Derfelionne
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Derfelionne3yrPostedYour writing quality is good, there are only few mistakes there and there. Also, please refrain from using past tense and alike too much, since it's a bit "action killing" for me. Although, I know you are telling the MC's past before he died. Mmm...your novel it's kinda long, more than 2k words I presume? I like it but please divide your long paragraphs into two or three, so it won't confuse the readers or make them bored. Stability of updates...good! I like this novel updated every day, so it's not leave a "hang cliff" on my neck. Your story development is also good, it's nice and not "forced" like a flow of quick river. Your description on each of the characters is also extremely good. I can know their personality and "alignment", for example like Tim who acts like kid, etc... World Background I love how you describe Northlandia, as well as few places in your world. I can grasp what those places look like really well. Overall this novel is good for reading! Especially you, who loves DND and game-like fantasy story and not boring like "isekai harem" genre who walks in front of us everyday, although this story is really complex in several points. Dear author, keep up your good work!
- Derfelionne3yrCommented
"She **had** less manner than her sister does" Not, **has**...I think.
This paragraph has been deleted. - Derfelionne3yrCommented
Extra space below again!
This paragraph has been deleted. - Derfelionne3yrCommented
"you know" here can be deleted, I think...
This paragraph has been deleted. - Derfelionne3yrCommented
Extra space below, would you like to edit it dear author?
"Hahaha, you may be right, Tavaniris-dono. By the way, what bring you here?" - Derfelionne3yrCommented
"On the hall" or "in the hall"? The tent is **in** the cave, isn't it?
"Yes, we have. But living in that luxurious magical tent is boring and there will not be "adventuring sensation" at all, so we just set them there and decided to rebuild this cave haha…" Robert pointed out two magical tents on the main hall. - Derfelionne3yrCommented
"Toval sighs as he rubs his head"...?
"Haah, even though this bouncy earth bed is really comfortable, somehow I still feel more tired than a couple daesh ago." Toval sighed and rubbed his head. - Derfelionne3yrCommented
I think it's better to divide this paragraph into two?
The man who is standing near her is the leader of the [Holy Reign] Party, Victor Nanderioelle he is also Viorelle's older brother. Unlike his "unexplainable" little sister, Victor or now we called him as "Nan" is a dependable, calm and friendly Cat Sith with gentle face that often makes the girls fall for him. Nan once stationed in Vanaheim World, inside Yggdrasil Tree but he moved to Northlandia after his father asked him to find his little sister who somehow still hadn't come back from Northlandia. But after he went there to check her, he found his rich little sister riding a luxury carriage and she brings a bucket of [Grea Flower] with her. He moved to Northlandia after that incident, only to observe his little sister. Yeah, I know how you feel having a little sister that somewhat "unpredictable." Luckily, both of Arianna and Rebecca isn't like that. - Derfelionne3yrCommented
I think, "so" isn't required?
This paragraph has been deleted. - Derfelionne3yrCommentedCh 28 Story III / Part XXVI: Before The Red Dawn (XIV) / Raid Battle (I)
- Derfelionne3yrCommented
Good chant.
This paragraph has been deleted. - Derfelionne3yrCommentedCh 27 Story III / Part XXV: Before The Red Dawn (XIII) / Preparation (IV)
- Derfelionne3yrCommentedCh 24 Story III / Part XXII: Before The Red Dawn (X) / Preparation (I)
- Derfelionne3yrCommentedCh 23 Story III / Part XXI: Before The Red Dawn (IX) / Strategy Meeting (II)
- Derfelionne3yrCommentedCh 21 Story III / Part XIX: Before The Red Dawn (VII) / A Dark Elf and A Dungeon Exploration
- Derfelionne3yrCommentedCh 15 Story III / Part XIII: Before The Red Dawn (I) / Base