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US_DreamerDon

US_DreamerDon

Lv14

just an artist looking for inspiration

2019-04-18 JoinedUnited States
-d

Writing

40.2h

of reading

119

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46

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73
  • US_DreamerDon
    US_DreamerDon2yr
    Commented

    I forgot to mention that Jan 21st is my birthday so I will TRY to post two chapters instead of one in celebration. Figures crossed if I manage this.

    Ch 12 Scientific Magic?!?
    altalt
    Aristocrat to Adventurer
    Fantasy · US_DreamerDon
    detail
  • US_DreamerDon
    US_DreamerDon2yr
    Commented

    I'm feeling a lot better now and have continued to write. I will try to get Chapter 12 done and up today. If not possible, I will have it up on Wednesday.

    Ch 11 Ritual prep
    altalt
    Aristocrat to Adventurer
    Fantasy · US_DreamerDon
    detail
  • US_DreamerDon
    US_DreamerDon2yr
    Replied to Jayiel

    I will definitely try that out! Thank you

    Ch 11 Ritual prep
    altalt
    Aristocrat to Adventurer
    Fantasy · US_DreamerDon
    detail
  • US_DreamerDon
    US_DreamerDon2yr
    Replied to Dean_XX

    Wow. I've already reported you.

    Ch 3 The Adventurer's Guild
    altalt
    Aristocrat to Adventurer
    Fantasy · US_DreamerDon
    detail
  • US_DreamerDon
    US_DreamerDon2yr
    Commented

    New chapter. This is where the story really changes from the old one!

    This chapter has been deleted.
    altalt
    Aristocrat to Adventurer
    Fantasy · US_DreamerDon
    detail
  • US_DreamerDon
    US_DreamerDon2yr
    Commented

    UPDATED CHAPTER

    This chapter has been deleted.
    altalt
    Aristocrat to Adventurer
    Fantasy · US_DreamerDon
    detail
  • US_DreamerDon
    US_DreamerDon2yr
    Replied to Clone_v2

    Thank you very much for the review. I will be reworking my story, keeping your assessment of it in mind! Thank you again!

    altalt
    Aristocrat to Adventurer
    Fantasy · US_DreamerDon
    detail
  • US_DreamerDon
    US_DreamerDon2yr
    Replied to Maryam_Zahoor

    Thank you for the offer, but I'm good.

    This chapter has been deleted.
    altalt
    Aristocrat to Adventurer
    Fantasy · US_DreamerDon
    detail
  • US_DreamerDon
    US_DreamerDon2yr
    Replied to Maryam_Zahoor

    For spacing. I wanted a break so readers can gather their thoughts. Think of them as empty lines.

    This chapter has been deleted.
    altalt
    Aristocrat to Adventurer
    Fantasy · US_DreamerDon
    detail
  • US_DreamerDon
    US_DreamerDon2yr
    Replied to Maryam_Zahoor

    Thank you very much

    This chapter has been deleted.
    altalt
    Aristocrat to Adventurer
    Fantasy · US_DreamerDon
    detail
  • US_DreamerDon
    US_DreamerDon2yr
    Replied to Suoshi

    Okay. I don't know if you thought about this part: Her lips aren't going to match up to her words.

    "Is this some kind of joke?" I addressed no one in particular, wondering if they even spoke the same language as me. But to my surprise the words I spoke came out in a language I had never ever heard of before, but apparently, I understood it. Shocking discovery, indeed. If I wasn't so confused I'd even start yelling at people, asking if I've been kidnapped. But if I really had been kidnapped, I wouldn't be lying freely on a grand double bed with a duvet which was soft-as-hell and looked extremely expensive. Oh Lawd, I was even wearing a silk gown. Warcrime.
    altalt
    How The Princess Rewrote Her Tragic Ending
    Fantasy · Suoshi
    detail
  • US_DreamerDon
    US_DreamerDon2yr
    Replied to Suoshi

    If my brain is naturally translating, would I pick up on it? This is my point.

    "Is this some kind of joke?" I addressed no one in particular, wondering if they even spoke the same language as me. But to my surprise the words I spoke came out in a language I had never ever heard of before, but apparently, I understood it. Shocking discovery, indeed. If I wasn't so confused I'd even start yelling at people, asking if I've been kidnapped. But if I really had been kidnapped, I wouldn't be lying freely on a grand double bed with a duvet which was soft-as-hell and looked extremely expensive. Oh Lawd, I was even wearing a silk gown. Warcrime.
    altalt
    How The Princess Rewrote Her Tragic Ending
    Fantasy · Suoshi
    detail
  • US_DreamerDon
    US_DreamerDon2yr
    Posted

    Alright. I like the hook- It says something bad has happened. However, I find that the first chapter is just a preview. And honestly, I don't like previews/prologues. In my mind, they are mainly for exposition dumps. The grammar is easy to follow and I do like her coming to terms with being isekai'd. This could use a bit more descriptions from the MC's point of view. You could tell us what details catches her eye. This could help define her character as well.

    altalt
    How The Princess Rewrote Her Tragic Ending
    Fantasy · Suoshi
    detail
  • US_DreamerDon
    US_DreamerDon2yr
    Commented

    How does she know that she's speaking a different language?

    "Is this some kind of joke?" I addressed no one in particular, wondering if they even spoke the same language as me. But to my surprise the words I spoke came out in a language I had never ever heard of before, but apparently, I understood it. Shocking discovery, indeed. If I wasn't so confused I'd even start yelling at people, asking if I've been kidnapped. But if I really had been kidnapped, I wouldn't be lying freely on a grand double bed with a duvet which was soft-as-hell and looked extremely expensive. Oh Lawd, I was even wearing a silk gown. Warcrime.
    altalt
    How The Princess Rewrote Her Tragic Ending
    Fantasy · Suoshi
    detail
  • US_DreamerDon
    US_DreamerDon2yr
    Posted

    My main complaint is that the story jumps around too much and it becomes impossible to follow. For example, the first chapter ends with the girl who hijacked a ride meets people. Then the second chapter straight transitions with the MC fighting these people. There's no lead up of the MC approaching them. So after reading two chapters, I'm gonna walk away from this one.

    altalt
    Pick Your Campus Queen
    · iciyuan
    detail
  • US_DreamerDon
    US_DreamerDon2yr
    Posted

    I'm glad someone knows to paint a picture starting with the first chapter. I definitely like the "You said we were going to a nightclub- not this nightclub!" exchange. I find this story believable and enjoyable. Highly recommended.

    altalt
    The Devils Crown
    Fantasy · Sebastian_mechalis
    detail
  • US_DreamerDon
    US_DreamerDon2yr
    Posted

    Okay, I've only read the first chapter. It didn't catch my interest and I wasn't entertained by the nephew just bursting into his uncle's office. Also, there wasn't much detail to visualize the scene at all. The grammar was easy to follow along though.

    altalt
    GHOST DETECTIVE: Li Xiajun
    Fantasy · Suoshi
    detail
  • US_DreamerDon
    US_DreamerDon2yr
    Replied to Maryam_Zahoor

    "Yeah! You're right! AND soil men LIVE underground!"

    This chapter has been deleted.
    altalt
    The game of revenge
    Sci-fi · Maryam_Zahoor
    detail
  • US_DreamerDon
    US_DreamerDon2yr
    Replied to Maryam_Zahoor

    You have an ending ", but no starting. Thus, nobody's actually talking.

    This chapter has been deleted.
    altalt
    The game of revenge
    Sci-fi · Maryam_Zahoor
    detail
  • US_DreamerDon
    US_DreamerDon2yr
    Commented

    Not the best opening. Try phrasing it as a question: "Well, what do you know? Rock is a soil man! Hahaha!"

    This chapter has been deleted.
    altalt
    The game of revenge
    Sci-fi · Maryam_Zahoor
    detail