Big_D_Apatheem
Go and search for my little pony ff. Go forth mine child, for thou shall lose faith in humanity.
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Big_D_Apatheem4hCommentedYo no hate man, but do the dialogues improve?
"Alright thank you for the hospitality May and Ben"- Big_D_Apatheem4hCommented
Please use some commas😭
"Nice to meet you sir I'm Kol Dagon Peters friend at school" - Big_D_Apatheem4hCommented
"Hmm... is that so? Thank you system." Looks much better I think
"Hm, is that so thank you system" - Big_D_Apatheem4hReplied to Kazuma_desu_
So did they do it with madks on or what💀
I'm definitely making sure this Peter doesn't end up with Mary Jane and who knows maybe in the process of being a good friend I'll gain some points making this a win-win. - Big_D_Apatheem5hReplied to world_domination
Leave an empty space every 3 lines. Makes it much more readable. See how this makes it much easier on the mind, because you have seperate things to focus on. Your brain struggles with big blocks of texts, because it thinks all the info is relevant and tries to connect it all together which gets overwhelming
The movie even showed how much she hurt Peter time and time again. Yet even after all that he was always there for her and would always try to do better. - Big_D_Apatheem5hCommented
She is drop dead gorgeous
[Image] - Big_D_Apatheem1dCommented
I think you meant conscience?
This paragraph has been deleted. - Big_D_Apatheem5dCommented
I'm curious about the 107 comments, but opening allat takes too long😔
Since you are reading this, that means my greatest secrets are now yours!" Once I was done reading the intro lines I realised that, yeah… this was The Solomon the dude with 72 demons… devils, the very same one who had a massive harem and ruled Israel. - Big_D_Apatheem5dCommentedThe Evil Spirit felt some movement in her lower abdomen and shot up from her seat, "Hmm, my water broke at the right time…" she whispered, ready to give birth.
- Big_D_Apatheem5dReplied to comedyisland
I think its cause his basic dmg isnt effective enough, so he has to compensate with more outpu, which eats his stanina away
Shakky puffed out a cloud of smoke, eyeing the giant pirate. "Damien-chan has a glaring weakness. At his age and level of experience, he is not fit for extended battles; a drawn-out conflict will be his downfall." - Big_D_Apatheem7dReplied to CoffeeLover_13
Definetly darkness, and prolly either sound or gravity
But unlike him, who only needed to develop a single nature, she had to train her [Power of Time], too, which made her neglect her second nature over the last few years since she planned on developing her original nature to the limits. - Big_D_Apatheem14dReplied to Sphire1707
Devious, despicable
"Pretty or not, she's his, not mine," Mylo said with a laugh as he put his other arm around another one of the girls and they walked through the doors of the school together. - Big_D_Apatheem14dReplied to Sphire1707
If the mc gets cucked
'This bastard is already giving my girl nicknames,' Jason thought suspiciously as he watched Mylo run off as the door came down automatically. - Big_D_Apatheem14dCommented
Feels like when my older brothers take me with them and drop me off somewhere lol
"Let's go," he called out to Mylo as he through the house, and out the front door. - Big_D_Apatheem14dCommented
How about some social edia reactions to his interviews? Or some POVs from scouts from top clubs, or Portos upper brass andwhat they think about him? I like your MC more than Zachary, but the world building is a bit lacking
*Ring* *Ring* - Big_D_Apatheem14dReplied to Sphire1707
If you compare his pure ability with other players in history, I'd say he deserves at least 2 ballon d'ors. For that he has to leave PSG, and his only options are proably Real Madrid or City. Not sure on your plans for Jasons going forward so I cant take that into account. I just wish the player who got me into football didnt end up in Saudi at 32 with everyone knowing how good he is, but him having not enough trophies and achievements to reflect his ability😔
The bus first arrived at the hotel and the players went in to have a brunch of sorts, but still had to keep their meal light as they would have a match soon, and by 2: 00 pm they were already on their way to the Estadio D. Afonso Henriques. - Big_D_Apatheem14dReplied to Sphire1707
Dw, I've just read so much, I have to nitpick😂 you can ignore my advice and keep doing your best, now worries
Adele could see Jason's curiosity in his eyes, yet at the same time, she could hear his indifference in his tone and she immediately knew that only her full disclosure would even have a slight chance of shaking Jason's indifference and enable him to even consider hiring her as an agent. - Big_D_Apatheem14dCommented
If youre going to describe his emotion from her perspective, you shouldve just left the part above out. No need for repetitions
Adele could see Jason's curiosity in his eyes, yet at the same time, she could hear his indifference in his tone and she immediately knew that only her full disclosure would even have a slight chance of shaking Jason's indifference and enable him to even consider hiring her as an agent. - Big_D_Apatheem14dCommentedIt was a dangerous aura and quite similar to what some fantasy books would call killing intent, but it was merely a display of one's mindset, will, and intention in a way that was almost palpable and could cause fear in people with a weaker will.
- Big_D_Apatheem14dCommented
The Neuer disrespect😭
Jason didn't remember Lukas Hradecky being this good in his previous reality, so what was going on, and why was this guy performing like he had been possessed by prime Casillas, Buffon, and Petr Cech all combined into one person?