Chapter 6 (Flashback 2)
"Y-yah Jeon Jungkook, that sounds like you're going to propose to her" i said feeling troubled that i don't know what i should feel or react.
Why do i feel that this is the end?
Why do i feel this uneasiness ??
And i didn't know what to do with the feelings i have right now. It's making me anxious out of nowhere
I suddenly feel afraid that Jungkook might really stole away from me for real.
The weather is so fine but why do i feel so chill?
And i know this time, i couldn't hide what i feel right now. I am aware that it's all written in my face now and Jungkook saw it because he's bunny smile is gone and worried is written all over his face.
"You okay Tae?" He asked so worried and hold my arm
I didn't bother to answer his question instead i ask him again.
My mind and my heart keeps telling me that this is the end. And im so confused if i should confess to him or not.
"Jungkook?" I ask to catch his attention again because Jungkook didn't say anything.
"Hmm well ... It's not that im going to propose to her but isn't just normal to see my future with the girl im currently dating" Jungkook said so shy and scratching the back of his head.
I don't know why but that gives me a little peace of mind and heart. But it still hurt.
So that's what he meant.
"Y-yeah that's only normal" i said and fake a smile.
I stayed silent and give some thought about what Jungkook said.
Yes, Jungkook's right. That is normal. And that only proves how he love Yun-hee and how serious he is in their relationship.
Im just his best friend, and i should be the number one who'll support him.
But why ? I always tell that with everything he'll do and want, i will support him no matter what but this time, I can't.
Why ???
Oh yeah, right. Because i love him.
I love him too much that i'm willing to sacrifice my own happiness just to make him happy. Where i let myself dwell the pain everytime i help him to make his relationship last long.
I always keep telling to myself that this is the last time i will help him but every time i see how happy he is after that, i can't help but keep doing what I'm used to do.
I know that when you love someone you are willing to do anything for that person and i didn't know that i love him too much to hurt my own self.
"Jungkook" i called and Jungkook turn his gaze on me. He just stared at me and stayed silent waiting for my next word.
I look at him intently and thought to myself that i can't imagine to see him in pain.
This pain i am feeling right now is what i don't want to see in his face and i'll never let that happen. I've been dwelling this pain for so long that I've become a master on how to handle this feeling unlike Jungkook.
I'm not letting you feel the pain i feel Jungkook. I promise you that. You're the most important person to me and you mean the whole damn world to me so I'm doing this for your sake, Jungkook.
So i decided -
"Jungkook, let me know if you need any help and don't hesitate to ask me okay? " I said as i hold his shoulder and look at his doe eyes straight.
He stared at me for a minute and there all the pain i felt is worth it when i saw his bunny smile again. That smile where it reach to his eyes is what i love the most and makes me calm.
I love you so much Jungkook that I'm willing to let you go.
*That night at VMin's dorm*
"You what!?" Jimin yelled at me and almost choke while he's drinking his beer
"Yes Jimin" i said and drink the glass of my strawberry juice.
(Author's note: Taehyung can drink beer or any alcoholic drink but he still prefer to drink strawberry juice, remember that any strawberry flavored is his favorite and comfort food. He is not fond of alcoholic drink , except for wine)
"You're really going to give up on Jungkook" Jimin asked again not believing what i just said
I sighed and
"Yes Jimin" i said again to his question
"But i thought you love him?"
I smiled a little while remembering Jungkook's smiling face.
"And that's the reason why i decided to."
"Huh? Then you're just going to throw away all the feelings you invest to him? "
I just look at him and smiled a little that didn't reach my eyes. A smile of loneliness.
"What if you confess to him already? Hmm? What do you think? Just take me and Yoongi as an example , i pursue him till the end and look at us now" Jimin convinced me
"Well Jimin, your story is different from my story." I said then stare at my strawberry juice and stayed silent.
I just don't feel like talking right now.
Jimin just stared at me and "Tell me what happened" Jimin said looking so serious.
"Huh? What should i tell you? I just decided out of nowhere to give up my feelings for Jungkook" i said as i avoid his eyes.
"Taehyung i know you. You're not the person who will just ask me to drink then tell that out of nowhere. And I know you, you will not give up on Jungkook if there is no reason" Jimin said still looking at me like he is seeing me through my lies.
I sighed.
I couldn't hide anything to this midget. So i just give up and tell him my conversation i had with Jungkook while ago.
Jimin stared at me for a moment and i saw the pity in his eyes.
I laugh fake as i saw how he look at me
"Stop looking at me like that okay haha. I'm okay Jimin. Really" i lied then stared out of nowhere.
Am i really? I ask myself because even me, I'm starting to doubt my own feelings. My mind keeps telling me that i am fine but my heart feels worst.
Why can't this pain just disappear when i said I'm okay? Why are they not listening to me.?
And Why is everything didn't go along as I've wanted to? All i've wanted is to be happy so why?
"Then tell me why are you crying?" Jimin said and wiped the tears in my cheeks
What? I faced Jimin who looks so sad while staring at me.
"I-im not" i said and touch my cheeks that is now wet with my tears.
When did i cry?
"Come here, i'll lend you my shoulder again" Jimin said and hug me and pat my back gently that makes me cry more and that is just the time that the pain im ignoring earlier hits me so f*cking hard.
My chest feels so heavy like there's a sack of sand that puts in my chest that i can't breath properly.
Why do i have to feel so much pain? Is this really what it feels to love someone?
Or this is just a punishment because i can't give my whole support to my best friend where that is what he just want from me. Why ?
Why do i have to fall to someone i shouldn't?
Of all people why do you have to be the one Jungkook?
"Jimin, i want to support him. Really. I mean it but it's so hard for me because of this f*ck*n feelings i have for him. I really do want to give up. Earlier i thought that i really can do it. That it was easy for me to do it. I thought that im okay with it. That im just fine. But that is just me trying to fool myself. You saw everything that i have done. I tried to date some other guy and try to forget him but why do i always find myself going back to him and let myself hurt? I know that i shouldn't be doing this, that i should stop this but everytime he flash those bunny smile and look at me with that doe eyes , i can't help myself but to always agree to everything he said and ask me to. I know that this is all my fault why i am hurting so much but what the f*ck! He is torturing me too much for asking me again to help him buy a gift for Yun-hee for their 3rd anniversary. I really want to yell him how stupid he is for not caring about my feelings but that is also my fault because i am too afraid for him to know and i am scared that i might lose him if he knew abut my true feelings form him . I know and i am aware with all of these so why i just can't avoid it? Why ???" I burst out my feelings while crying on Jimin's shoulder while he hug me more tightly that makes me cry more.
And i cried and cried until i can't breath properly asking Jimin how stupid i am when it comes to Jungkook.
"And Jimin you know what's the worst? Im really so dumb to say yes and voluntarily takes care of everything" i cried and hug Jimin more tightly.
And that night. I cried myself out to Jimin and he just listen to me until i fall asleep with pain i feel in my chest.
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