Chapter XII: What's Wrong with Me?

In my dream, I felt like I was crucified on a huge cross in the middle of a crowd. Two nails were driven into my hands and two into my feet. Also, an unbearable heat was emanating from the right side of my body. Well, I wasn't alone. The same divine messenger who visited me in prison was present.

"Antonio, wake up!"

I opened my eyes and found myself in a pool of blood. No, I couldn't believe it. Why was there so much blood? Cesare, terrified, stood with a handkerchief trying to stop the bleeding. Which parts were bleeding? The hands, the feet, and the right side, just like in the dream. Why? What's happening? What's wrong with me?

I've heard about these signs... They're called stigmata, signs of Christ's suffering, but I never thought I could have them. I've heard that they can perform miracles, but I've never heard of people having them...

"Antonio, what's happening?" Cesare shouted, frightened.

"I don't know... I think I'm going to die... I'm scared, Cesare, what should I do?"

"Sister Catherine!"

I hadn't seen Sister Catherine for a few days, so I thought something had happened to her. Well, she was more frightened than Cesare, and I think she knew more about it than we did.

"These are the signs of the Lord, Father... When I said you were an angel, I didn't expect you to be touched by the grace of the Lord in such a way. These signs are given only to the most faithful people in the world..."

In a world like this, honestly, it wasn't that hard to be a saint. But something bothered me...

"Why me? What's wrong with me? Cesare, what's happening?"

"I'll go talk to the Pope, and maybe he can help us. I believe he's the best one to say what these wounds are about."

After about 20 minutes, the Pope, along with Cesare, came to see what was going on. Sister Catherine was right... It was about miraculous signs, called stigmata.

"Antonio, it's best to wear gloves during the day. I know it can be weird, but you have no choice," said the Pope, visibly worried.

"Do I really have to go through this just because I look different from you? Why is all this happening?"

"Do you think we know? The one who exorcised the secretary bishop yesterday will be able to clarify this... Antonio, who are you?"

"I'm just a simple priest, nothing more. Please, Holy Father, don't think big things about me..."

After an hour of negotiations where I kept trying to defend myself against the "accusations" of holiness I was receiving, we decided to go through the city together with Cesare. This time, everyone was emotional and visibly happy to see me, especially after yesterday's events.

Everything went normal. Cesare and I talked about various things, and we realized we had more in common than we thought. At the edge of a road, a blind man was begging.

"Help a poor blind man... Please, help me!" the poor blind man cried out.

I went to him, and he felt I was close, asking for my help. I didn't have any money on me, and I was ashamed to ask Cesare for it. The only thing I could do was to heal him myself.

"Man, take off your eye bandage!" I commanded a bit too directly.

"Sir, you'll be scared if you see... Those who have seen how my eyes really look ran away, leaving me alone."

"I won't run away. Please do as I said."

The blind man took off his bandage, and indeed, his eyes were extremely peculiar. I took off the glove from my left hand and placed my hand on his eyes. I said a prayer, and at the end of it...

"It can't be... I don't believe it... I can see! I can see, good people! Father, you're a saint, thank you from the bottom of my heart! Here, take all the money I collected today!"

"No need. What matters is that you can see now, right? Although I'm not a saint, I can still be glad that I could help you regain your sight."

Cesare was stunned, as were all the other people in the city. They all began to kneel around me and ask for my blessing. Cesare himself was kneeling in front of me, which caused me some not-so-normal thoughts.

"Get up, good people! Cesare, especially you, get up!"

The people didn't get up until I offered them my blessing. Even bishops were in that group, amazed by what had happened, especially by the signs I bore in my hands.

"Cesare, let's go..."

We headed to our apartment, and although I was very tired, I couldn't close my eyes to sleep. Why me? Why these strange things? I don't really think I would be a saint as I'm told, especially because I have feelings for Cesare.

"Cesare, are you sleeping?"

"No, I'm not sleeping. Why do you ask?"

"You know, I was thinking that I can't leave here even if I wanted to. If I were to leave with these signs on my body, I couldn't last a day in my country's world."

"Then accept the mission that the Pope offered you... Don't you think it would be better to accept and be with me until the end?"

"Honestly, you're right... But..."

"No 'buts.' You have to stay here. When the cardinal returns, you'll talk to him, and he'll say the same thing."

"Cesare, I don't know why I want to stay here... I want to stay here because you're here! But, at the same time, I don't know what to do with my feelings..."

"Then maybe it would be better to-"

Before he finished the sentence, he got up from beside me and sat on top of me, just like a few days ago. Back then, I was afraid of him, but now a different feeling took the place of fear... Piety was replaced with desire... Fear with love... What will happen?

I didn't even get a chance to think about it because Cesare sat on top of me, kissing me. Our tongues danced like two lovers at a ball, and I was completely filled with the feeling of belonging and love. Finally, I can be with my loved one without fearing separation.

"C-Cesare, I think it would be better to stop here..." I said quite embarrassed.

"Why? Don't you want to know more about me?"

"W-Well, yes... It's just that it's already too much for me. You know, this is my first kiss, and..."

"Wait, what? You haven't kissed anyone until the age of 24?"

"N-No... Not everyone is as romantic as the people in Rome."

"You know, you can't say the romantic word without mentioning Rome first, right?"

"You're right, but..."

"We don't have to rush. There will be time for other gestures in the future, don't you think?"

"Yes, and that's precisely why..."

Cesare laid his head on my chest. How wonderful it is to be with the loved one. Honestly, I miss Benjamin, but in the end, I don't know if I'll ever see him or the other people from my time again.

"Antonio, I think this is something that attracts me to you..." Cesare said after a moment of silence.

"What exactly?"

"The fact that you're faithful to your vows and oaths... Although it makes me happy, it still makes me feel like a scoundrel that you might break them because of me..."

"You shouldn't feel guilty... I think in the end, this was meant to happen, don't you think?" I replied as I caressed his head.

I'm so sleepy, but I can't fall asleep. Honestly, I miss my books and studies from home. There are entire libraries here, and I'm wasting my time. I don't know what will happen in the future, but if I'm to leave, I want at least to read something during this time. Who knows what pearls I'll find in the books of this era.

"Antonio, what are you thinking about?"

"I'm just thinking that I'd like to find some books to read while I'm here... Could you help me?"

"Sure... The Vatican Library is owned by the Pope, and you just know he wanted to make you its guardian, right?"

"You're right, but I'd better wait for the Cardinal for such things. At least I'd like to study some manuscripts and books, if possible..."

"Sure, tomorrow we'll go to the library, and you'll be able to fulfill your wish."

"Really? I want to kiss you..."

"Who's stopping you, Antonio?" Cesare said with a wicked smile.

After we kissed a few more times, I fell asleep hoping that tomorrow would bring other happy events with my special person, Cesare...

Before falling asleep, I thought... What have I done to be so loved by Cesare? Who am I really to be accepted by such a man? He's totally opposite to me... He's perverse, first of all, and I think it's contagious... Secondly, he's very close to the Pope... Thirdly, he seems so sad when I suffer and so happy when I'm glad. Not to mention the moments when we kiss... I think I'd better do some research. It's my first time, so if we're going to do that thing, I need to be prepared, right?

My dream didn't repeat. This time, Cesare was at the center of my dream, looking at me with delicacy and passion. Honestly, in my dream, he seemed much more beautiful than in reality. Maybe because of the impressively majestic clothes he wore. A diadem that almost surpassed the Pope's and a golden scepter that made me blind due to the light it emanated... Is it just me, or am I kneeling in front of him? I think I'm destined to be his subordinate, right? Although... I don't know what the future holds for me, do I?