Brooke_Moore_3337
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Brooke_Moore_33373yrCommentedyour writing is wonderful! Take all the time you need to find your inspiration- if it takes you away from this story, then so be it. Writing is fickle that way. But what you've given us is amazing and something I keep coming back to, so I can't wait to see what else you create!
This chapter has been deleted.- Brooke_Moore_33373yrPosted
One of the better-written stories I've come across so far. It's a low bar to clear, but the sentence structure, grammar, pacing, imagery, and characterization are excellently done- I hope I get to see more of the world and meet more alien species as the story continues, since this writer does have a flair for some interesting humanoid builds.
- Brooke_Moore_33373yrCommentedCh 1 One
- Brooke_Moore_33373yrCommented
Incredible description! very detailed and conveys age and neglect without outright telling us. 10/10 writing here!
The bars were old and rusted to the extent that they had turned patchy, orange in color. Red films from the bar of rods that looked peeled away from the many months and years that passed by. - Brooke_Moore_33373yrCommented
your scene transitions could use some work, and although i'm not going to fault you for getting more into a character's backstory, timing is really critical for that.
Lost in her memories, Penny rested her chin on her knees. While staring off into space, she heard a scream outside. Startled and scared, she raised her head, eyebrows furrowing. - Brooke_Moore_33373yrCommented
Okay. This was... an interesting read. A good first draft, but definitely not a finished piece of writing. You've got some work to do on scene building and dialogue, but that burst of action was delicious.
This paragraph has been deleted. - Brooke_Moore_33373yrCommented
Okay the writing is starting to get WAY better. seems you have a natural talent for action scenes!
Without pause, she closed her umbrella and smashed his head with the edge of the handle as hard as she could before sprinting away. With the countless puddles that littered the ground, every step she took was accompanied with a large splash. One of her hands held the front of her dress as she made a mad dash through the streets. - Brooke_Moore_33373yrCommented
Wait, how do we suddenly know his name? That just feels clunky to me.
Damien breathed a single word, "Yes," taking one final look at the girl who had caught his eye. - Brooke_Moore_33373yrCommented
"But he had urgent matters that required his attention" would have probably been a better way to phrase that.
Her features were rather delicate and to his liking, and if he could, he would have gone over to speak with her, but he had other matters to attend to. Pressing matters which needed his attention. - Brooke_Moore_33373yrCommented
Ah yes, finally, a decent human being. on a related note, it would have been nice to get a description of the carriage, the horses, and the coachman. remember, your audience only sees what you describe.
"Master, is everything alright? Did you drop something?" asked the coachman who was ordered to pull over. - Brooke_Moore_33373yrCommented
Wait, so now the uncle has the umbrella? I'm confused.
"Let me go check the market to make sure they aren't there," he replied, readying himself with the umbrella only to have his wife grab his shirt. - Brooke_Moore_33373yrCommented
Why aren't they standing under their stand then? Or somewhere out of the rain, which will drench their product and cause it to get moldy?
They had been standing there with a sack of potatoes and turnips which had to be sold to a customer today. They owned a little shop at the corner end of the village market. The shop did not fare well. - Brooke_Moore_33373yrCommented
I would have split this into two paragraphs with a little more detail in each.
The butler who stood near the wall spoke shakily, "Sir, it was Mr. Reverale," Damien's face turned sour, his jaw ticking in anger he turned his face to the side where the butler stood behind.