Chapter 5: Insecurities

Abusive content ahead. Read only if you're comfortable!

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(Alex's POV)

I was really happy when she had agreed to my proposal after everything that happened between us. Before she disappeared from my life like that and avoided any kind of connections with me, I never realized how much she meant to me and how much I had hurt her with my reckless actions.

I know that I shouldn't behave like a all obsessive and possessive guy over her when my actions used to hurt her so much... But I couldn't stop myself at that time.

I was living in my own pleasure world and was becoming a j*rk in her life. Yet, she coped up with me in all aspects. But I guess, with her unconditional supports, I forgot she was a human with emotions too.

And now I'm strangely sorry for her. I always feel like to go to my past and beat the hell up my past-self! Why I used to do that to her when I meant world to her?

Still, it was a surprise that she forgave me so easily.... Was her love for ke that deep?

But soon I started to realize, her love for me was wavering off. She had started to get bored of me. She wouldn't contact me like she used to when she's having a leisure. She would come back home sometimes quite late. She had long stopped cooking for me after that incident.

And worst, our intimate time had also reduced to twice or once a week or two.

She will always find a excuse to avoid being with me as much as possible.

But it never crossed my mind that she could cheat on me. Ever! Yet she did and worst, she didn't plan to hide it when she was caught.

That night when she came back, her body was covered with a man's cologne. And as an experienced j*rk I knew in an instant what that meant.

My possessive side kicked in as I had jokingly asked her, "Rain, why do I seem like you're getting bored off me and finding someone else for yourself?"

"Oh! So you realized now. Then, let's break up, Dear Brother who finds me a burden!"

I swear it was a joke from my side. But her answer left me extremely speechless and heartbroken. She had never forgiven me in reality... It was all a momentarily forgetting my deeds while making love... heh! Was that even making love? Or just personal release for her!

From that night, I started to have difficulties in sleeping and Rain also started to show off as less as possible in our house. Only I know how much I'm suffering now for my past deeds with these endless nightmares.

Each time I'm closing my eyes, I'm seeing Rain pushing me aside and leaving with another man's hands against her waist, while her arms tightly clutching his waist and lovingly looking at him.

I hated it... I hated this feeling!

This feeling of loss!

This feeling of suffocation!

This feeling of betrayal!

And this feeling of broken love!

For a moment, I had even thought to cage her in the house and keep her to myself. Break all the outside contacts of hers and make her look only at me like she used.... With love and desire.

But I guess, that was the end of everything.

When I tried to lock her up, she somehow escaped. She escaped me. And never returned home. She left me all alone in this house, in this world.

I regret it. Each passing second I regret it. I kept on wishing that I had given her respect and love that she deserved from the day we got into a relationship.

But see... What I did?

I messed up... really badly!

I have stopped going to my work!

Stopped contacting the outside world!

Drowning myself in alcohol all days and nights!

And I also became a s*x addict.

Till now, even after everything I'm pleasuring myself thinking it's her who's giving me a bl*wjob like she used to.

I want her so badly. I want to hug her, kiss her, tell her I love her and only her.... And most importantly, join our bodies together again.

But how could I?

She doesn't return to home!

She doesn't let me contact her even though she hasn't blocked me yet! The phone kept on ringing until the machine's cold voice remarks the end of the call.

Oh Rain! Please come back to me!

I promise to be a good life partner for you.

I love you so much, Rain.

Please come back my life.

I don't even remember how many times I've hurt myself with the shredded glass pieces of the wine bottles. But I never got the courage to hurt myself dangeously. Till, at the end of my hopeless mind, there's a hope. A hope she'll return to me soon. So, even though I hurt myself constantly to make me believe I'm still alive without her, I tend my wounds so that if she returns she doesn't see a pathetic me.

But when will she return?

I don't like this takeout foods anymore!

I don't like to live alone anymore!

I wish to bring pr*stitutes once to release myself thinking about her soft body that I'm f*cking at the moment. But I was scared. Scared that once I do that and she again comes at that moment, she would again misunderstand me. And like hell I want that.

But I'm running off my savings now that I had planned to use in our wedding.

Hah! I'm such a j*rk!

But so what?

What's done is done! It took me a whole week to come out of my weak self.

Standing in front of the mirror, even I was shocked myself. In reflection, I saw a guy with long messy hair, dirty face with tear stains, eyes with dark circles, mustaches and beards. And combined with dirty dress from God knows since when I was wearing it, I looked so terrible.

My insecurities again kicked in.

What if Rain comes now and sees me like this? She won't recognize me! And worst, if she recognized me by any chance, she would be disgusted.

With that thought, I cleaned myself up.

After coming out of the bathroom, my eyes roamed around my room. Heck! It's so dirty filled with takeout packages and shattered wine glass bottles everywhere.

Rain is a clean freak! If she comes and sees this... with a shudder I started to clean my room... The house wasn't any better, so after my room, it was the house's turn.

It took me a long while to clean the house.

After sorting out everything, my tired b*tt finally hit the sofa.

Gosh! It was so d*mn tiring!

Now I have to think about a way to get a job! Because of my indifference and absence in work, I was long kicked out of my previous workplace.

Worst, my boss had 'specially' sent that notice to my address after not going to work for 7 months. My so-called colleagues and friends had also stopped supporting me after a month of not contacting them.

But who cares now! Not me anymore!

In this past 11 months, I realized one thing. I need to be strong. I need to be strong so that I can find my Rain and bring her back to me. If I have to force her then force it it. And If I need to beg her, then begging it is. But at all costs I want her by my side again.

But I think God had something else planned for me!

The moment I opened the door to go out to find a new work, I came face to face with a woman who couldn't be anymore familiar.

Looking at her surprise reaction, I was so d*mn sure that she was hesitating to come in and at last planned to leave without seeing me.

I immediately went forward to grab her hand and pulled her in my arms swiftly.

"Rain, I missed you so much," I whispered in her neck.

She started to struggle at first and then gave up, as she hugged me back as tightly as I was hugging her.

Small sobs... then to large ones. Soon, both of us started to cry in each others arms, feeling each other's warmth.

I had often heard that if someone misses his/ her loved one, they often have hallucinations regarding that person. But in my case, I never had those hallucination. I never saw her in front of me even when I was drunk.

And it was terrible yet a relieved feeling. Finally, finally she's back to me. Back to my arms.

Hugging her to my body, I could feel that she had lost a lot of weight. I bet she was also having difficulty to go on without me. And even though, I should be considerate of her health at the moment, I was glad instead. Because her weight loss only meant, she still loved me and missed me.

Thank God, I was quick and had cleaned up the house and most importantly, myself. Or she may have really left for good this time.

And then it happened... I don't know how it happened... but it happened.

Soon, she's laying under me on my bed as her lips were passionately claimed by me and her eyes by my eyes. Her hands were tightly holding my face as my held hers.

Gosh! Seeing her like, I was sure that both of us needed it. That intimate time to calm down and feel each other's presence.