Chapter 6

May 19, 2019

It's 5:45am in the morning and Jay and I are on a walk, watching the sunrise. It's become a habit of ours, a part of my routine. Get up to see the sunrise before I go on my run. Meet up on the deck to watch it set. Always together. We don't talk to each other but the silence isn't awkward. In fact, it's almost reassuring.

Today, he holds my hand. His grip is loose, but his fingers are laced between mine. His hand was warm, maybe a little sweaty, but I really don't mind. The air is cool and crisp, a breeze whipping my hair into my face. Jay turns to me, using his free hand to move the hair from my face, tucking it behind my ear. With a small smile, I look down and my head onto his shoulder. A moment later, I feel his arm wrap around me gently.

I look at the horizon, watching the sun paint the sky. When I'm with him, I finally feel things again. You know, you never realize how much you'd miss feeling things until you actually lose them. Most times, I find myself wishing I could feel something, anything. Even the feeling of sadness or anger would be better than the empty hole I feel inside of me.

Once the sun has risen, I begin stretching so I can run. Lately, the feeling of my lungs burning and my legs aching has been one I crave, odd, I know, but the pain is comforting. There's just something about pushing myself harder and harder everyday that makes it addicting. It makes me feel alive, the way the ocean does.

Later that night, Jay decided to join me in my room again. Again, he didn't speak and neither did I, we just sat in silence. Somewhere between 8pm and 5am, I ended up asleep in his arms. Honestly, waking up with his arms around me had to be the best feeling ever, I don't think I've ever felt so at peace with the world, or myself.