Ahsodeska29
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Ahsodeska292dCommentedChange "hung" to "hang". Mind your grammar as it disrupts the time element of your flow. This small change makes your statement have more impact. So you know that your character means what she says.
This paragraph has been deleted.- Ahsodeska294dCommented
Change "am" to "have". This makes the affirmation statement come out with more pride and happiness.
This paragraph has been deleted. - Ahsodeska297dCommented
Change "though" (to think of something or someone in the past) to "taught" (to teach one something in the past). Your thought comes out better.
"My mother always does random jobs while we moved around because she was looking for my father but when they later met, my father acted like he doesn't know her since she is a mute and he also doesn't want Ah Dai, then we moved around and came to the capital, my mother started working at an Inn but the pay wasn't much and they didn't allow us to sleep inside then General Si Yunsheng found me and my mother in front of his home when his guards were about to drive us away but he stopped them and took us in, fed us and asked us to stay." Ah Dai started talking, he placed his hand on Si Ning's shoulder. "I remembered it was the first time I will meet someone kind that I cried along with my mother, he gave us clothes and a home to stay then I met you, you laughed at me because I couldn't read and write and that was when you thought me how to read and write and I promised to always serve you." He stopped when he looked down at Si Ning to check if he was asleep or not. - Ahsodeska297dCommented
Change "do" to "does". It flows better. Be mindful of your grammar as mistakes dirupt the enjoyment of your story,
"Isn't that what you told me General Si Ning that you are finally free and doesn't want anything to do with his Majesty anymore when I had A-Yuan." She continued without waiting for a reply. "Do General Si Ning not stand by his words?" - Ahsodeska297dCommented
Change "clench" (to make a fist) to "cling". (To hold on tighly). This makes your idea and story flow better. Nice story though...
"Or do you still clench to him because you still love him?" She started, taking another sip of her tea. "Still perhaps hoping to grasp his majesty heart." - Ahsodeska297dCommented
Change "do" to "does" as mother is a singular third person term.
"And do Mother plan to return to Xilie?" Si Ning avoided replying to her question. He knew his mother would think he agreed with Ge Liang's greediness yet he doesn't want to agree nor deny Ge Liang's logic. - Ahsodeska298dCommented
Change "heresy" ( to say treacherous things against a divine authority) to "hearsay" (rumour or gossip). This correction makes your meaning clear to your reader.
" I am afraid that this cannot be done, Madam Lian," Mo Yan addressed Madam Lian with an upset voice as she continued speaking, " Qi Qi is my daughter and I do find her point valid as well. She does not need to attack your husband, in fact, there is no need for her to do so, more importantly—— you also have no evidence that would prove that Qi Qi truly assaulted your husband. It's only heresy." - Ahsodeska298dCommented
Change thr phrase"...take her anger out with ease..." to "...vent her anger easily..."
Thanks to that Mo Qiang was able to take her anger out with ease. - Ahsodeska298dCommented
"Trustable" is not an english word. Change that word to "trusted". It completes the thought of the paragraph.
Similarly, Madam Lian had portrayed herself as a trustable friend for a long time. In fact, she was simply wearing this mask for so long that she could not even take it off herself wasn't this the reason that she did not hurt her? Unconsciously, she knew that she could not hurt Mo Qiang because if she was to hurt Mo Qiang then Mo Yan will surely get doubtful of her which was why she held herself back. - Ahsodeska298dCommented
Change"...the trustable friend..." to a friend you can trust...". "Trustable" is not an english word.
As for whether Madam Lian would retaliate or not, this was not something that Mo Qiang was worried about, since this woman was the one who portrayed herself as someone who was willing to give up her life for Mo Yan —— the trustable friend. Though it was easy to slip into a role it was hard to get out of it, let's say that there was a pitiful girl who always cried, thus even when she was being showered with love and affection, others would expect her to cry even then instead of smiling because she always cried, if one was to suddenly change and act differently then it will rouse suspicions. - Ahsodeska298dCommented
Change "...was not trustable..." to "...can't be trusted....". Tustable is not an english word.
Mo Qiang turned to look at Madam Lian, she already knew that this woman was not trustable but seeing how Mo Xifeng treated her so vigilantly—— Mo Qiang was not stupid enough to not understand that this woman did not just betray Mo Yan once but she was doing the same even now. - Ahsodeska2912dCommented
This should read, "May I have...a kiss?" as this is the courteous & polite way. This will justify the comment that follows in the next paragraph. Please note that the use of the phrase, "Can I...?", implies a familiarity and equality that these two characters do not have right now.
"Can I- I get a kiss, please?" - Ahsodeska291mthCommented
It should read: "Sara's days are numbered." The use of the word "outnumbered" refers to many individuals. For example, "Scar, the tyrant ran away when he saw that Simba's army outnumbered his hyena minions."
This paragraph has been deleted. - Ahsodeska291mthCommented
The first sentence should end as"whose writing Gayla is familar with, no?". The added comma (,) emphasizes the need for confirmation of the statement. If there is no comma, there must be a condition that must be connect to the phrase "with no..." which will confirm the statement as Gayla noticed a specific detail or condition missing from the letter or penmanship.
"You suspected someone whose handwriting Galya is familiar with no? Besides, no one has seen me hold a pen or even write anything for twenty-five years. - Ahsodeska291mthCommented
It should read "Know your place, Aurora!" So that the intent of the Alpha is clear to the reader.
"No your place Aurora!" He warned at her. - Ahsodeska291mthCommented
"...her position..." not "...his position..."
This paragraph has been deleted. - Ahsodeska291mthCommented
Please use "her" instead of his as Kendall isa gril not a boy
This paragraph has been deleted. - Ahsodeska291mthCommented
Change that to "her bags on her back" because Kendall is a girl!
This paragraph has been deleted. - Ahsodeska291mthCommented
Again Kendall did the killing so it should end with "herself" (female) not "himself" (male).
This paragraph has been deleted. - Ahsodeska291mthCommented
Calculating not calculative
Yu Dong had no choice, her grandma was a frivolous character, she was shrewd and calculative when her grandma was in her thirties her grandfather made the mistake of cheating on her. Her grandmother was a self woman who could be considered a novice in the business world while her grandfather had a great backing and with two kids in her lap, she should have suffered this injustice silently .. well that was what was expected of her grandma but instead of swallowing this bitter pill silently her grandmother rose to her feet, and let out a roar against the injustice.