Chapter 8 - January

New year, A new year for Christ sake.I finally get around to reading that little note in the DVD.In short it said she enjoyed our time together and hopes I'm doing good and merry Christmas.It was a sweet gift and I do miss her everyday but I just know we'll meet again some day.Right now I'm in the process i getting a Mexican Passport, the plan is I get a Passport here to get a plane ticket to Tijuana, then I go through the border.It's seems easy right ? wrong. It'll back us at least two to three months to wait for it to arrive and it takes up to two weeks to book an appointment to get registered.I've taken my ID photo already and we wait now, let's hope Early April I'm gone.

I've gotten a sense of insanity, or I'm just sounding childish.Insanity feels like such a lame word, it's lost it's value to me.Due to this new generation feeling they're all crazy, in a quirky way.I wanna kill every last one of them, kill em slowly.Well anyways I've gotten so lonely that I've begun to draw very lewd things.Drawing random girls I knew I high school, the bitchy and annoying ones.I also drew rose, very beautiful and wonderful.If anyone found these drawings I'd be seen as a monster, but I respect those lewd artist in the world.The human anatomy is a difficult reference.Well I also got my hands on a piece of cardboard and a little piece of plastic strap that I've attached to the cardboard.I cut it up into a mask with scissors.Made a face and drew emotion on it.I wear the cardboard mask while I draw, mom came in once and saw me wearing it.She was frightened but got used to it after a while.I sit in the room, west the mask and draw whatever my mind expresses.I've been in here so long I don't go outside to eat with my uncle and mom in the kitchen.She brings me the food to my room and my uncle jokes that Im getting bored.Which really isn't s joke, I'm slowly feeling disassociated from reality.I feel that little presence again, I'm not alone in this room and this mask feels like my shield from feeling it.I sometimes disconnect and draw things I don't remember drawing.I see these Sketches of that damn clock, it's frightening.It's shown as if something living in the clock.I move my drawing table and drop most of my art supplies.I quickly go to the clock and try to open it.I try to pry it open, I try to drop it but won't budge, like it's glued to the floor now.I give up, I roam back into my room with the mask still on.I sit back down in my empire of dirt.I look through these awful lewd drawings I regret making and tear them up.I shove it in a shoe box and hide it in the cabinet.I shove all the lewd drawings in there and shame them away.For weeks I've been in this stage and now that February is soon I gotta feel clean.My mother walks in as I sit back down.She looks at me awkwardly and says "take off the damn mask please when I talk to you, it feels rude." She says as I remove it and asks "What do you need…" she says as she Asks "do you wanna go eat with us ?" She says as I annoyingly say "no I'm alright…" I say as she scoffs, she leaves and forgets to close the door. I angrily get up and slam it shut.I put the mask back on, lay in bed and put on the tv.It's playing a rerun of The Ed Sullivan Show, it's playing The moment Nancy Sinatra performs These Boots Are Made For Walking.Such a great song and singer, love her and her fathers work.Well it plays as I just vibe to it, that Ed Sullivan is such an icon and the show as well, it's had many legends on there.Well I lay in bed as I have my Oxford shoes to the side of me on the floor.This song always been a favorite, also Something Stupid, that's a beautiful song.

Well as I allay hear I am getting a big sleepy, I left my mess of drawings and art supplies on the floor and will clean it tomorrow.

As I sleep I dream, a weird dream.I dream of a bunch of woman dressed as clowns.Looks weird but I am attracted, it turns weird after it's pitch black now.I am in my room tied up.I see that shadowy figure again just leaning over me.Standing there, you only notice it's eyes as it poses menacingly.It's a creepy image as I say "let me go….Cmon let me go now…." I say calmly as it lunges at me, I awake quickly.I see nothing now, everything is clear.It was just a little nightmare I guess.

Well I get back to it, same routine of working out, haven't mentioned but I've been hurting my body everyday.I don't run on any supplements or any drinks that help or even protein bars, it's just all pure hatred.So it's another day, this month I'm able to register for a Mexican Passport.I finally come closer to escaping this awful place.Bring isolated for so long is torturous.Haven't been in contact with my friends since My birthday, Remember that was five months ago.They texted and wished me a good birthday and got drunk in my honor.You can know people and you can feel people as a friend.Like you see a familiar face in the street or something, you do some Catching up, promise to keep in touch and forget about it.I have a dozen very close friends of mine, we're bastards.Half of them know what they're doing in life and the others, including myself, have no fucking idea what to do.

High school done, charades over of saying "man I can't wait for this bullshit to be over and I can make some money to live on my own." The sad reality is you finish high school, go to some college, maybe pursuit a new career half way and still live with your parents at twenty five.There's the small few that pick up the jobs and grunt work of those who I admire like a trash man or mailman.A retail backbone of that country, very under appreciated.Well I don't know why I go on this little tirade but I have a conclusion.High schools over, stop being a pouty baby and face the fact the world sees you as another little speck.

God this house has got me talking dangerously, not of my nature at all.I used to feel joy in the little things in life, today a bird was in my balcony and it annoyed me.I got that slingshot Rose gave me and I got some rocks I had stashed and started attacking it with shots.It took three shot for me to knock it down, it fell over.I went to pick it up and felt bad, it died slowly like it was having an aneurysm.I snapped it's neck to end the suffering, poor bird.

Mothers come home with all sorts of junk that my one of my uncles delivered.A red truck is carrying a couple boxes, some is junk but one box I saw through the balcony had a record player.I went quickly as Dolby and two other men were helping bring the stuff in.Mother walks on with a box of clothing as she sees me coming down the stairs.

"Oh Glenn, go help Dolby bring stuff in, we gotta sell this." She says as I walk past one of the men carrying in a box and go straight for the box with the record player, it's very old fashioned.I bring it to the Living room and set it on the table.I slowly take the small things out like action figures and pencils, weird organizing.I finally see only the record player left, I get it out and am astonished by it.By now the men have brought in the last of it, "thank you guys, here you go and get home safe…" says mother as she gives them each Five hundred pesos.The men take it and leave as my uncle is opening a box full of shoes, some worn down and dirty but still wearable.M&M is laying on the staircase as mother says "Alright, Tomorrow I get to selling this…" she says as I asks "what do you mean ?" To which she further explains "Well you see when your siblings don't support my needs at my age I sell clothing and such to the community…..it's cheap so they'll buy it….plus most of this is in bulk….Cmon you should know this system from America Glenn what the hell they teach you in school ?" She asks as she opens a box full of books.She turn to me and says "Here look through these, learn something …" she says jokingly as I look through the box.I find some dozen copies of dictionaries and some of American literature but I see no interest in This.I go back to admiring the Record player as my Uncle says "It's a nice gramophone, I'll see if it works tomorrow…" says Dolby as mother says "Yea if it works we can sell for a good price -" she says as I say "wait, is there no way we can keep it, I just wanna try it out for a bit If It does work…." I asked nicely as she looks at me bitterly.She sighs and says "Alright, Dolby checks it out tomorrow and if it works you can keep it but if not we sell it as junk…." She says as I smile in joy.

After they finish packing and put away the things in the garage we eat dinner.I decide to join them as we eat Turkey in silence.After M&M pouts loudly, Dolby says "So Glenn, remember that talk of that guy who kidnapped and tortured that guy in 1975…." He says as I nod and reply "yea I do…"

He leans over and says "well I looked into it and can you believe it, he had a daughter-" He says until I cut him off "who got killed by her boyfriend, then he took his own life …?" I ask as he shakes his head in disbelief "yes, it's crazy the whole story with that…" he expresses with hand gestures.We laugh at bit as mother is on her phone.It's silent a bit until I say "it's crazy that was nearly 50 years ago…." I say as Mother adds on "Christ I was 4 when that happened.." she scoffs and adds on more "oh we've gotten old Dolby…." She smirks as they laugh.I finish up my turkey and awkwardly try to excuse myself, "Uhh i finished, so imma go now mom…" I say as she replies "alright….Goodnight…" I get up and walk until Dolby says "what no, don't leave yet Cmon sit back down let's keep talking-" He says as Mother says "Ahh let him go, we bore him to death Dolby…" she says as Dolby obliges annoyed.I feel weird about it and walk away quickly upstairs.The lights are off as I have to navigate myself in the darkness.As I'm walking into my room I feel something holding the door, not like it's jammed just won't open.I push and push until it opens so easily, something was holding closed.I flicked the light on as I look myself in the mirror and feel confident in myself.I go to my box of sketch books, I take out my most valuable one, I get my mask and get to drawing.This mask just takes over, has a mind of its own.It draws my dog M&M, or I mean I drew it I guess.It comes out very bad but you can see what I was going for.It's golden brown paws and black hair, it's big belly making him look pregnant.He's just laying down sleeping, gosh I love that dog sometimes.

Dolby have a try at the gramophone and he has The Righteous brothers record, Just once in my life.He played unchained melody as I start I hear it from my room.I see through mothers bedroom that she sleeping, I go downstairs and see him sitting on the couch and enjoying the song.He hears me and says "hey Glenn, sit down if you want…." He says as I walk down and head for the other couch.It's silent and he takes in the song and cherishes it, he sings along a bit as he says to me "you like this song ?" He asks as I say "unchained melody, it's good …" I say as he surprised says "wow you know this one huh, yea it was one of my favorite songs, you know I never say it but…" he says as he leans closer and says "Music is a gracious gift, many don't get and some make there own….Like how Prometheus gave us fire, feels the same…." He says as I sit there awkwardly and space out.He laughs a little and gets up, he stops the record and removes it, he turns to me and says "Glenn, if you want you I'll buy you a record, anyone you want but only one….moneys kind of tuff right now hehe…" he says as I get up and start to walk upstairs "alright….thank you I will I'll let you know tomorrow…." I say as I head upstairs to my room.He stands there looking at me going upstairs as when I get up there he looks down on the floor and sighs.

I'm worried now as February is soon, my mothers birthday, god have mercy on us all.She's gonna go all out for her 50th birthday, her 40s are behind her now.