...The crystal's energy sliced through the first barrier, plunging immediately into a confrontation with the unseen second. Shards of the demolished first barrier plummeted to the ground, a testament to the cataclysmic power of the energy. The standoff between the crystal's raw energy and the resilient second barrier resulted in a stalemate, their struggle sending waves of energy rippling across the room.'

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    altalt
    MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
    Fantasy · De_Prodigy
    detail
  • Foxner
    Foxner9mth
    Commented

    Same here. Unless the bubble is being deformed.

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    altalt
    MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
    Fantasy · De_Prodigy
    detail
  • Foxner
    Foxner9mth
    Commented

    Consider removing 'bubble' at the end. It can be seen as a bit repetitive since you already said that the barrier was a bubble in the previous paragraph.

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    altalt
    MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
    Fantasy · De_Prodigy
    detail
  • Foxner
    Foxner9mth
    Replied to Foxner

    But TBH, its just a matter of style. If you want to use sonic icons, then you can do that (sonic icons mean words that represent sounds, think of POW, BANG, or HAHA)

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    altalt
    MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
    Fantasy · De_Prodigy
    detail
  • Foxner
    Foxner9mth
    Commented

    I'd probably end the dialog at 'mercy?' and then go on to describe the laugh, then finish with the dialog 'Dream on!'.

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    altalt
    MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
    Fantasy · De_Prodigy
    detail
  • Foxner
    Foxner9mth
    Commented

    Remove the following 2 paragraph breaks.

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    altalt
    MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
    Fantasy · De_Prodigy
    detail
  • Foxner
    Foxner9mth
    Commented

    I think 'had' might be a better fit

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    altalt
    MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
    Fantasy · De_Prodigy
    detail
  • Foxner
    Foxner9mth
    Commented

    This is a great opening! It tells you so much in such a small paragraph. Here is an alternative way that aims to heighten the atmosphere of this paragraph. Feel free to use any of it if you want. " A harrowing cry echoed through the sprawling castle corridors, its raw desperation bouncing off cold stone walls and richly woven tapestries. It was the wail of a woman, her voice knotted with urgency and anxiety, calling out for... "

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    altalt
    MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
    Fantasy · De_Prodigy
    detail