13 Never Drinking Again

I missed her so much let alone just being so close to her.

Our eyes meet...

I feel like getting sucker-punched right in the gut. With the red, blue, and green lights from the flashing lights, her notoriety is still on me, My knees become weak with my mind blanked.

She isn't different and this still doesn't mean anything though.

I know the emotions that I'm seeing on her face are real even though she's intoxicated, she's never been good at hiding them. Just a moment and her eyes feel like a benediction, even though her lack of words is a condemnation.

Clasping my hand in hers makes her jump a little turning back to reality from her thoughts.

I know she notices that my mood suddenly Changed when I quickly let go of her hand which makes her lose her stability. Before she could touch the ground my hand was quickly wrapped in her waist, my mind kept telling me to watch her fall but my heart was telling me the opposite, I guess that's the reason I find her in my arms right now.

she stares straight into my eyes searching for something and lucky enough I had changed my eye lenses to black otherwise she was going to recognize me even with a mask on.

********************

The dismissal after that had gutted me, but I deserved it all for hurting her feelings, I hurt her for ruining this happy moment, I hurt her for being so rude and for whatever heartbreak she felt when I spoke to her in the way that I did, whatever painful memory that crossed her mind at the sight of thinking of me, I would spend the rest of my with that on my shoulders.

I ripped apart every inch of him and then burned the scraps, it felt like I was living a lie, if there was one thing in my world that was the truth, it would be still hers.

I know I will always be hers even though I fuck around with as many whores they all mean nothing, it's only her that I think about even when I'm not fucking her, she's always in my mind and I try to fight that by being someone different.

I can't believe I watched her leave, she left in fear because of the way I spoke to her and the way I acted I know she noticed the dark side of me when she looked straight into my eyes.

Staring at the ceiling, feeling helpless rage building inside me, I curled my hands into fists, wanting to pound them against the cruelty of fate.

She was in front of me, I had the chance to fix my mistakes for what I had done to her, for breaking her heart the way that I did but I couldn't I gave her more pain for making her feel my presence, for making her think she had found someone different.

I can't forgive myself for what I did, I don't know how she is doing right now, how could I just let her walk away from me, I know I deserve it but that's not how I planned it to be.

I know Erica must have taken her home, but I want to be by her side I want to give her the same love she received when we were still together, I wanna give her my whole world treat her better, and never let her go.

Thinking of how I had a great chance to question her about all her problems and letting her go because of my anger makes my body hot as though a fire is burning inside me, urging me to eat myself alive.

I know she left with my sister but, I just can't shake the thought off, I just wanna make sure they both got home safe and sound.

I hated it when I saw her face filled with fear and tears. It physically hurts to see the expression that was on her face.

I jog to my car halting my driver from wanting to drive me. I get in the car with intention of following them just to be sure they both get home safe. Following their car behind and stay far enough behind so that neither of them realizes.

Their car pulls up into the parking lot, pulling out into an adjacent lot behind them about 50 feet away, and turns off my lights. Keeping an eye on the movements inside of the vehicle, she finally walks out of the car leaving Erica inside and I'm pretty sure she told Erica that she wanted to be left alone.

She's hurt and I don't blame her for feeling that way after, I showed up I the club bringing back my feelings of me again, I just can't show up as myself in front of her, I hate myself for showing her my anger the way that I did.

Contemplating as she walks toward her building, I quietly get out of the car and as I was about to enter the building she turns her head back and I quickly disguise myself behind the big flower pot next to the entrance area.

This is so embarrassing...

I watch her as she takes the stairs instead of the elevator, I follow her making sure she gets into her apartment safe and I'm relieved as she does.

***********

I wake up to the annoying sound of my alarm ringing through my ears. I whine and toss over to turn it off. I wake up to a splitting pain in my head. I manage to open my eyes to a dark room since the curtains are still closed. Well, at least I don't have don't need to deal with the light just yet. I prop myself up on my elbows throwing my duvet to the side and dragging my feet to the bathroom.

Stripping off my clothes, I turn the shower on, extending my hand to feel the water heat up. Stepping in, I enjoy the feeling and wash my body, I notice the sensitivity still present in my hand from the way that mysterious man held my hand.

Finishing up and turned the water off feeling refreshed and exhausted.

After drying off, I rub lotion all over and throw a short dress on with my white sandals. I brush my wet hair and then throw it up in a bun on top of my head.

It was thirty minutes past seven so I had left and I had to be ready as soon as possible.

Walking to the kitchen, I don't make breakfast since I have no appetite at all because of all the drinking I did last night.

Yup, I am never drinking again. This is fucking bitter.