CH 6 - Pure Emotions, Discard Them

Without realising it. Within the car, I had already fallen asleep. I felt consciousness slip away out of reality as it entered my mind.

The space was lit in pitch darkness once more, only illuminated by a multitude of star arrays and constellations.

This place... I felt a vague sense of familiarity towards it as if I had already been here before.

No, I was definitely asleep. I'm having a dream aren't I?

Before I could make sense of anything, I attempted to sense my own body.

The answer only surprised me.

I felt ethereal and shapeless. This would be the sensation you'd image a soul would feel like.

The stars, one after another would interchange states between rain drops self detonating into stars and the stars imploding into rain drops. This was such a serene and dreamy feeling. It felt imaginary and out of my reach.

Without the slightest sense of realisation, I had long started to walk using this ethereal body as I treaded within this universe. It felt as if I was witnessing the birth and destructions of many worlds. Such a feeling couldn't help but make one feel small and insignificant.

Was this how our lives could be seen within the grand scale of the universe?

Is the life of a human not even worth a nanoseconds as to what the universe was going through?

Life and death never felt so meaningless.

No. Even that within itself just shows how precious life and death is.

It's so fragile. So miniscule in the grand scheme of things.

I felt my body shaking from the cold.

After all... who could blame me for feeling such a way?

Like the universe, should I just move on?

I couldn't help but feel that only in this state could I be fully connected with my feelings.

I felt my heart grow cold. The silver flame within it moving and swaying as if threatening to go out at any moment.

Is my heart so fragile?

Am I so sensitive of a person?

This melancholic feeling. It was like a dream as I felt the cold rain touch my skin as it would interchange between a star and a rain drop. My body felt heavy and wet as I kept walking.

I reached out my hand towards a star which showed signs of imploding into a rain drop as I caught it.

Without warning, my consciousness brought itself within its own consciousness.

I suddenly found myself sitting on the bench of a fishing boat.

My body was that of a 12 year old boy with jet black hair and blue eyes. This boy was no doubt myself.

At this time I felt like a spectator as I couldn't move or act within this body as a scene played out.

I believe to remember this day.

The boy sat there as he attempted to tie and hook bait at the end of his fishing line before he gave up and called out towards the man behind the helm of the boat.

"Father, I don't have the slightest idea on how to do it." I had said that day.

Joseph looked at me with a gaze filled with fatherly love as he still sat there and looked at me while saying. "My boy, look at your line yourself! You've quite almost managed to tie it properly. You should ask me again in 20 minutes if you haven't managed to do it by then." After saying so, Joseph stood up and walked over to me before patting my head as he watched over me.

15 minutes later as I was getting close to my limit, I had managed to tie it before looking at Joseph with love and appreciation in my eyes.

Joseph patted my head once more as he spoke. "You're an honest boy you know. Don't give up so quickly! If you want to give up, see it through till you decide to give up. However, you must also knew you shouldn't bite off more than you can chew." Joseph said, his gaze filled with the vicissitudes of time.

Just like that I returned to the starry and rainy realm within my own mind.

Those were my memories?!

I couldn't help but think to myself in shock. This was a library of my life within my mind.

Processing this information, I couldn't help but reminisce to that day. The day I went fishing with Joseph. At that time I would not know that that would be my first and last time fishing. Well, with Joseph at least.

"Such an honest boy... eh?" I spoke out for the first time within my mind as my lips moved to speak this self deprecating sentence.

Yes but why must I find out of this place now? Sure, this was an amazing ability but my emotions... I was still but a kid after all.

"Emotions? Discard them." This whisper could faintly be heard but I had missed it.

"Is somebody here?" I yelled out within my head. Yes, this was odd. I felt myself yell for someone else within my head. Am I bipolar? Do I have split personalities? Certainly not.

So weird.

This all felt like a fever dream.

I want to hold on to this hope.

Something which could patch this hollow feeling within my heart.

My heart which had been beating silently as the flames threatened to extinguish themselves suddenly beat faster as an unknown ambition, which had been inlaid within my heart through the silver fire, soon sprouted.

This thing I've called love. I've received it so sparingly from just one person. I had only received from one person. I've only felt it once and only one variation of it. Familial love, paternal love, the love of kinship, I've only felt a tinge of it for the past 2 years I was with Joseph. But this feeling is now gone.

Known I would have felt such a way if I had accepted to be loved and to love. Known if the price for being loved and to love someone is that someday there would be a separation from that love, no matter how naïve that sounds, I would have thrown it all away.

I hate that I feel so emotional. I hate it. Hate is also an emotion. I hate it. I hate that I am 14. I hate not being able to control these emotions. I hate not being in control. I hate being powerless within the world around me. I hate how irrational I am.

And so... and so... even so... no matter how selfish this sounds, I want to throw it all away. I wouldn't hesitate.

This lost feeling within my heart which had been given once more by this mysterious flame. This feeling was something which ran through my veins and connected itself with my blood, flesh and kin.

This feeling which felt like it spanned from eons of existence, a feeling which felt to transcend space and time to a time to which I may not have been born yet. Connected to people and feelings to which I had and don't have at the same time a connection with.

A series of random words assaulted my mind. "Limitless, Regretless, Ageless, Shameless, Fearless, Heartless, Useless, Worthless, Careless,..." More and more words assaulted me as they felt so estranged yet relating to each other.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."

Without realising it, I had woken up from the back seat of the Rolls-Royce Phantom as I had screamed from the top of my lungs as I awoke from my dream.