The Maverick And The Prudent

She was in there for a long time. 

A lone light flickered at the corner by the porcelain chamber pot. Jay Yi stood by the wash basin she had filled with fresh water from the massive water storage drum standing next to the door when she walked in to keep her hands busy and stop her mind from going crazy. She absent-mindedly toed the quilt on the floor that puddled around her ankles. Her dress, which she had folded neatly when she had worn the blasted eunuch tunic, lay in a peach and cream tousle on the long, rectangular oak table behind her that sat low on the ground. 

She could picture Hwan bunching the hem of her dress in his hands and burrowing his face in it. Jay Yi knew he would be crushed at what had happened between them even more than she was. The thought did nothing to cool her fury. The chamber was chilly, but it felt good as goosebumps spread over her nude body, the cold helping to numb the raw sting from the harsh, heartless denial of release her body craved. The small alcove with shelves by the far corner opened to a tiny nook with a secret door that led outside the library, which could only be opened from the inside. Jay Yi was so tempted to step out from there and not return to face Hwan.

Jay Yi rested her hands on the table that cradled the blue and white washbowl, putting her weight on it as she leaned in. A pale, wet, pinched face stared back from the gilded mirror atop it. The warm glow from the lanterns hanging above the washbasin sparkled back from the water she had dipped her hands in moments ago. She tilted her head back, trying to release the pressure from her aching neck, the engraved wood of the ceiling a blur of light and shadow. 

She splashed the cold water some more, the sprays pricking her face, sorely wishing for a tub of water she could sink in to wash away the unwanted feeling of humiliation that refused to leave her. Thunder clapped outside, mimicking the tumultuous churning of emotions ravaging her senselessly. It was going to rain - a detached part of her that seemed to watch everything from a vantage point observed.

Deep inside, Jay Yi's heart told her Hwan was trying to do what was honourable. 

She didn't want honourable. She had wanted him, all of him, for once, unrestrained from all the trappings that waited for them outside of this little place. 

The maverick Jay Yi, who had jumped walls and ventured into the hostile world, braved wild animals and frigid waters and had once brazenly declared her love for her man, wanted to throw caution and convention in the wind, submerge herself in that man she loved brokenly, and have him accept that. The prudent Jay Yi, who had once given up her independence to tie herself to an unknown man just to keep her family's prestige, would follow every convention the patriarchal rule book threw at her and strive to become a good mother and wife to the man she loved brokenly, even at the cost of sacrificing herself. 

Her free, inhibited spirit had no place in Hwan's world. No matter how much Hwan wanted the maverick to stay alive within her, the carefree Jay Yi was always someone on the fringe of the real world, always looking in, never a part of it, and always would be, unless the prudent, worldly-wise Jay Yi allowed her in disguised as someone else. 

Hwan wanted the impossible and played with fire, only to burn himself and turn her to cinders.

She should have stepped back. She should have left when Hwan had asked her to. Furious with herself, she angrily brushed away the tear that rolled off the corner of her eye, a sudden sense of suffocation pressing down on her chest.

Had she not known that someday, the maverick Jay Yi would have to leave forever? It was now time to let her go for good. Jay Yi took a deep breath as she forced herself to calm down. She would not deviate from her path again. She would make herself the best Queen Joseon had ever seen.

Trembling hands, borne out of frustration, resentment, and anger, hindered the fastenings of her dress. Jay Yi tried to draw the strips of silk to fasten her skirt at the back, but the loops kept slippping, the angles of her twisted arms trying to reach behind her, making the task almost impossible. A slew of curses poured from her. Giving up, she twisted them into two simple double knots, one over the other. With her skirt secure, she donned her jeogori and stepped out of the washroom.

Hwan was waiting for her right outside the door. 

Without meeting his eyes, she bowed her curtsy. "I apologise, Your Majesty, I could not leave earlier than this as you ordered." She kept her voice as neutral as possible. 

She skirted him, making her way to the steps to leave, her footsteps fast and hurried.

Hwan intercepted Jay Yi, grabbing her arm and pulling her back.

"It was reprehensible of me. I am sorry, I did not mean it, Jay Yi. Please - Don't go." 

She tried to shake her arm free from his vice grip, refusing to look at him.

"Let me at least tie your skirt -" He drew her back. Wordlessly, he lifted the back of her jacket, released the double knots and looped the fabric strips into flowery knots before pulling and straightening her jeogori back into position. 

Grasping her upper arms, he turned her to face him. Jay Yi looked so achingly beautiful, with her face flushed, eyes red, lips full and swollen, and hair slightly tousled, some of it a little wet from the water she had splashed on her face. To the discerning eye, a woman thoroughly loved by her man. To the undiscerning, she could have woken up from an unexpected slumber. To him, a reminder of his heartbreaking blunder. To her, a tainted memory of her trust gone awry. 

He straightened her ornament that hung by a string from beneath her jacket and fixed the yellow Jebiburi daenggi adorning the top of her head. 

She bowed and gave him her 'thank you,' trying to leave one more time, but he did not release her from the circle of his arms. She held him off with her hands on the defined muscles of his chest, her chin almost touching her collarbones. 

"You know I did not mean it. Don't go, please. I am sorry," the catch in Hwan's voice was unmistakable.

He caught her chin in a gentle grip. Jay Yi shook it free, turning her head away. A vein in her temple throbbed under her luminous skin.

"Jay Yi...." Hwan pleaded.

"Please leave me alone, Your Majesty," Jay Yi snapped. 

"Jay Yi, I am sorry, I am an idiot. What happened should not -" 

"It's not important." She pushed him away, turning.

"It was my fault - I should have had better control, I am sorry -"

Jay Yi rounded on him, her eyes dilated, furious. "Don't you dare say sorry!"

Hwan looked at her flushed face, still raw with tears he made her shed, her bleak look carving out a painful crevice in his mind. He reached out to cup her face, and she stepped back, flinching. 

"You do not know what it cost me, Jay Yi, but you understand I had to cease," he reasoned.

"Of course. Everything for you is tied to duty. You must do what is right and morally correct." She tried to blink away her tears.

"It's not that simple. Think about it. No one is aware you are here with me."

"So what? You repeatedly claim that you don't want me to change who I am," she remarked, her laughter devoid of humour. "I tried it there," Jay Yi pointed at the bed with her chin, "It didn't work out too well, did it?"

Hwan looked at her, trying to make sense of what she was saying.

Jay Yi was too angry to process his confused look.

"What are you saying? What has that got anything to do with... I just wanted to spare you the hurt and -"

She spoke over him, scoffing. "But it didn't work, did it? You are clueless about what truly hurts."

Hwan blinked. Did she really not understand....?

"Jay Yi, do you even understand or know what would have happened if we continued?" Hwan tried to reason.

"Your Majesty would have been blemished for losing his iron-clad control?"

"No, that is not true!" Hwan retorted. The lines on his face shifted and became softer as he gentled. Taking her hand, Hwan said tenderly, "Come with me. We need to talk." 

She jerked it free. "What is there to talk about? We tumble into bed when you want to, and then your Confucian principles barge in, so you shun me."

"I did not shun you, far from it - I could barely stop myself, Jay Yi. Even now..." He left it unfinished, looking away.

A sarcastic gurgle emitted from Jay Yi's throat. She looked at Hwan with a strange, cold scepticism. "Today, you asked me to leave this chamber. What's next? Asking me to leave your life?"

A terrible fear arched through his body. Dragging her closer, his hands biting into her upper arms, Hwan roared into her face, "Please do not do this. Why are you saying something so vile?"

Jay Yi tipped her head to look at him, enraged. "Because I do not know if you will accept me as I am two years from now, ten years from now - I have always been like this, shameless, untamed, rough, and doing what my heart feels like....a wanton..."

Red-hot anger clouded Hwan's vision for a moment at her harsh words. He released her, the force rocking her on her heels. "You are none of that, and you know it! Watch what you are saying. I will not have you use foul language to score a point."

"Score a point?" She sputtered in disbelief. 

He cupped her face in desperation. "I know I hurt you. I acted poorly, but please understand that you could not have gone to detached Palace without them discovering that -"

"-that I slept with a man? Your Majesty, I am hardly the prim and proper Joseon maiden or ignorant of a man-woman relationship. And I am an investigator. Do you think it did not cross my mind? Yes, they might have found out and eventually know it was you. So what?" She slapped his hands away.

Stunned at her naivety, Hwan bristled. "So what! Do you want to self-destruct?"

"I would rather do that than ever be humiliated again!"

Their eyes locked, one desperate, the other furious. Their ears pounded.

He pointed to the accursed bed that stood between them like an abyss, " I am not sorry for loving you as I did or for stopping when I did. However, I loathe myself for causing you shame, and I do not know how to make up for it. You have to know I never meant to hurt you. Why do you not believe me?" 

She raised a finger and poked his chest, past caring, her rage obscuring her rational senses. "Oh! I believe you! But do you understand that I consciously chose to bed you? That I walked into it with eyes wide open?" She curled her hand into a fist, tapping her chest, "Do you realise this is the Jay Yi you have insisted I keep being? This Jay Yi does not care what others think!" 

"If you do not care, Jay Yi, why do you object to me meeting you during your morning walks?"

Jay Yi blinked, her hands falling to her side, his change of topic winding her. "That is different."

"How is it different?"

Jay Yi sucked in an angry drag of air, her overwrought senses lacerating her ability to see past Hwan's heavy-handedness.

"Because this was my choice! Being Min Jay Yi!" She gestured widely around the room where candles and lanterns created intricate shadows around the numerous hanging rope pulls and lattice dividers, "I-I pleaded with you not to stop...You had no right - no right - how could you ask me to leave like that - !" Jay Yi said, her voice heavy with unshed tears, bitterly rejecting his callous dismissal even though it cloaked a benevolent gesture. 

"What can I do to make it better, Jay Yi?" Hwan tried to keep his voice from breaking.

"By accepting that the carefree Jay Yi cannot exist anymore." Her voice was curt, almost cold.

"It's true I don't want you to change, but I don't want you to ruin yourself, either. Must it be one or the other?" -" Hwan's voice cracked.

"You promised me three perks when I agreed to be your Queen. I'd like to ask my first one." 

The muscle ticked in Hwan's jaw. "This is not the time to ask for something like that. You are too angry."

"You still do not understand, do you, Your Majesty? In future, please do not make my decisions for me. I understand that it is not always possible when I am your subject. But as your wife, give me the right to accept or deny, and that is what I ask of you."

The pounding got louder.

It took them a while to realise the pounding in their ears was amplified by the jarring intrusion of knocks coming from outside. Someone was insistently banging on the outside door, the interlocked circular handles jangling violently.

"I will not meet you again until our marriage, Your Majesty." She threw over her shoulders as Jay Yi ran up the stairs two at a time, with Hwan following her, exiting the room without looking at or acknowledging him as he reluctantly drew the panels close behind her. 

Give me the right to accept or deny. Hwan exhaled raggedly into the empty air. She had given herself selflessly, uninhibited, and instead of telling her how much he cherished it, he had ruined it in his haste to get away from her. He had reinforced her fear that he would turn away from her if she did not fit into his world. He leaned against the door, clenching his eyes shut with self-loathing. 

In trying to protect her, he had effectively suffocated her in his golden cage.

"Bin-ssi!" Hwan could hear a young woman's tearful voice through the door. "You must come with us right away. The Dowager had Seo-Bin taken to her chambers and has ordered thirty lashes for her."

Remorse took a backseat as wrath replaced it with a vengeance. 

Jay Yi walked into a sight at her detached Palace. Three of her court ladies were kneeling, grovelling, while court lady Kim had a tirade going.

It was evident the cause of the commotion differed from the case of Seon Bin getting thirty lashes. 

The already thin lips stretched into a thinner line as court lady Kim took in Jay Yi's not-quite-perfect appearance, her perfectly respectful greeting as stiff as a scarecrow. The hem of Jay Yi's dress had caught the splash of rain as they had hurried from the library, and the bottom of her skirt sloshed, making it heavy with swaths of it sticking uncomfortably to her calves and ankles as she walked. The windy rain had drenched a part of her hair, thankfully making up for all the splashes of cold water Jay Yi had subjected her face to in the washroom. Jay Yi prayed no one would notice the loops of the skirt on her back that Hwan had tied because she had no way of knowing if they looked any different from how the court ladies tied them. A barely imperceptible twitch all but announced to Jay Yi how displeased Court Lady Kim was at the spectacle she made. Court Lady Kim turned on the young kneeling ladies. "How dare you leave Bin-ssi unattended!" she admonished them sharply.

"How are you here, Court Lady Kim? Where is Court Lady Bin?" She was supposed to have left after her shift, with Court Lady Bin filling in as always. 

"I let her go from your service, Bin-ssi," Kim bowed, disapproval rolling off her rigid body in spades. 

"What? Why?" Court Lady Bin was a gentle and malleable soul, often giving Jay Yi the much-needed reprieve from court-lady Kim's harsh though well-meaning treatment. And from what it seemed, poor court-lady Bin was now in a lot of trouble.

Court lady Kim walked over and took a circle around Jay Yi. 

"Prepare the tub."

Startled, Jay Yi looked at her. "Why do you need to fill the tub?"

"You have been outside unchaperoned for a while, and your appearance looks dishevelled. You cannot be seen like this by anyone."

"Oh! That is because I fell asleep in the library," Jay Yi gave a forced laugh.

The loud gasps that greeted her announcement were the harbinger of impending trouble, of that Jay Yi had no doubt.

"You fell asleep?" The court lady who had fetched her from the library exclaimed in shock. 

Jay Yi looked at them in confusion. Everyone had paled.

What was going on? 

"My lady, forgive us. We missed our duties," the kneeling court ladies wailed. 

"I will see to your punishment later -"

"They do not need to be punished, Court Lady Kim. I asked them to leave as it would rain. As I mentioned before you left for the day that I planned to stay longer, and waiting outside for an indefinite period does not make sense." Having once been a part of such a retinue, Jay Yi had an acute dislike of waiting outside in the elements. 

"Bin-ssi, It is their duty, which is why they exist. You must not go against the rules. They are never to leave you alone, even if you order them to. That order can only come from Your Highness the Princess Dowager or His Majesty himself. You do not know all the etiquette of the Palace yet, Bin-ssi. You are never to take a wink anywhere but your sleeping chamber, My Lady. I cannot forgive myself for letting you make this mistake. The court ladies must get their punishment." Turning to the hapless younger court ladies, she barked, "Move!"

The women bowed to Jay Yi and fled from the room. 

Jay Yi, who had never been scared of anything or anyone in her life, not even the royals, hated to admit Court Lady Kim frightened her.

A whirlwind of a quick bath, vigorous combing, punishing fingers braiding her hair and a robust application of an aromatic cream to her entire body later, Jay Yi was stuffed and strung up in a midnight blue and deep pink hanbok, ready to meet the Dowager. 

The thoroughness of the routine in such a short period unsettled Jay Yi. Appalled, Jay Yi belatedly realised they had even discreetly checked for injury. 

She didn't have time to think anymore, her mind going out to the little girl. Seon Bin would not survive the lashes, and even if she did, it would cause her grievous injury she might never recover from. She had a plan and prayed it would work. 

Though still furious with Hwan, she wished he was there by her side. If she failed, she would need him to help save Seon Bin. 

Resolute, she stepped out. This was her first challenge in the Royal Palace, and she would win it, no matter what.