31 A Lesson in Control

Eren's pov:

"Come on Ymir! There has to be a way."

After everyone had looted the small town, I had went searching for Ymir to ask some questions. I have a plan, but Ymir would need to help. And she was refusing to even think about it, saying it was too dangerous.

"No! I have NEVER been able to control that side, so you definitely won't be able to."

"Then, make the others wait at the houses and you can meet me to snap me out of it."

She seems to mull over what I said before she shakes her head grimly.

"You won't be able to snap out of it by yourself and you won't be thinking about looting. You'll be lost in the horde and I won't be able to reach you."

What she said made sense, but I couldn't lose hope. We needed the loot in Shiganshina and then we'd be free—free at last. The others had put their faith in my plan and I wasn't going to bow out, because of minor inconveniences.

"I'm going with or without your help. I will do it." I say, emphasizing my confidence that I won't fail.

I've been through hell and back, so this should be a joy ride in comparison. Ymir takes in my determined gaze and the stubborn tilt of my chin. Even Ymir knew how headstrong I was, so it would be better to just not argue.

With a sigh, she says the words I was waiting to hear, "Fine... But you're going to have to find a way to explain this suicide mission."

I already had a plan for that, as well. So I grabbed Ymir and dragged her to where the others were gathered, eating a lunch of Ritz and that nasty spray cheese. Levi was smiling at me as we approached, making my heart pound loudly in my head.

"Okay, Ymir confirmed that my plan is possible." I say by way of greeting.

Ymir jerks from my grip and stands next to Historia with her head on the blonde's shoulder. They are a cute couple, aren't they? I ship it..

"So what is the plan?"

I look at Erwin's curious expression and start, "So everyone, except Ymir and I, will go into those houses on the cleared road. Ymir will be my lookout while I go to and from the district with supplies. Is that alright?"

"That's all fine and dandy, except you haven't told us how you are going to get into the district. How do you plan to bypass the horde?"

Levi's face is hard, immovable steel like his glaring eyes. He isn't letting me put myself in danger again, unless I have a good explanation. Truth or Lie? Half truth..

"Camouflage." Levi raises a thin black brow. "Camouflage? How so?"

"I found a way to blend in with them. So can we get going before it gets too dark?" I say quickly, eyes silently begging Levi to drop it and shut his mouth.

He nods, but sends me a look that says 'this isn't over'. I look to Erwin and he shrugs saying, "I don't have a better plan and I trust you."

Erwin's agreement loosens the shoulders of the others, but I feel two pairs of assessing eyes still on me—Armin and Levi. I knew that those two wouldn't be easily quieted and would want answers after. But, that will have to wait until I actually manage to succeed.

We all agreed that after I got the supplies we'd camp in the houses for the night. You might think, 'Well, I don't know. That seems dangerous', but we don't have much of a choice. It's more dangerous to travel at night than to lie low in a few houses.

"So are you going to tell me the truth?" Levi asks lowly.

Currently, we were walking towards Shiganshina. If Hange's calculations were correct, we should be only a few hours away and then we'll just have to get to the hill overlooking the cleared street. But getting there wasn't even the hard part...

For this to go our way, I'd have to not only access my zombie side but also control it. I don't even know how to do that. The few times it's happened, I didn't have any control and it happened spontaneously. Hunger was the common trigger, though, so maybe I could use that to my advantage.

"Eren?" Levi is staring at me with a mix of concern and irritation.

I open my mouth but he interrupts me, "And none of that camouflage bullshit."

"It isn't bullshit, though. I can camouflage, but I need Ymir to help if something goes wrong." He listens with disbelief clearly written on his face, knowing I was leaving something out.

"Does this have to do with your 'attacks'? The experiments?"

A shiver goes down my spine at the reminder of what Grisha had done. I didn't even know what he'd done, but he'd obviously taken his mad scientist side-job seriously.

"Do you trust me?"

I wasn't expecting a response, I just wanted to change the subject. Though he said he loved me, we still haven't talked about his sister or us—what we are. So it was surprising to see him nod with no hesitation or doubt in his eyes.

He's said that before, though... It was easy to overlook that sometimes. Every small smile and caring gesture made it harder to hold on to myself and not get swept up in him. He was like the ocean—beautiful and sometimes calm, but he was also raging waves and typhoons, leaving a path of destruction in his wake.

I don't know if I was or ever would be ready to enter his waters again. Fear and hurt festered from an old wound he wrought on me. First words of doubt spoken and he didn't even let me explain. Even if he wasn't lying and actually did trust me, I didn't trust him... At least, not with my damaged heart.

I wanted to say the kiss and our exchange of heartfelt words was just in the heat of the moment, but it wasn't. We both meant what we said and the kiss we shared held so many more unspoken words, apologies.

"Okay, we're here! Levisquad gets one house and the rest take the house next to ours. Ymir, Eren do what you have to do." Erwin orders, voice strong and confident—the true Commander of the Levisquad.

Levi looks like he wants to say something, but he decides against it and follows after Erwin and the other members of the Levisquad. I turn in time to see my brunette partner-in-crime locking lips with Historia. I knew they were close, but they're official?! Ahh!

Ymir notices eyes on her and moves away from Historia to glare at me. My excited grin only seemed to aggravate her more, because she muttered something to her blonde lover and started walking towards me. Her face remained impassive, but I think I saw her eye twitch.

Fuck! I make to turn and run, but get stopped by a hand on the collar of my shirt.

"Don't tell anyone and we're fine. Got it?!"

I nod frantically and she lets me go, making me stumble and almost face plant into the asphalt. We walk deeper into the city, stopping when the market is in view.

"Are you ready?" Ymir asks quietly.

"I can do this. We can do this."

She doesn't seem convinced, but also doesn't correct me. Shutting my eyes, I focus on the distant hunger in my stomach—a hunger that is infinite but lying dormant at the moment. I have fed twice within two days, so my hunger wasn't a gnawing pain anymore.

A familiar chill starts to crawl up my body, along with the black veins I can feel under my shirt. It's like a shroud has been laid over my mind, making me feel heavier. My mind was still my own even as I opened my eyes to blurry and dull surroundings.

"Eren?"

It sounded like I was underwater, but I could still make out what she said. My zombie counterpart was here, watching but not interfering. In this form, my hunger was starting to return, but it's bearable. I just have to hurry before I lose control.

"Be back." I growl out.

The marketplace was crowded with the undead, but I managed to push through them. The zombies sniffed at me as I walked by, probably confused that one of them was acting out. But since they couldn't figure it out, they left me be and I was able to get inside a Target.

I grabbed a few duffels and some food before leaving in search of a Walmart or hunting store. We had plenty of food, but food won't kill zombies. I mean, I guess you could chuck cans at zombies... Not my weapon of choice, though.

The longer I walked, the harder it was to stay conscious of my surroundings. It started feeling more mechanical, like a robot just following a program. A growl rumbled my stomach and I groaned lowly, sounding more like a zombie than I wanted to admit.

Hungry, need to eat. I felt the weight of the duffels over my shoulders distantly, but I no longer remembered their purpose. What was I doing? Who am I? No! Shaking my head, I push past the zombie's thoughts and keep walking through the market district.

I couldn't remember where the Walmart was, but the police station was only a short walk from the market district. And there it was. It was just a tan brick building with two large, tinted windows in the front and an alley that led to a back entrance. There were too many zombies blocking the front, so the alley it was.

Pushing past the pale figures in different stages of decay, I climb the metal fence to get to the back. Since you need a key to open the gate, the officers usually leave the back door open. Hopefully, they'd left it open...

A sigh of relief left my shivering form when the door opened with a soft click. The smell of rot hit me like a truck and then I spotted the source. Two zombies were lying on the ground in pieces, blood and guts spilling across the floor like some twisted attempt at art.

But those aren't officers... Those were two civilians and, upon closer—albeit disgusting—inspection, I noticed that there was no infection spot. I checked every body part for a bite or scratch, but they seemed to have died from gunshot wounds.

A shotgun gets cocked behind me and the cold metal digs into my back. Bite bite bite. Me and my zombie side might not agree about much, but in this case we agree. Another person walks from around the corner and skids to a stop when he takes in my zombified state.

"How'd a zombie get in?" The stranger in front asks in confusion.

"What are you talkin' bout? Ain't no zombie! It walked right—" the other male stops talking when he also walks around to face me.

"Why isn't he attacking?"

The guy with the shotgun—a burly hick with greasy, black hair styled in a mullet and yellow teeth—sneered at me. My throat felt like sand paper when I cleared it and spoke.

"Sorry, didn't know anyone was here." I cough at the scratchiness in my throat and the foreignness of speech.

The shotgun man shares a look with the other man. The other man was about the same height as his friend, but was slimmer and had less muscle. His dirty blonde hair was cut short and looked cleaner than the other's oily, black strings of hair.

The dirty blonde is the one who braves a step toward me and asks, "How can you speak? Are you... Are you alive?"

I nod, so I don't have to repeat that coughing fit for only a few words. Danger. What danger? Here I am having a conversation with the voice in my head, which also happens to be a zombie. Nothing out of the ordinary here, folks.

"Well it don't matter anyway!" Mr. Mullet says, pointing his shotgun at me and firing.

I drop before the full spray hits me, but a few strays still managed to peg me in the side. Of course, it had to be the same side I was stabbed both times. It's like a fucking damage magnet.

The men curse and, before either can fire again, I have both knives out. They careen towards the distracted men and hit their targets—one embedding in the head of the shotgun hick and the other one making a home in the dirty blonde's gut.

"W-what are you?" The dirty blonde asks, blood spilling from between his lips.

I wasn't the first person to be attacked by these men, so I felt no sympathy. They probably killed and turned those two people to camouflage and sneak into here. Maybe the smell is enough to trick the zombies...

Feed! Hungry! There is no time! That shot probably drew the attention of every zombie within a few miles of here. I pull each knife from the dead men and wipe them before pocketing them and heading to the back.

There were guns of all kinds and ammo to match, all locked in a black cage. A keyhole stares back at mockingly, but I pay it no mind. Those two idiots didn't have the key or the mullet man would have a better gun than that old, shitty shotgun. Am I salty, yes...

Luckily, I carry bobby-pins and know how to use them. The lock gives with a satisfying click and then I'm shoving every gun and box of ammo into the duffels I brought. We can sort it later, but for now—

A loud crash and groaning sounds from the front of the station. Peaking through the door, I see a herd of zombies breaking through the glass windows and heading towards the dead men. I feel something warm seeping into my shirt and look down to see ruby.

Shit! Hungry. My stomach growls angrily while I hoist the heavy duffels over my shoulders. The front is blocked, so I'm going to have to jump the fence again, this time with an injury. Luckily, the zombies pay no attention to me, so I must still look zombified.

After shutting the door behind me quietly, I managed to lift and push the bags over the gate. Then, I climb and jump to the other side, pain bursting through my side at the collision. I'll wait until I get back to do damage control.

I throw the duffels back over my shoulder and start making it through the horde. Each step is harder, heavier. My brain is foggy with pain and hunger, making my eyes water and blur my surroundings. Right now, I can't tell whether I'm in control or the zombie is.

My stumbling steps push through the thinning crowd until I'm standing in an empty street. Where am I? I'm here for a reason. What was it?

"Er—Oh God, Eren?! Are you okay?" A voice echoes, bouncing off the tunnel that my vision and ears are stuck in.

I trip and fall to the asphalt, but I barely feel the collision. One of the bags lies next to me while the other cushions my whirling head. This is like experiencing my worst trip all over again. Never trust shady drug dealers, kiddos.

"Eren, hey. You there?"

An insistent voice breaks through and makes me blink away some of the blurriness. The gunshot wound... My arm is like lead when I lift it and pull my shirt up. It seems I might have misjudged his aim and dodged into most of his bullets.

This is what I get for expecting people to be accurate! The pale skin of my stomach is covered in those creepy black veins and then there's my side. It's a mess of holes and shredded skin from where the bullets went right through.

I couldn't feel any bullets still inside, so they must've went straight through. A hand pulls mine away from the wound and I look up at two worried faces.

"Two Ymirs." I mumble, confused.

More blurriness disappears and I see that it isn't two Ymirs. Yeah, I know, bummer! Levi and Ymir are arguing inaudibly above me, but their lips are moving too fast to read.

Ymir shoves her wrist towards me. "Eat. Now." But I push her wrist away with a shake of my head. "You don't think I saw how pale you were and how slow you healed this morning?"

Levi is staring between us with confusion, but sits quietly and lets us hash it out.

"I don't care. You're hurt, so you need it."

"I'll be fine... Just t-nap..." I mumble.

My blinks become more spread out as I speak, until my eyes just stay shut. I feel heavy and tired, like I could hibernate for the winter I'm so tired. A hard slap makes me jerk up and hiss at the pain the action sends to my side.

Levi is staring at me with quicksilver eyes that swirl with determination. "Let me help. If Ymir can't, I can."

Ymir is looking at Levi with wide eyes and her mouth agape and, if I was in any condition to laugh, I would've.

"I don't think you understand what you're offering."

"That for me to decide, Ymir. I love Eren and if you think I'm just going to let him die, then you're in for a surprise." Levi doesn't wait any longer and slices a knife across his wrist.

The cut is shallow, but I watch, hypnotized, as the dark red blood starts to bead at the corners of his wrist. I want to clear the space between us and alleviate this inhuman hunger inside me, but this is Levi. Just this morning I hadn't trusted him and yet, he was willing to be hurt to help me.

"I-I can't—"

When I speak, he takes the opening and shoves his wounded wrist against my mouth. A shiver goes through me at the smoky taste that explodes on my tongue. I don't know what people eat at a barbecue, but that is the closest thing I could compare this to.

It was thick and rich, like seasoned meat with a hint of something sweet. A whimper leaves me and I grab his arm, pulling him closer to me. I can feel the chill intensify and the black marks crawl up to rest right under my eyes—a sure sign my control is slipping.

My pale eyes meet his tear-filled ones and I struggle against the monster that's slowly been taking control. Levi, my Levi, was in pain and I was the cause. Hungry, still so hungry. Fucking stop! Someone help me...