"What is affection?" A man randomly said to me in a mental clinique, but he did not get an answer from me.
Simply because I don't know what it is and never received such thing in the first place.
As diligent as an explanation can be presented to me, I never managed to understand this obscure term.
What can it be? And more importantly, how do people feel it?
Either way, It was more evident than the sun that everybody felt such incredible emotion, yet, I couldn't. Not because of a vile mental illness, but because of a wicked foible, "my darn appearance."
I was the manifestation of a demon; no, I might've trespassed such boundaries; even a condemnation wouldn't have the leverage to distort such harm.
In unpretentious words, I was unpleasant to the eyes, a plague that brings bad fortune to the outlookers.
Similarly, that's how I ended up without a shred of affection; nobody liked me, and most of the remaining ones are unduly abominating lies, including my dear mother. She couldn't stare at me for more than 3 seconds without lashing out her hypocritical smile as her eyes quiver somewhere else.
Nonetheless, I didn't care.
The only two passions I had in my life were seeking art and longing for affection. These passions, like a great wind, had blown me over an ocean of anguish and despair.
I have sought art first, solely because I was talented at it, not to the level of compensating my face as if that what's happening; I would probably be the god of craft.
Still, missed opportunities paired with my bleak circumstances didn't help in my cause to flourish my ideas; all I had, was a blocked curiosity and dreams and wonders.
With equal passion, I have sought affection, something I was deprived of since birth.
On the internet, I read that it brings an ecstasy so great that a human will sacrifice life for a few hours of this joy.
Hence, this is how my previous life went down.
I was a hideous-looking artist from a minor company, wasting my skills on creating posters for the half-baked movie theaters, anniversary, weddings, novels..etc.
My works were relatively famous in the city, but I never got credited for my job, especially since I looked so horrible I rarely visit the company, only working from home.
Books, snacks, and Siri were my only friends, and dozing was my only escape.
You never ran on those days where you feel strangely optimistic and fresh even though it's an entirely false sense? That's what I have experienced today, So I decided to show up to work. Thus, I brushed my teeth, shaved my beard, and wore my favorite Hawaii shirt.
Boarding the company building, I got greeted by the familiar red twitching eyes and the almost puking gestures.
Once I entered the management office, I accidentally stumbled on a horde of people.
Subsequently, I can hear their whispers after taking a peek at me.
"Is that the renowned ace of the company? How can such creep create something like this?" the woman that spoke pointed her finger on a poster, "It must be copied from somewhere!."
"Ughh!! That pervert is looking at me with his creepy eyes." another girl chimed.
I never bothered to explain that it was a bulging eye disorder.
"Why would that creature be here?" asked what looked like a man in a suit.
I couldn't hold my tongue anymore, ranging almost instantly, "Because you and this company were too heavy for my home, so I came to carry you on my back from here,"
The man gaped, averting his gaze from the zombie skinned demon.
What I said was true; I made this company a lot of profit; I mean wearing my visage, you either have your mother's divine blessing or real capabilities and in my case, it was obviously the latter.
'How ironic is this world? Even the ugliest, most dismissed person in the company has a better ethical sense.'
Thinking that I facepalmed, going back to my house at once.
"It's probably going to be wasted in some cheap Billboard again." I sighted after finishing my design.
But today, however, was different; I have finally collected some bravery and going to ask a girl out.
We were five years apart; she was a cute girl with rose hair from my neighborhood; we've been close to each other our whole lives.
Also, our mothers were best friends.
I can say that she's the only girl that never showed any discomfort while looking at my face. She was indeed my light in the darkness.
Leading up to a great partnership, I decided to make a surprise, calling her and telling her to meet me at the most expensive restaurant in the city; I spent two months preparing for this proposal and probably half my savings too, but I didn't mind it at all.
We had a fun dinner, or at least that's what I believed. I kept talking none stop so she won't get bored, and finally, the most critical moment of my life, I reached my hand to her's and warmly said, "Would you be my girlfriend?"
The guests in the restaurant immediately turned their heads, looking in my direction.
"...Is he proposing?"
"Wah! How cute!'
Whimpered the people I faced from the back.
"Is the ogre trying to eat the swamp lotus!?" The customer who could see my face exclaimed.
Furthermore, Some of the kids pointed their fingers in my direction, laughing, "Mommy, Shrek?"
(A/N: Shrek is the finest creature alive, change my mind)
I didn't pay them any heed, let these impostors talk all they want; my late mother told me that you only should mind the opinions of the people you care about, and indeed Haruka is the only one I care about in this life.
"Haru?! Are you joking with me?" Haruka angrily rang.
"Huh?" The question baffled me.
Regardless, I still repeated the same words, but this time louder.
Haruka nervously looked around her and saw people looking at her with a hint of anticipation.
She looked taken aback, "You!? Me? DON'T JOKE WITH ME, BASTARD."
My poster stiffened, utterly shocked after I repeated her statements inside my brain to make sure I heard it best.
I quickly lifted my face, bewildered. Then I heard her say the words that hunted me for the next couple of weeks.
She covered her face with her bag and uttered one last sentence, "Haru, I'm already carrying Mizuki's son, don't you dare to ruin my chance with him, DON'T EVER TEXT ME AGAIN, YOU STUPID PIG!!." Haruka stood up and ran as fast as she could.
With flared nostrils, I was left alone in an extensive awkwardness while the girl that I foolishly thought would give me a chance was nowhere to be seen.
I wasn't sure of what to expect of my life next. At that moment, I felt like the last piece of my soul broke; the world seemed dim and dark; the only candle that continuously lighted me has been extinguished.
Two weeks after the incident:
I spent the remainder of my days doing nothing; my mind was crammed with a flock of hateful thoughts, heaving the dark ideas deeply sealed in my mind.
In the highland of my rage, I broke everything in the house, chairs, tablets, laptops, even my beloved art pieces; I destroyed them all.
The pain and suffering I went through in my life were ponderous and bitter to the core.
I sat down in the pile of junk, grabbing my head with both palms as I cried for the second time in my life behind the cry caused by the slap from the doctor right after birth.
Nevertheless, there was one more drawer to go; for some reason, I deeply cherished this wooden container; even with the wood that turned black with time, I invariably felt a magical artistic aura coming from every inch of its trunk; growing up, I even doubted that it was made by a human hand.
The box was weightless yet, for some reason, the lock was more challenging to break than a top International bank's; the only reason my deceased mother left it on the house was that it reminded her of my father, quoting her words, he was the most charming man she ever saw, his elegance was so heavenly she got bewitched by a single look.
I never believed her inconscient Bluffs. 'If he's this handsome, why on earth would I be this ugly?'
I stopped up, jiggling my baseball bat, getting ready to finish my final art piece.
And I did just that, with one move, I slashed the poor box in half.
Suddenly, right after the wood particles sealed inside, breathe air, it let out a green smoke.
In a second, the whole room turned hazy with a smell of musk.
Following the explosion of mist, I felt the urge to snooze; slowly, with each second, I felt my body slow down, every cell relaxed, daring me to take a rest. I vigorously fought the urge; still, it overwhelmed me entirely, carrying me straight to the seven gates of heaven.