ME AND THE DARK SHADOW
Indonesia, Yogyakarta, December 17, 2016
"Once I was seven years old, my mama told me"
"Go make yourself some friends or you'll be lonely"
While listening to my favorite song while pensively thinking of the dark shadow of the future in the corner of the room bench while staring blankly at the table graffiti that said "You Deserve to be Happy". Struggling into the perspective of the labile mind that still envelopes me.
My name is Zhenda Safana, this morning I was 18 years old, already a teenager. Being a teenager is so exciting that we can express everything we want. Being a teenager is both a dream and an achievement for most teenagers I know. Ahhh, I couldn't believe the words that a bunch of motivators uttered when his scribbles slipped on my social media homepage that I accidentally read. In fact, I am a child born into a broken home family, although my financial needs are very sufficient for 7 derivatives, in fact not only trapped in a family that is not intact said Kakung I am also a child born outside the legal bond of marriage.
Kringggggggg kringggggggg kringgg....
Ringing the phone of the house woke up my daydream,
"Hello, good morning. Is it right with Zhenda that I speak?", in my heart whispering this was the same voice as the phone I had reached earlier. It's so brazen that this woman's voice terrorizes me.
"Hello, good morning. It's right with myself. What interests are and who do I talk to?" with a slight nervous feeling I began to ask.
"....."
There was no answer afterwards, then I asked her back in a calm tone.
"Hello, I'm sorry who am I talking to?"
Only the groaning sound I heard from across the phone. A woman's voice, I thought she was a con man who wanted to ask for donations. Then I decided to close the phone quickly.
I don't think much about it, because it's been common these days. There was a number that terrorized the phone of the house, when I lifted the phone handle was not clear the purpose and purpose. However, the woman's voice was always the same, for a moment I thought whether it was a credit man or a fraudster asking for a pulse?
This morning the air seemed empty, I didn't see butterflies that always stopped outside the window of the room that was slitting flowers in front of my dark room. But this morning the atmosphere of the room was still the same, dark, quiet.
Tokk tokkk tokkkkk
The sound of knocking on the door of the room surprised me, I rushed to open it. It must be Kakung who is looking for this kitten.
"Glekkk, why Kung, this kakung always makes my heartbeat irregular. Knocking on the door don't be too hard kung, Zhenda is shocked to know!" I put a sour face towards him, a little fierce
I said "Kakung what to go to my room..."
"You always make Kakung feel guilty right to the door of your room. Heeee you're a girl, wake up now go to the market!"
It's always my routine every morning to go to the market, just buy groceries to cook every day. Honestly, I really don't like the crowds in the market, somehow I can't freely interact with a lot of people I don't know.
"Alright Kakung, I washed my face first, Kung" as I walked to the bathroom I shouted at him like that, such a thing I used to do to him.
Shaking his head Kakung replied,
Iyo ndoro wedhok seng most uayu (yes the most beautiful Princess), ah I already guess how she replied to my sentence.
After 5 minutes of washing my face, brushing my teeth, and urinating I rushed out of the room, walking towards the small trunk at the back of the house to rush to take out Kakung's old butut bike. After passing through the hallways of the living room I did not see Kakung as usual who sat in his rocking chair while reading the Newspaper and tuning his favorite radio. I thought maybe he was in the room or in the backyard bathing the birds.
Arriving in the trunk I took out Kakung's bike, then rushed to the market near the house.
Huh, it's good not to get hit by mom where you're old, I said in my heart while muttering a little annoyed. Because I'm in a bit of a hurry to say sorry while continuing to ride this old bike.
"Ngapunten bu, kulo mboten sengojo" which means sorry mom, I didn't intentionally. Then, arriving at the market, I stopped the speed of my bicycle placed in a tree near a small stream on a road. After I finished shopping I rushed home, there was no more incident.
"Kakungg, I go home, this is Kakung's favorite herbal medicine also do not forget to buy it. Kakung" while continuing to shout I put the bike where it should be. There is no answer from Kakung, yes maybe because Kakung's hearing is no longer good. Then, I walked into the house through the back door, I put a grocery cart in the kitchen. Then I scarded Kakung into the living room, it didn't exist. It's time I knocked on kakung's bedroom door hoping Kakung was in there.
Tok tok , sreggggggggggggggg
Can't wait to knock on his bedroom door, just push the door of his old room. I see kakung was lying weak.
"It hurts, Kung? I brought Kakung's favorite herbal medicine still in the kitchen I haven't brought Kung.." my eyes were a little hot holding water, while sitting on Kakung's soft mattress. It hurts, my mind is no longer in my mind. As soon as negative thoughts crossed my mind, was it possible that soon my hope would also leave me?
My daydream was immediately snuffed out by him.
"No nduk, Kakung just a little gout so Kakung sleeps first for a while. Nduk kakung wants to say something, if you have to keep the spirit of living your life. Don't like to be gloomy in the room." his dashing voice faded a little, I just nodded.
"You know that your mother left not because you don't love you, you will find your mother when you are ready. Your father too, he loves you, but your father already has a new family, may you be sincere. Later if Kakung leaves you do not get discouraged, you are strong. Kakung has also taken care of your financial affairs, don't worry about it."
I was just silent, it felt so tight that I couldn't accept everything that was going on in my life. For years I was being disbelied by my own fairy. And today I know the truth. A dark shadow again enveloped me.
*****