Yearning

Gaeseong had brought in a flood of memories she had done her best to suppress. Jay Yi wished she had someone to speak with. She looked at Ga-ram, slumbering beside her, her gaze lingering on Ga-ram's peaceful face. The night was still young, but Ga-ram was exhausted and had fallen asleep. Much as she cherished Ga-ram's friendship, Jay Yi possibly could not burden her with problems that had no solutions. 

Earlier, it had been more uncomplicated because, during the investigation to find the true killer of her family, there had been little time for reflection or dwelling on the past. Her focus had been on her duties as a Eunuch of the Eastern Palace, being with Hwan and ensuring the Crown Prince's safety while deciphering the curse that plagued him. Hwan's presence had been a source of solace for Jay Yi, a balm for her aching sorrow, her love for him filling the emptiness of her heart.

However, the familiar sights and sounds of Gaeseong triggered a wave of emotions that she could no longer ignore. Memories of her time spent in this place, love and loss, happiness and heartache, all came rushing back with an intensity she hadn't anticipated.

Jay Yi's mind wandered to her mother as the night wore on. She could almost imagine the shock and disapproval her mother would express if she saw Jay Yi dressed in men's attire among the esteemed court members. Initially, they had contemplated Jay Yi wearing women's hanboks, then decided they were better off with fewer people knowing her real identity. However, it was one thing to disguise herself as a eunuch for her mission, but wearing men's clothing openly when people knew her as a woman seemed akin to a breach of her identity. At times, it made her uncomfortable. She yearned for the familiarity and comfort of her hanboks. 

 She wondered why she never experienced any inhibitions when she was with Hwan. He always treated her like any other Eunuch, though she admitted that he had been somewhat partial to her from the very beginning. She knew he saw beyond her eunuch disguise, that he had always been aware of her as a woman. She had caught his unguarded gaze, stealing glances at her, which had grown increasingly frequent as days passed, sometimes making her conscious and shy. She saw blood rush to his face whenever she got too uncomfortably close.

The first time she had been assigned to scrub his back while he took a bath, he had made her stand at the far corner of the room facing the wall behind the curtains. Her embarrassed ears had picked up every swish and swirl of the water. What she found funnier was Hwan's distinct red ears. He forbade her entry into his washroom after that, citing her 'incompetence'. That had earned her severe disapproval of Eunuch So and endless glee from Eunuch Kim and Eunuch Cha. It had also successfully averted all future embarrassing outhouse complications. 

However, that made his time confined to the Eastern palace difficult, as he kept her from helping with any of his daily personal routines. A giggle escaped her as she remembered a time he had been livid when she had turned around at the wrong time while he was still not respectably dressed yet, one of the rare instances when he had shown an emotion other than sadness. 

 In the beginning, it had been fun teasing him until she realized she was the one who was in trouble. He had crowded her thoughts every minute of the day since the first time their eyes had met over the blade he had at her throat. He was angry enough to kill her, yet he had taken her to the tent and given her a drink of water, pretending to be worried about it being poisoned. As she had caressed the board that had been pierced repeatedly with Hwan's determination and strength, feelings of profound affinity had filled her being, sending her protective instinct on high alert. The day she woke up to find him by her bed, treating her wound, her heart had almost knocked itself out of her chest. She knew there could be no other man for her, ever. 

 Her anxiety at him thinking she would accept a gift from another man had kept her awake the night he had found out Sung On had gifted her a ribbon. She remembered her panic at his anger. 

 Yet, he never gave her the bracelet he bought after that. What did he do with it? 

 Was she, perhaps, wrong? Did he only see her as a friend, a confidante, someone he relied on during a difficult time?

Yes, you can. Do it. Try it.

It had changed her life. She pushed through self-doubt, confronted her fears, and embraced challenges head-on. The power of those three phrases became a guiding light in her journey during the most challenging time of her life, reminding her that she possessed the strength and capability to overcome any obstacle. 

 Hwan had made it possible. 

Jay Yi tossed and turned restlessly on the soft bed in the small tent she had been assigned for the night with Ga-ram. Hwan had personally seen to their sleeping arrangements and all necessary items they might need as women. His thoughtfulness was boundless. He had an uncanny habit of anticipating her needs before she became aware of them herself.

Jay Yi's thoughts drifted back to the night in the library when Hwan had come to guard her. He had known she would be scared.

 She had not been able to take her eyes off him that night. He was so beautiful, resplendent in his blue, royal dragon robe, the moon throwing his perfect features in sharp relief, his full lips slightly parted as he concentrated on the book he was holding. What was he reading? Did he already not know everything by heart ? 

 Her heart had sung at the thought that he was there for her, to protect her.

She wanted to touch the soft skin of his hands that turned the pages of the book at regular intervals and listen to his beating heart with her ears on his broad hard chest. Her fingers itched to caress his strong jawline.

He suddenly looked up, and she quickly looked away and scrambled to hide her embarrassing thoughts. 

The ridiculousness of her furtive glances had gone on for some time, and she had been caught every time. Finally, Hwan closed the book in his hands with a thud. "Jay Yia, go rest", he commanded. 

 Jay Yi had run, her heart in her mouth. She had tried her best to always hold what was in her heart close to her chest, but some days it was more challenging than others, like tonight. Meekly, she sought the refuge of her quilt to hide her flaming cheeks. 

 He had called her by name again. It made her toes curl, her heart refusing to slow down its clamour. What was wrong with her? How could she let such thoughts cloud her mind? He was the Crown Prince! She was a noblewoman, raised to do better. 

 She was anything but noble tonight. Belatedly she realized she had not even closed the door behind her. But she did not dare to go back and close it. She willed her heart to calm down. She tossed and turned, slowly drifting to sleep as exhaustion finally caught up. 

 Someone was calling her name. It was her father. He was smiling, telling her something, but she could not hear it. He gestured behind her. She turned to see Crown Prince Hwan standing there, smiling at her, his arms wide open. She smiled back when her mother suddenly appeared in front of her, her eyes wide with terror, slowly slumping to the ground; her dress was covered in blood. Jay Yi screamed. Suddenly she saw Tae Gang behind Crown Prince, raising his hand that held a dagger. No, it was Tae San. Jay Yi screamed again, rushing to save the Hwan. She pulled the hairpin out of her bun just as Tae San swung and hit the Crown Prince, blood spurting everywhere. Jay Yi pushed Hwan out of the way and swung the sharp pin at Tae San. He laughed, but instead of stabbing her, he grabbed her shoulders, shaking her, as she wildly turned on him. Hwan called her name. And called again, as Tae San kept shaking her.

 Jay Yi opened her eyes to find herself against a solid chest, a familiar, intoxicating, masculine scent permeating her foggy senses.

Hwan.

His left hand clasped her right wrist, stretched out to hold her hand away from them, while his right hand was wrapped around her shoulders, encircling her in his fold. 

 "Shh, it was a nightmare. You are all right" Hwan's gentle, deep voice grazed her ear. Her head was nestled against his chest. The rhythm of his heart drummed at a steady tandem under her ear pressed against him. "It's all right" his voice was soothing, coming from deep within him, like he was reassuring a terrified child.

"Your Highness…."…a half sob escaped her, perspiration trickling down her back. He patted her back gently.

"You called out for your mother and then me. Did you see her in the dream?" 

 She swallowed. "She…." Jay Yi swallowed again as she recalled the bloodied image of her mother, blinking back tears. 

 Hwan drew her stretched hand closer, loosening his clasp on her wrist and cradled it tenderly, close to his chest. "I am sorry, Jay Yi. I know what the pain of losing a mother feels like. I can't get her back, but I am here if you want to let it out". 

 She nodded, resting her forehead against the comfort of his reassuring shoulder. "The last I saw her, she had blood all over her. In my dreams, all I see is her covered in blood." She wiped her cheek with her free hand. But the force of her misery was too great, the river of tears refusing to stem. 

 He cradled her as she quietly sobbed. She realized she never had an opportunity to properly grieve over her lost family. His large frame rocked her gently. A sense of security washed over her, leaving her feeling cocooned. Slowly, the tension seeped out of her body. 

 "I saw you getting hurt too. It was horrible." Jay hiccupped.

He sighed. 

 "Are you better now?" his voice was deeper, huskier. 

 She knew it had been a dream, but it seemed so real. Unconsciously, she let her free hand run over Hwan's shoulders to check if he was hurt. All she could feel was solid unbroken muscles that rippled under her palms. Relief flooded through her.

She heard his sharp intake of breath and felt him stiffen under her touch. It was then she realized how inappropriately they were sitting. She was still clutching her hairpin in her fist. She quickly dropped it and tried to pry herself away from him. 

He didn't let her go. She looked up and found him looking at her, his face now inches from her, lips slightly parted.

"Jay Yi…I.."….his grip on her wrist tightened, his fingers digging into her back. His hand clasped hers, her fingers fanning his chest under the pressure of his large hand. He searched her face. Her heart raced, and she could hear his heart thunder under her palms.

His tumultuous gaze dropped to her lips. A strange lethargy enveloped her, an unfamiliar excitement building at the pit of her stomach, a painful throb of need that she could not identify shooting through her body.

Something was happening to them. Hwan lowered his head, his lips inches from hers, his breath hot on her, his breathing laboured.

Was he going to kiss her? Is this what being kissed felt like? 

 "Your Highness…" she whispered, her heart hammering against her chest in anticipation. 

 He froze, and his eyes snapped back to hers. He inhaled sharply, closing his eyes. He sat still, holding her. Then he suddenly let go of her and stood up abruptly, his hands clenched. 

A sudden rush of cold air slapped Jay Yi's body. Her cheeks were on fire, and she felt strangely deprived. She dragged the quilt over her. 

 "I am sorry, Your Highness, for troubling you ", her voice sounded raw to her ears. She wanted him to hold her again. She wanted her hands back on his chest. She wanted his lips to touch hers. Jay Yi clenched her eyes shut at the impolite thoughts racing through her mind. 

 She heard water slosh into a bowl. "Since when have you been having these nightmares?" Hwan was gruff as he held the water bowl to her. 

 She bowed her head to him before taking the bowl, careful not to touch his fingers. "I used to have them more in the beginning and had them for a bit after Paju, but this is the first time since then". She gulped the water down her parched throat. 

 "Tae San's appearance probably brought it on". Hwan mused. 

 She nodded. 

 "Why did you not tell me before?" 

 She looked at him wordlessly before depositing the bowl on the side table. 

 "What would it achieve? Would you come and babysit me here all night to prevent them?" she said tartly and regretted it immediately. "I am sorry, Your Highness", she whispered, looking away. 

 He chuckled. "At least I get to hear a sorry from you finally for being rude". 

 That earned him a silent glare. He chuckled some more. 

 His look gentled. "I have a tonic that helps lessen anxiety. I took some after I got those letters," he sighed. "It's my fault; I should have thought about how your family's loss would have affected you. I am sorry, I didn't think of it earlier." 

 Her heart skipped a beat again and then folded over. His gentleness had always been her undoing. 

"I am already doing better, Your Highness." 

He tilted his head slightly, his expressive eyes looking right through her. "Must you always try to brave it out alone, Jay Yi?" his soft voice washed over her, making her heart ache. "I share everything with you. Why can you not? I am here, I will always try to support you the best I can," and "to protect you always" his voice was barely over a whisper as he looked down at her, his eyes earnest as they always were. 

She could not help but smile. "And I will protect you", she repeated, her voice filled with the usual fervour. 

He looked at her, his deep eyes filled with concern and something else she had a hard time reading as if he was trying to do a problematic mental calculation and was surprised by the answer.

 "Try to get some sleep tonight. I will make some for you tomorrow". 

With that, he left the room, closing the door decisively behind him. 

Jay Yi drifted back to her present, listening to Ga-ram softly snoring beside her. She blushed, and her toes curled at the thought of herself in Hwan's arms that night. Something had changed between them after that. She sighed. They learned that Crown Princess Han had been selected as Hwan's bride-to-be the following day. Her heart had shattered into millions of pieces, but she had made peace with it.

Yet Hwan would not let Jay Yi out of sight. He went with her to Manyeodang. Next few nights, he saw her to the library and waited until she closed the door behind her, including the fateful night when she had been caught by the murdered body of the late Crown Princess Han.

He had looked heartbroken when she had poured her heart out to him back in the prison. He had sat there quietly, looking at her, his body wracking in silent sobs. 

She was not wrong. Her Prince loved her. She also understood why he would never speak of it to her. To him, it would always be something that she should never know. 

She thought their path forward had been clear. They were like sides of a meandering river. Hwan would find happiness in bringing peace to Joseon, doing his duty as a Crown Prince, and eventually rising to the throne. She would cheer for him when he married and produced the heirs as befitted his station as the Crown Prince. She would do everything she could to support him and watch him become the benevolent king he was destined to be from afar. She would carve out an independent life, teach children, and hopefully solve some cases. Was that not how she had envisioned her life? 

Then why did it make her so miserable?