Despair512
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Despair51216dCommentedGhost targets family, right? Maybe they family. Doubtful thou gh
As the officer handcuffed Charlie with his colleague's assistance, he informed him, "Madame Alice is dead!"- Despair51218dReplied to Ssnake23
The same he has with fors
"I have followed your instructions and gained Osta Trul's trust. I've also requested his introduction to Mr. K's mysticism gathering… - Despair51219dReplied to LordRemms
Hmm, freebies. I suppose they count as that.
"Excellent." Baron Brignais recognized that Lumian had no intention of crossing the Savoie Mob. - Despair51220dCommented
Kill -> killed
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Town -> tone
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Huh, honestly surprised the actual name is still given. Seems npcs are naked infront of players.
[Elite NPC: Kurosawa] - Despair51220dCommented
What
"Then why you didn't charge them earlier?" Although irritated, he cannot let his emotion get over him. Mel is a scary folk so he must try his best to talk this out. - Despair51220dReplied to Maketh07
Ah interesting, manipulate others to get a chance to issue a quest…
If Gerard saw his thoughts, he might lose control and beat to death this Swordsman with a Mohawk haircut! Apologies for the Mohawk haircut but this ugly piece of a problem citizen is just tasteless! How a Swordsman could have a mohawk haircut? He can understand if this player's job is a thug but it's not! He is a shame in the world of Swordsman! - Despair51222dCommented
Although I was able to understand the explaination, it was quite difficult. Recommend you edit things like this first when you get to it 👍
Meanwhile, a single Level 1 Ogre barely meets the minimum requirements to be labeled as E Rank but it is a different story if there are more than 5 five Level 1 Ogre or a horde of Ogre. Then it easily meets the requirements to be labeled as D Rank. But as a single Level 20 Ogre, with its built and accumulated combat experiences, it can still inflict terror on a Town, and authorities will require some time of to deal with them. So it is only reasonable to be tagged as D Rank. - Despair51222dCommented
Good 👍
[The Host cannot intentionally issue a quest. A Player must be the first to interact with the Host. And the Host cannot issue consecutive quests to the same Player in a single day] - Despair51224dPosted
I honestly have no complaints about this story thus far. The premise for a great story is there and you are executing it quite well. The grammar causes no problems and you are doing well in developing your own world. I look forward in slowly catching up to the most recent chapter. Will probably update this once I have caught up, whenever that is…:)
- Despair51224dCommentedCh 4 Error
- Despair51224dCommented
This book in my opinion has a lot of potential. The idea is most definitely. However two problems exist atm that stand out the most to me. 1. The constant switching between present and past tense at inappropriate times. This is resulting in the idea you are setting out failing to hit its target. Also makes it harder to read. 2. As someone said before me, the potential for the story based on the background info you just gave is there. However it needs more, or so it seems. Perhaps fixing problem one would result in problem two being resolved.
Ch 1 Superior Machine - Despair51224dReplied to Despair512
Also is the disease singular? Also try to keep in same tense, can -> could. (Possibly)
This paragraph has been deleted. - Despair51224dCommented
Earth flourish more than even - this sounds wrong. Earth was flourishing might be better?
This paragraph has been deleted. - Despair51224dPosted
A temporary review. Will be changed to better fit the actual story later. The first few chapters so far struggle a lot with keeping the correct tense and overall grammar needs some work. The idea behind a story is most definitely there. Just not applied in the best way. Will edit after 30 Ch. or less if I don’t make it that far…
- Despair51228dCommented
So he is in a game with players already in it? if so, he better be careful…
Hundreds of cards materialized out of thin air, encircling Evan like a halo. He gazed at them in awe, his eyes scanning the cards in search of the one he had been hoping for. The skill he wanted to acquire was an offensive soul ability known as Bullet. It used to be a high-level soul ability in the first patch, but it had been downgraded to a low-level ability in the third patch. - Despair51228dCommented
💯
In order to prevent his father from regarding him as a monster, Evan decided not to disclose his secret to anyone and keep it hidden forever. It could be seen in his eyes that he had resolved to take it to his grave. - Despair51228dReplied to Crimson_ink
This can be shocking depending on your audience. Not sure if your familiar with one of the biggest problems kids have in the US. (suicide/depression) which usually comes from them feeling like they can’t talk to their parents. So with no info on this father, the idea that he would be willing to do such a thing surprises some as we tend to portray our own life ideas when reading. Also common trend for novels have the Mc tell another and it comes to back to bite them. Ofc I’m unsure who’s actually reading this, but that’s my bit. Sorry bout the rant!
"I bet my father would be so relieved to know that I've finally conquered my paranoia. But telling him about my memories of my past life might be pushing it. I mean, it's not every day you hear about a 16-year-old with 34 years of memories. I don't want to scare him off." - Despair5121mthCommented
Good thing about this, no 5 6 7 8 9 or weird stars that just keep showing up… hopefully?
3-star is the lowest, whereas 1-star is the highest.
