1 Prologue
When your parents go through the process of naming you, it takes careful thought and consideration. Some parents choose their children's names in honor of a relative or a mentor they had, and some based on a trait they hope their beautiful bundle of joy will possess. Hope, Destiny, or even April, the name of the month in which everything starts to spring up, and come to life.
It's really ironic actually. My parents named me Kelsie which means daring and fearless, but me, I'm just the opposite of that. Ever since I can remember I have been afraid of people. Talking to people, getting judged, and doing anything in front of anyone. But, regardless, somehow I have managed to make friends.
Although, sometimes I feel like they are just my friends because they feel bad for me. I guess there was a point in my life where I was comfortable playing games and sports and just talking to people because otherwise, these girls probably wouldn't have started being my friends in the first place. Ever since I can remember I have felt like an outcast. I was always so anxious and shy in school and no one else seemed to feel this way. There was one time in seventh grade when I went to see the school psychologist but I just couldn't tell her anything because I couldn't get the words out. Actually, I was so scared to talk to her that every time the phone rang in class I got nervous that it was for me and my heart started beating really fast and I started sweating.
You might be wondering how I even got away with this all these years, and truthfully, I don't know. I somehow got out of presentations and reading in class and when teachers would call on me I just went mute. I even got out of gym class because my teacher just did not care, and for that, I was so grateful. Of course, these things made school more manageable but they did not take away the anxiety completely, because anxiety is more than that. Social anxiety is more than being afraid to talk to people or present things. It's being afraid to throw something away in class, to walk by yourself, to make any mistakes. And it's not just the actions, but the thoughts. The anxiety attacks. It's the whole package.
If you have ever wondered how anxiety feels, well it feels like you are separated from the rest of the world. It's sweating and having trouble breathing. It makes you feel like you are the only one in the world that feels that way. It makes you feel like everyone hates you. It makes you overthink everything. It's wanting to talk but not being able to because you are afraid of looking stupid, and then looking stupid for not talking. It's not helping people because you are afraid of messing up. As long as I have had anxiety, I've pushed it off as me being mean and unwilling to help, because from the outside that is what it looks like. Plus, it's a hell of a lot easier to say you're mean then explain the feelings of anxiety which no one will understand anyway. As you may have guessed, my parents do not know about my anxiety. My mom is a stay at home mom and my other mom does real estate. I have a baby sister who is one, her name is Liana and a sixteen-year-old brother named Jack. It's not that I think my parents don't care, I just feel like they are preoccupied and they probably won't understand anyway. Well, now you know about my background. There are just two things I have left out. First, I am graduating tomorrow which means singing in front of hundreds of people, and second, I am going across the country for highschool.
