Chapter 2: thunder in the wind
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7:30 November 20,2015
I wish I had this figured out. I feel like I don't belong. am I not who I am- this person with no personality or am I the one with dignity? my life just feels cold inside. something keeps me from holding on to nothing. my whole life has been haunted by agony for three years still.
I still have a decision to make next year. When I'm 14 I try to tell my mom my decision of what I want to do. She just thinks it's a game. It's not a game I telling the F***king truth why won't you listen to me? It's easier with Dad. I just wish I had the rest of your trust.
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I am going to change a little bit of things here in this chapter. Today is May 1, 2023, and it's 6:35 in the morning. My sleep schedule has been off. At the present time it is 14 days till the release of a new horror short story i wrote, it is called the Last Girl, but it will be released May 15, 2023. That happens to be my 21st birthday as well. Part of me is looking forward to it. But on days where my depression comes out to say hi like a distant relative who only visits or comes in contact when they need something.
On those days, i hope i dont make it to my 21st. These past few years have been hell on everyone. Between the pandemic, the us going down the highway to hell. And a lot of other things but i don't really pay attention to it anymore because all i see is damage being done our freedom slowly depreciating and death splattered all over.
So in this story I would like to make it into half nonfiction and half fiction. So I will have an author's note but I will continue to explain it. For example, chapter 1 is nonfiction, it is actual journal that dates from when I wrote. But I would like to switch up and still have the same concept but something a little more my style.
Saying so, thunder in the wind is a different pace than what i normally write. One, I do not have much of a plan for this.
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4:10 am November 29,2015
I wish that my mother would understand me when i'm fourteen and now hopefully she supports my decisions. without bringing up that time it will always haunt me my whole life i hope she will stop bringing it u
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We all have our introduction to our own story- or do you know those little instagram bios? Or maybe one on wattpad or on different socials. I have created a few over the years and it has ranged from many things but also similar to each one for example:
Hi, my name is Lauren Winters. I am a 20 year old author, home cook and a fur baby mum of 2.
Yes it has changed over the years, and this was one of the original bios i had:
Hi my name is Haley. I am 19, & I am an aspiring chef, rocker, & author.
I can say personally, I am glad I changed it. I know for a while I had a bit of skepticism with it and paranoia to a fault with the internet. And it is true you don't know who you can trust on it nowadays. Plus nowadays everything is struggling and our privacy and freedom seem to be slowly getting taken away from us. Especially for women, it honestly seems like the world is reverting to the dark ages of humanity. Moving on to a somewhat better topic.
I can say this, I have been 11 years clean from harming myself like I went through the shredder. I guess part of me wanted to feel the pain in real-time from the mental abuse my mother threw at me. I was mentally abused by my mother her friend, and my daughter. But her daughter is another story because she has punched me a few times, let alone called me a worthless b----.
But my mom was a puppet on a set of strings controlled by her "friend". To put in better words, or a better example. Thinking of something along the lines of this, my mom's friend could say, "The sky is purple." My mum more or less would ask, "What shade of purple."
I know part of me asks myself, what would things be like if my mum was still alive? What would she say now? And would we have been able to resolve the problems between us? Or even try to repair the mother-daughter relationship.
When my mum passed, I just felt a wave of pain and numbness that kept falling over me. It was a pain I knew too well. I do have one too many problems, between physical and mental problems. I felt like a hollow shell honestly. Almost like my mind was on autopilot.
For a while, maybe a year or two after my mum passed in 2017, things felt like they were becoming normal. Like passing through the stages of grief. My life soon felt like it was falling- almost falling into place. Then low and behold my anxiety destroys it. Over-thinking, worrying about every little thing, questioning if I am good enough, or if I will screw more things up. And everything that came with it was destroyed.
I don't have too many friends, just two good friends honestly. Well my best friend and my boyfriend. I'm friends with his sister & I didn't know that till a few years after. So I guess I have a sister- in -law? I don't know but she is one of my best friends. They both have seen me at my lowest and driest place. And have stuck with me through the darkness. My good friend, whom I met freshman year last period, was in Spanish class. I flunked out of it the first day. I never really was able to grasp the concept of it, unfortunately. Later after class, we started talking and soon started to hang out and days later a wonderful friendship blossomed.They have stayed by my side since day one- when I moved the school to Culver.
One other thing I did forget to mention, was a quirky romance that blossomed too. The relationship is a bit rocky, but that was because I had trust issues- Thank you, Mom. Yes, the weird quirky romance- at first it was an on and off-relationship- trust issues, but after taking a break for a while.
Junior year I was single- but for six months I wasn't. Worst idea and worst decision ever. I regret it. I have had very toxic relationships in the past. That relationship was toxic- especially when I broke things off. In the time of the relationship, it was my first ever real relationship.
It lasted about six months. I guess most relationships I have had before now and that one only lasted maybe 2- 2 ½ months. I was scared and didn't want to lead anyone on. And so I broke it off. But during junior year, I had a long-distance relationship. It wasn't pretty, it was mainly mental abuse, and the night I broke it off, I was called a cheap s***ty w***e that couldn't be put out. That didn't help me much either way, because the same year I almost was r**ed.
It was another student, the same grade, not giving you names, but even when I was in my guess junior high or between the 5- 6th grades. Some guy had this infatuated crush on me, and i didn't pick up on that till he said something.
Little did I know, he cornered me and tried forcefully kissing me and trying another tactic, but I would rather not talk about that. Before I moved to Culver I was bullied a good 90% of the time. I did my best to stick to the shadows so I was left alone, mainly just trying to blend in. That is what got me through high school.
I would like to say one thing with this: I'm not doing this for more followers or any kind of attention, I refuse to have that, I already have too much going on in my head. I guess I'm just trying to give myself closure, and finally get this off my chest.
To those who have read my stories, you may know that I have eye problems, I don't have much family, and I was bullied. But for those who don't. This is my list of problems, and I will explain the rest in a minute.
Anxiety
Depression
Low self-esteem
Vitiligo ( loss of pigmentation in the skin)
Coats disease (scar tissues behind the retina- blind in left eye)
With this story, i know that it will seem like pure chaos in the first few chapters but i promise it wont end that way. I wanted this to be almost a explanation to everything that may happen in the story, and that is where i want to continue next- how i started writing stories and how legends lost stories came about. Because genuinely, there is a lot to explain beneath the surface.
I know that we are all fucked up in our own way, but thats what makes us- us. There is many faces to us and the masks we wear, and that is what happened with Legends Lost Stories originally, yes some has changed but it also hasnt. Recently in a few of my stories or book covers i use alias's. It first started out with the name lauren winters and where that came about was i started using my middle name which is lauren, hence- haley lauren. Is what i use today.
But it was one author tag that started it all- legendslost13. My first ever story I wrote was in the seventh grade, and that was almost 10 years ago or a decade. It was during the school year when I attended middle school.
Disney still had the iconic theme of Monstober. If i remember correctly it was monday, i believe i could be wrong. But i was in the library one morning and it was before class started i got all my school work done during study hall that day and over the weekend. I tried my best to stay on top of it. Or turn it in anyways.
The story that took off my writing was a story I created titled Love bites. And even now I am in the process of revamping it into a full fledged novel. The original plot i still plan on keeping but my original idea for it was kind of confusing but i knew that i wanted it to be a young adult fantasy but also a relatable story. If you told me back then that today i would have over 50+ stories on my wattpad, i would say your nuts. But i would try my best to accomplish a goal that even pushed past it.