1 White Devil

White Devil

In the 90s, I was a white rapper who opened for Rob (Vanilla Ice) Van Winkle right before he made it big.

It all started when I was in high school. I was physically smaller than most of the other boys my size.

So, I was an easy target for bullies, and after getting beat up, I knew that fighting, at least for me, wasn't the answer. I had to find another way, and sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't. But I became very creative.

I was stubborn and didn't care what anybody thought about me. I would rat out anybody who beat me up. One time I was in the principal's office.

And he looked at me and said, "What do you want me to do?"

Here was a 45-year-old man asking me, a thirteen-year-old in the eighth grade, how to do his job. I told him that he should find another job. I think my hatred of the school system started then.

When I was back in class, I sat in my seat, and the teacher called him up to do a math problem on the board. He was in the same row but in the back, so as he walked up to the front, he slapped my head.

I ran to the back where his books were and threw them out the window -when the windows could still be opened.

The teacher sent me to the office, so I grabbed my backpack and went home instead. On the way out, the bully, Matt, threatened that he was going to beat me up -again.

And I said, "Yea, but right now, you're just some asshole looking like a fool standing in front of the class."

Instead of going to the principal's office, I went to where his books were, I had a lighter in my pocket, so I collected his book in a pile and set them on fire.

I didn't try to hide; I wanted them to know it was me.

I knew the one thing that bullies like him were terrified of was crazy people because crazy people are unpredictable, making them dangerous. If people think you're crazy, they will leave you the fuck alone.

I got kicked out of school (apparently for trying to burn the school down), and somebody called me a "Devil." No one had ever seen that before. Back then, you didn't do shit like that. I didn't care if I got kicked out of school.

But I was worried about the ass-whooping -which I got.

I could not have been happier until we moved shortly afterward, and then I had to go to another school. And then the whole thing started over again. I think I went to a different school almost every year.

I did a lot of crazy shit to defend myself against bullies. I was an easy target because I had a knack for bringing out the worst in people.

Years later, I was in another situation, and three people verbally assaulted me for something I was accused of but never did.

They were trying to run me off, but rather than leave, I stayed and took them on, not one by one, but all three simultaneously, holding my own.

There was nothing so low I wouldn't talk about, and I crossed every line. Again, nobody had ever seen or done anything like that before. It was so bad that even people from the surrounding crowd joined in to help them against me.

But I gave it back until I got the last word. Finally, someone from the crowd called me "Devil" there was that word again, and then the crowd dispersed until I was standing there by myself.

When I finished school and graduated, I went to school and became a teacher, I thought I could make a difference, but then I realized that I was just as "out of touch" with the current generation as the teachers from my generation back when I was a student. We all, indeed become our parents.

I began to hate teaching and started looking for another job. I was so desperate to get out that one time when I was looking thru the employment section when I saw an ad in the paper for an open mic at some run-down shit-hole comedy club, and I went down to check it out.

I didn't know anything about hip-hop or black music if you could call it music. I just saw these two-inner city black youths screaming obscenities at each other into a microphone and thought, "I can do that."

I was called worse than that every day in my classroom.

There were never any fights in my classroom because the students knew I wouldn't break it up; my attitude was: Fuck it, let them kill each other.

The first time a fight broke out, the two blacks started beating me while I was in the middle, trying to break it up.

They called the beat-down an "Oreo Cookie" because they were two blacks with me in the middle. They tried to hurt each other but stopped and beat on me for interfering.

The second time a fight broke out, I just guided them out the door and locked it behind them.

I never stopped another fight again. The principal, Mr. White (the blackest man I have ever seen), who was my boss, told me he would fire me if I couldn't control my classroom.

I studied the hip-hop scene and heard the names that every other white rapper was using at the time, Ice this and Ice that, and everything was very generic.

But I wanted to do something completely different, genuine, and rapping if you were successful, paid much more than teaching. Plus, entertaining wasn't even a real job -but teaching was.

That night I watched TV, and the verdict on the police who beat Rodney King had come in, and they were all found innocent, and inner-city Los Angelo all started rioting.

And then it hit me; that's what I could bring to the rap world: Hatred.

What do black people hate more than white people?

Nothing.

But how about a white motherfucker ripping off something they created!

Being a white man would not only give me an edge, but a white rapper who was a racist?

Razor Sharp.

And "White Devil" was born.

"White Devil" was just a schtick, and it was all done very tongue-in-cheek. I didn't have a voice, I couldn't sing, I couldn't rap, I didn't play an instrument, but I was a very offensive, and a complete smart-ass.

Plus, I could rhythm curse words faster than anyone and had a college degree in English.

A lot of black people used big words appropriately.

For example, in an interview, Mike Tyson was asked how he would fight in his upcoming match, and he said he would be superfluously.

I was never a racist, then or now. I just needed a gimmick.

So, when I used a lot of $50 words -unlike my black counterparts- I thoroughly understood what they meant because (I knew how to read) I had an English degree.

So, I used them in the proper context, and when I wrote them down, they were also in the proper structure and syntax.

Most other rappers couldn't pronounce the small words correctly, "Say Holmz, I gotz ta Ax you someone?"

I could legitimately humiliate a rapper while still trying to sound ghetto. I would even ask a mother fucker the definition of the word he just used, and he didn't know it.

He just said it because it sounded good. The black populace were stunned.

The "White Devil" character was shameful but hilarious. I created a whole backstory.

Apparently, "White Devil" claimed to be a part of the master race from a foreign land and spoke with a phony German accent that he would frequently forget during his bogus interviews, but nothing he ever claimed could ever be verified, and his background was always sketchy at best.

White Devil's controversy started by proclaiming that RAP was created by country folk singer Johnny Cash in 1962 when he wrote the song "I've been everywhere, Man."

And that a member of the Sugar Hill Gang or some other long-forgotten bullshit rapper stole the idea from Cash (a poor, southern white boy) and claimed his idea as their own.

The Black Man stole RAP from the White Man, just like everything else, and not the other way around!

Just like Chuck Berry stole the creation of Rock and Roll from Elvis, and that's the real reason Chuck went to prison. It had nothing to do with him having sex with two underage white minors, eluding the police across state lines, in a stolen car, while drunk, and on probation.

White Devil was equally hostile to other minorities. He hated Mexicans; giving the Mexicans a Green card was like giving them a "License to Steal."

He hated anyone who wasn't German, even other whites, bragging,

"I discriminate equally."

He criticized the other white races frequently:

The Polish were stupid,

The Irish were drunks,

The English had bad teeth.

The French were filthy.

And then White Devil would bring out "The Mastered Race," a mix of ethnic dancers who had seen the light and now followed him as their cult leader. They were primarily black dancers in white robes, with him in the front.

White Devil also had a Jewish mixer on the scratch table. A Puerto Rican Lawyer and Body-Guards from Somalia.

Finally, in a strange twist, White Devil admitted that he supported tearing down the wall in Berlin so that the East and West could reunite the German people once again, and he could take his rightful place as the leader of Germany afterward.

He claimed to be the illegitimate great-grandson of notorious troublemaker Adolf Hitler.

He rapped about his struggles of illegitimacy with his hit: Straight Outta Dusseldorf on his 2nd Cd, "Dropping Bombs."

As much as he was hated by every other rapper (white or black), anyone with an IQ below 85 could not touch him. He was the best open-mic "freestyle" rapper in the world. And as much as the fans and other rappers hated him, no one could deny his talent.

Finally, "White Devil" cemented his place in history when he did something that no other white rapper had ever done before or since while scheduled to appear at the Apollo Theatre in Harlem, New York,

-he actually showed up!!!

White Devil came out as the mystery guest dressed like Elvis to perform at a sold-out show and announced that all proceeds would be given to a new foundation he was starting called the N.A.A.A.A or (National Association for the Advancement of African Americans) because he thought the word-colored people in the N.A.A.C.P was offensive.

After he finished, to a stunned audience, he boasted proudly:

"Sag Nicht White Devil never gave you Nein!"

Loosely Translated: "Don't say I never gave you motherfuckers nothing!"

You could have heard a 40oz break on the floor.

White Devil would hang out with all the other rival rappers backstage, black and white, and he even taught Rob how to play Domino's because Van Winkle, a white kid from the working-class suburbs of Texas, was unfamiliar with the game.

Rob knew nothing about Spades, playing Domino's, or making Kool-Aid because he and his friends were high-school drop-outs who played "Hacky-Sac," in the suburbs.

White Devil and Vanilla Ice got along famously. Rob confided that he always felt bad because he never knew who his birth father was and wished one day his biological father could see him as a success and make him proud.

White Devil always tried to make Rob feel better by telling him stories about his childhood, which was always worse -because his father never left.

"You wished you knew your dad," White Devil would say. "I wish he would have left our family; I hated that motherfucker. I didn't even call him "Dad" I called him by his first name, "Hanz," because he was more like a stepdad to me.

"Hanz" could never keep a job; once, he even became a paper boy. He forced me to do the route with him so that everybody thought it was my paper route and that he was helping me. But that Austoria Daily was his!!!"

More fans/haters were coming to see White Devil than the headliner, Rob himself. The "Ice-Ice Baby" management soon saw White Devil as a phenomenon and wanted to cash in quickly, so they offered to make him the headline instead, which meant cutting everyone else on tour, including Rob himself.

Rob was the one who gave White Devil his first break, the one who offered him a spot in the first place. And after a gig they both played one night Rob even offered to buy him dinner at a Chinese restaurant when he found out White Devil was homeless and had no money to eat with.

But White Devil declined, saying, "You don't shit on a man who bought you a Poo-Poo Platter."

After White Devil refused to turn on Rob, the management to protect themselves: (PMS) Promotion, Management, and Sales turned on White Devil before he could expose them.

They set him up in a mock ambush interview on a Morning Talk Show and doctored a secret genetics test to confirm that he was not the great-grandson of Adolf Hitler but instead the illegitimate grandson of Canadian Dog-Catcher Adolf Somerset and some Vietnamese woman who worked as a dental assistant named Ginger Vitus.

Frothing at the mouth, White Devil could be heard screaming, "Zat is Bullshitz," while being carried away by four Black Immigration Agents waiting backstage.

The crowd instantly started booing and jeering, pointing their thumbs down, throwing things, and screaming insults as he left the building.

When his people turned against him, White Devil was Blacklisted in the United States, then deported (back when they still did that), and was banished forever -never to return.

The rest is history.

So, whatever happened to White Devil?

He remains a cult hero in Germany and other Countries Abroad.

Most "White Devils''' hits can still be heard on the radio today in progressive cities like Berlin, Vienna, and Toledo.

And I hear plans for a movie are in the works to expose the outrageous and yet, untold story of the White Devil.

By popular request, Here is additional information about White Devil memorabilia.

From the Self-Titled Debut "White Devil."

I even had No.1 hit singles outside the United States, like "Double-Wide."

Tracks Included:

Double-wide (Hit)

Does this look infected?

My kinda Bullshit

My Enemies Enemy is my Enemy too!

Penis-Envying

Mother-Fucker Please!!!

Tuna-Pooting?

Name your Firstborn after Me

Snitching out the neighborhood

No, that was my twin brother Franco

White Devil Second CD: Dropping Bombs

Stinky Panties

Shut Up Bitch

Live by the AK-47; Die by the AK-47

White Power

4th Reich

Were All Adolf's Children

Straight Outta Dusseldorf (Germany)

Tang: Rich Man's Kool-Aid

Foreign, not Domestic

Whiter the Cane; Sweeter the Sugar

Many people think this is a hoax, but it's not, and if you have never heard of "White Devil," it's because you are suffering from the "Mandela Effect."

The easiest way to explain the "Mandela Effect" is when you hear something for the first time, but it sounds familiar like it already existed forever but never did.

The Mandela Effect:

The Mandela effect is the phenomenon of two or more people having clear memories of an event with two completely different outcomes.

The author and self-described "paranormal researcher" Fiona Broome

coined the "Mandela Effect."

In an alternate Universe, I was the shit!!!

-Rath

This story, "White Devil," is from a collection of works called, The Collective. Most are short stories about 10-15 pages; they include, Horror, Science Fiction, Satire, and Parables.

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https://books2read.com/u/4NjYXN

To be continued

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