1 Regression

'Ah shit, here we go again.'

This was what I thought as I began regressing in my past, once again about to experience the hell that awaited me.

There were an infinite number of clocks around me, really rusty and vintage looking, and they seemed to be shaped in the form of a tube, through which I was passing through at a speed I could never fathom.

This experience, I would've said was new, cool, and whatnot if I was talking to a friend or something, but in actuality, it wasn't anything new to me.

This passage feels similar to that one time I got swallowed by a monster and passed through his bowels like a piece of shit, quite literally, and then got pooped out.

It for sure was traumatizing and no one, I repeat no one could pay me enough to get such a secret out of me. I am only sharing this now because I wanna remind myself:

FUCKER NEVER GO NEAR THAT DAMN FOREST!

What forest was I talking about? Well, there was a cursed forest that I would accidentally stumble upon when I am around thirty-forty something years of age. Weak and pathetic too.

I was adventuring and stumbled upon that place, only to realize how fucked I was when I saw the monsters in there.

Those little shits were a normal guy like me's worst nightmare while a pervert's dream come true.

There were ugly female giants who would use a human as a dildo to pleasure themselves while gluttonous trolls who would swallow anyone passing through their territory as a whole.

There were also fleshy vines— tentacles, plant tentacles, that did tentacle things to people caught by them, then assassin dwarves that flicked people's balls for fun, and the worst of all: little fairies that tickled people's buttholes and disappeared!

Ew-ugh… just remembering it makes my non-existent body shiver. Never once, never once am I gonna go there again! Not even if I was offered the goddamn Heavenly Emperor's daughter!

Okay, no, maybe I was exaggerating a bit. I'd accept getting my bootyhole tickled by those fairies if I was getting the Heavenly Emperor's daughter.

Hey, don't blame me for it. That woman is like the number one beauty in the whole damn universe. Gentle, caring, loving, you name it, she has those traits. Which man wouldn't make some sacrifices for such a cutie?

Game is game, my guys. If you wanna hate, hate the game, not the player.

Anyway, bullshitry aside, as I thought about the Heavenly Emperor's daughter, I felt so nostalgic and melancholic that I forgot the passage of time.

All of this time tunnel didn't amaze me as much as that woman did.

Quite sadly, I'd fumbled a lot many times when I had the opportunity. I was a pathetic, frail, and gullible guy who didn't know the f of flirting. I had eyes but I couldn't see Mt. Tai, or rather, Lanlan.

Her name was Zhao Lan Mei, but being acquainted with her, I called her Lanlan affectionately when I was with her in private.

By knowing this, there's nothing to feel jealous about or even proud of, I wasn't her lover, I was her old trusty servant.

I became old due to the lack of prowess and resources, then I was poisoned by a few people and my dick stopped working. I became an eunuch without castration and the Heavenly Emperor put me in his daughter's care.

When I meant hell awaited me, I meant it. My life was nothing but full of pain and misery. I survived through all the tough times like a cockroach and somewhere, I think the world took pity on me and answered my calls to let me regress like this.

Being the servant of Lanlan gave me free access to the Heaven's Library, and through there, I learnt.

I learnt and learnt and learnt, absorbed as much knowledge as I possibly could and slowly and sneakily amassed resources by scamming Lanlan.

She was the only child of the Heavenly Emperor and he doted on her. He never suspected anything and even if he did, he would just forget about it as he didn't want to scold his baby girl.

He was an asshole, but a good father nonetheless. Lanlan's mother had died due to complications during birth and that guy, Zhao Yufeng, raised the girl alone on his own.

It was admirable that he raised his girl to be such a good person despite the absence of his wife and with such a terrible edgy teenager's attitude.

Even if I were to regress to the time I was born, which I hope isn't the case, I'd still not be able to save Lanlan's mother.

Lanlan was a few months older than me, meaning she was born before, so I can't help her even if I want to and the emperor gotta live through it.

Although I pity him, his pain is nowhere near close to what I suffered through in my thousand year's lifetime.

Whatever a man could suffer through, I have experienced it all.

Just remembering the things pained my heart and I don't ever wanna remember them. However, now that I am regressing, these memories will just flood in.

Memories of my family being ruthlessly killed. Myself getting cucked by the stronger powers and having my wife and kids killed too.

All of this brought so much pain that I would've lost my mind and killed myself, had it not been for me getting my brain damaged during the time my family was getting killed.

The brain damage made me mentally unstable and after years of working hard, I found the cure for it. The memories returned after I was cured and thankfully, I didn't go through them.

What I did was, I smartly sealed my ego to the time I was a teenager, and then went through my memories.

I cried after watching that, but my teenager self was already a big miser so I could handle it and fared off well.

The seal was never taken away even when I turned into a dying old fart in the Heavenly Palace. My personality was the same and even now, the reason I am conversing with myself is because my personality had never grown into a wise old man.

I am conversing only to keep my sanity in this time tunnel. There's so many clocks rewinding themselves that I might die watching them. It's better to talk to myself while closing my eyes than look at these rusty things.

Finally… After who knows how long, there was darkness all around me and a while later, I saw the light.

Yes!

The regression was successful!

I happily cheered, but what followed was a baby's wail, that made me confused.

I tried to look around, but I couldn't. In my vision, I was looking at a blurry ceiling of some place.

In the next instant, I felt a sharp sting in my body.

'SUNOVABITCH!'

Was what I thought I yelled out, but all that was heard was,

"WAAAAAAA!"

It was then that I heard a woman's voice saying, "it's a healthy boy, my lady."

"Hand him to me." A familiar woman's voice was heard by me.

A second later, I felt the view in my vision change and then I saw a blurry face of someone.

That someone seemed to be smiling and said in a gentle voice, "my baby…"

It was at this moment that I realized…

My worst nightmare had come true!

I was regressed as a goddamn baby!

FUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK!