A Leap Of Faith

Was she dreaming? 

I love you.

It had rooted her to the spot. She had known for a long time that he loved her deeply, but to hear him say the words had shaken her core. 

Her mind had refused to register Hwan was standing in her courtyard so early in the morning when she first laid her eyes on him, looking every inch the King that he was, his debonair looks in perfect harmony with the apricot tree swaying rhythmically in the vast courtyard enclosed by tall walls on one side and the aristocratic structure of the villa on the other.

Come with me. Jay Yi had thought Hwan was jesting. Her heart had soared for a moment, but then disbelief took over. 

Come with him and do what? Become his head eunuch? The funny thought had curved her mouth into a self-deprecating half-smile. How could he even be here? Was he not supposed to be getting married?

Jay Yi then surmised the woman chosen to be his Queen was possibly still settling down in the detached Palace, so he was still free, at least until the marriage took place. 

For over a year now, she had lived her lonely life in this beautiful but barren villa, and he had never visited her, even once. Hence, she could be forgiven for not recognising him from behind or even thinking he was real. His words had sounded even more unreal. 

This is my answer to your confession....

Yet, the drumming heart beneath her told her he was undeniably real. 

His chest under her cheek felt as solid as ever, steadfast, reliable, honest, his warm embrace her harbour. 

I love you.

The words she had waited to hear for what felt like a lifetime. She gently extracted herself from his embrace and looked up at him. 

His gaze told her what a thousand words could not. They sparkled with overwhelming emotions, wordlessly cradling the vast ocean of his love for the world to see. 

Hwan cupped her face gently, his touch almost feather light, as if he was afraid she would vaporise if he exerted any pressure. With his other hand on her waist, he pulled her closer, his mouth covering her. She closed her eyes, hoping it was not a delirious dream of her longing, tortured heart.

There was nothing illusionary about the pressure of his mouth on hers. Today, his lips demanded nothing. Instead, whisperingly soft, they wandered in a gentle surrender and a tangible promise, tenderly coaxing them apart. Her heart thumped with euphoria as her mouth opened to its own volition. The long, translucent pink beads of his gat gently swayed between them. She could feel the floating petals of the apricot blossoms swirling around. She felt something moist, like a tear, touch her cheek. Were they hers? His? 

He lifted his head. She opened her eyes. Her fingers reached out and cupped his jaw, a moist tear greeting her warm palm. Her thumb stroked it away tenderly. 

"Will you come with me now?" 

She nodded wordlessly. 

He closed his eyes, his hand tightening on her waist. Then he planted a soft kiss on her forehead. 

"Is there anything urgent you want to take with you? I will have everything else you need packed and sent to the Palace. Ga-ram should be on her way to help."

"Ga-ram? She knows?"

Hwan nodded. "I stopped by at Manyeodang before coming here. I know I am rushing you, but we need to hurry."

So like Hwan, Jay Yi thought with a smile. Once his mind was made up, nothing could stop him.

"I need to get a few things." Jay Yi paused, a pensive expression spreading on her face.

"Is there something worrying you?" 

"Won't it be awkward?" Jay Yi felt shy and concerned. Going to the Palace so close to his impending marriage would raise some awkward questions. "Are you sure you want to do this, Your Majesty?"

Hwan could sense the hesitancy in her. He could promise her the sun, moon and stars, but this was Jay Yi, and nothing but pragmatic truth worked with her. "I have never been more sure of anything else, Jay Yi." Hwan gently held her hands. "I know this is sudden and hard for you, and life in the Palace will not be easy, but living without you is now impossible. Do you not feel the same?" 

She could feel a slight tremor run through his body.

"We will make this work. Please have faith in me, Jay Yi. In us."

Jay Yi swallowed, still uncertain how to bring up the matter of his Queen. No matter how much training a woman received as a future queen, having a concubine taking residence at the same time as her marriage would not go down well with any hot-blooded woman, no matter how well raised. Then, there was this matter of her own possessive nature, which could get Jay Yi thrown out even before she had a chance of a life with Hwan. "What about the Lady already in the Palace? How would she react? Does she know?" Jay Yi could not bring herself to utter the word queen or marriage while holding Hwan's hands. 

Hwan looked at her, a little thrown off by her question. His great Aunt Dowager? He sighed. Being the current head of the Queen's quarters, the old woman could be a little challenging, and truth be told, she could make Jay Yi's life difficult, but only until Jay Yi assumed the mantle. 

He cradled her face in his palm. "She does, but only the bare minimum. She knows you are the only one I want by my side, so she is not happy, I hear. I will not lie. It might be a little tricky initially, but trust me, you will have a lot of help handling her. And I have faith in you. If there is someone who can find ways to win over someone, it's you." Hwan chuckled, his thumb stroking her cheekbone, "Moreover, once she sees your formidable side, I am sure she will only want you as her friend." 

Jay Yi could tell it was not easy for Hwan, either. Desperation of love had brought him to her, but binds of duty would keep taking him away from her, too. She had to learn to share him. 

"May I request something from you, Your Majesty?"

"What is it?" Instantly, she could sense concern in Hwan's voice.

She nestled her face a little deeper in his palm. "Can I be the only woman in your life with access to the little library palace?"

Hwan could not help but laugh out loud in immense relief. "It will always be your safe space, Jay Yi. I promise."

Jay Yi gave him a tremulous smile. "Then I promise I will do my best not to get thrown out for my temper." 

Two pairs of eyes studied him curiously as he waited for Jay Yi. They belonged to two eleven, at the most twelve-year-old girls, standing with their hands folded in front, their posture strangely defiant. 

"Who is it you want to see, Master?" One of them asked timidly. 

Hwan smiled. They must be the two girls he had sent to Jay Yi from the Palace. 

"I am here to see Lady Min," he replied. 

"Lady Min does not meet anyone unless she knows them. We do not think we have seen you before." The tone was defensive, almost combative.

Within the year, Jay Yi had turned them from demure mice to feisty badgers, Hwan thought amusingly. 

He hunched to their level. "Let me guess, you must be Shin Dai ri and Shin Tai ri."

"How do you know, Master? Never mind, we are not allowed to speak with strangers. Master Min is not here. So you should come back later." 

Hwan chuckled.

"I see. What if I told you I am here to take your Lady Min away?"

Both the girls gasped loudly, forgetting all about decorum. "Take her? Where? Why?" 

Their tiny feet ate up the distance between them and Hwan quickly. He could read the hero worship in their eyes from miles away.

Footsteps alerted them to more company. Hwan slowly rose to his feet as Ga-ram and Tae Kang came to stand next to them. 

"You can't take her away!"

"Tai ri! Dai Ri!" Ga-ram scolded them, appalled. Hwan raised his hand to ask Ga-ram to keep quiet.

"You both can come with your mistress, too. Would you both like to come back to the Palace?" 

They looked at each other, then back at him. "Palace?" They chorused, confused. 

"Can I come with Aasshi too, Your Majesty?" Ga-ram asked. Her eyes were red. 

"Your Majesty?" The girls chorused again. Then, with a deep bow, a quivering, "Your Majesty!"

"Why don't you both pack some clothes so you could come with Lady Min?" Hwan asked the girls. 

The girls stood there, still shocked.

Hwan turned to Ga-ram. "If you came with her, who will be with Master Myung Jin?" 

Ga-ram looked down, her shoulders shaking in a silent sob. 

"Jay Yi has me, Jung Ga-ram, but Master Myung Jin has only you. And you can come to see Jay Yi whenever you want. I will ensure that," he promised. 

Jay Yi reappeared, clutching the box of ribbons he had presented her and a small knapsack on her back. 

His beautiful bride was ready to go home. Hwan felt a thrill of excitement course through his body. 

"Aasshi! You cannot go dressed like that!" Ga-ram sounded scandalised.

Surprised, Hwan gave Jay Yi a glance. She looked fine to him, dressed in a finely embroidered cream jacket and rust silk skirt. She even had a purple ribbon from the ribbon box in her hair. Apparently, Jay Yi thought so too. 

"I think this is quite all right," Jay Yi argued, giving herself a cursory look.

"I agree with Jung Ga-ram," the smaller of the two little girls said. 

"Aashi, you are going to be the Queen, you must dress in a manner that befits your royal position. Great Master Min and My Lady Madam Min would also want that. You cannot go to the Palace like that! You know how particular your mother was about these things, Aasshi!"

A wave of acute embarrassment washed over Jay Yi. Throwing Hwan a look that was a mixture of alarm and mortification at the misconception, Jay Yi hastened to correct Ga-ram. "Ga-rama, it is not like that." Pulling Ga-ram by hand, she whispered, "I am not going to be the Queen. The Lady chosen for that role is already at the Palace. I do not know what position His Majesty has in mind for me...." 

"What are you saying, Aasshi! You are not going to be the Queen?" Ga-ram shrieked with all the finesse of a sledgehammer. 

Jay Yi clamped a hand over Ga-ram's mouth, who turned her eyes to Hwan, Jay Yi's hand covering half of her face, making Ga-ram's eyes look like saucers.

It was Hwan's turn to look puzzled. What was this about? 

"Ga-ram, just don't blurt whatever comes to your mouth. Why do you have to be like this?" Jay Yi scolded, thoroughly embarrassed.

 "What do you mean you will not be the Queen?" Hwan asked. What did he miss? 

Hwan was not alone. His surprise was mirrored in all adult eyes focused on her.

"I don't understand -" Jay Yi suddenly blanched as realisation hit her. "You are taking me to the Palace to be your Queen?"

The look of perplexity on Hwan was so stark that it looked comical. "Why else would I take you there?"

Jay Yi almost lost the box she was clutching. She stepped back, shaking her head. "Queen?" She squeaked. "But you already have a woman in the Palace...you lifted the marriage ban..." she trailed off.

"A woman in the Palace?" Hwan's brows came together in confusion, his eyes searching the wall behind her as if the answer would be written there. Jay Yi knew the exact moment comprehension hit Hwan. A muscle spasmed in Hwan's throat. "I was talking about my Great Aunt Princess Lady Hyegyeong. What do you take me for? You think I am smuggling you to the Palace while I wait to marry another woman?" 

"I didn't think like that...." A look of pure terror flashed through Jay Yi's eyes. "I can't be the Queen. I don't even know how to walk. I would not know what to do...I will make you a terrible queen, Your Majesty. I do not even qualify..." Jay Yi was getting hysterical, the weight on her shoulders feeling like double iron chests.

She is panicking. Hwan thought with a pang, suddenly realising he had sprung a terrible burden on her without giving her time to prepare.

"Your Majesty," Tae Kang interjected, "a crowd has already gathered outside. It might be wise to take the conversation inside."

Turning around, Hwan made short of the steps. "Follow me."

Hwan marched into the farthest door leading from the main room. Flinging it open, he stepped onto a matted floor. Soft footsteps followed him as Jay Yi entered, closing the door. Hwan had a quick impression of a rolled bedding of earthen colours on a side, and Hanji covered walls decorated with wall hangings painted in vibrant colours, diffusing the light and leaving the room with a warm morning glow. A small table sat at the far end of the room, flanked by cushions. 

Jay Yi still clutched the ribbon box to her chest. As their eyes met, Jay Yi felt a fresh surge of panic. What was she thinking! She could not go through this.

"I-I can't, Your Majesty," her voice broke.

Gently prying the chest from her numb fingers, Hwan looked around for a place to keep it. He walked over to the table and sat down, placing the box on its polished surface. 

"Sit," he ordered her. 

Shimmying the shoulders to remove the knapsack from her back, Jay Yi smoothed her skirt nervously and sat down, facing him, her hands folded demurely in her lap.

 "What can you not, Jay Yi?"

"I am not- I cannot be your Queen. It's preposterous. I have been accused of being a criminal, I do not have parents, I can't sit still...I...."

"When you agreed to come with me to the Palace, what were you thinking?" Hwan forced his voice to be neutral.

Jay Yi blushed pink. "I-I thought...."

"That I am taking you to be my concubine?"

Jay Yi nodded, miserable.

"If I had wanted you as a concubine, I could have done that months ago. Do you not understand? The rosy Palace life you waxed eloquent about is but a fool's dream. Leave alone having a run of the Palace, as a concubine, you would be sitting in an annexe, under the mercy of whoever runs the Queen's quarters, with both of us hoping you would quickly beget a child for you to be promoted. That would be life-sapping. Is that the life you want?"

"I never had the time to think it through, Your Majesty. I don't know what to say. However, I will not do justice to the honour you want to bestow upon me." 

"If I were to do as you request, you might end up despising me. I don't want to take you to the Palace to lose you," Hwan's voice was gruff. Just when he thought he had finally broken all the barriers, Jay Yi swiftly erected a new one. "I can never have it easy with you, can I?"

"I am not trying to be difficult!" Jay Yi cried out. 

"Do you know how difficult it has been to bend selection rules and figure out ways not to get burdened by a woman who could hamper your coming to me?"

"You bent selection rules?" Jay Yi's mouth formed a shocked, comical 'Oh".

 There was a knock on the door. Ga-ram entered with a tray. She gently placed it on the table and bowed.

The tension in the air was so thick that even a butcher's knife would not cut it. Ga-ram sent Jay Yi a worried glance. 

This must be the most unromantic response to a proposal in the history of lovers, Jay Yi thought miserably. Yet, she could not calm the panic inside her.

"I am standing just outside, Your Majesty, Aasshi, if you need me."

Hwan nodded at her. 

Jay Yi hastened to pour the tea into the cups. 

"Jung Ga-ram, tell Tae Kang to send word that we will be delayed to the Min House." Ga-ram bowed and walked backwards before exiting the door. 

Jay Yi's head snapped up, "Min House?"

"You are my beloved Master's daughter. How can I take you as my bride without his permission first? We are headed to Min Gae Sik's house. They await your arrival so the royal proposal letter from the Ministry of Rites can be submitted to your ancestral temple."

"Unlce Min Gae Sik is in Hanyang?"

Hwan nodded and sighed. He was letting his fear twist his common sense into a tangled ball of frustration.

"I am sorry, Jay Yi. I did not think this through enough. It took us almost two weeks to put all the arrangements in place so your transition to the Palace could be as smooth as I could make it." He sipped from his cup thoughtfully. 

Jay Yi followed suit as they sat silently for the following few minutes. 

"I had to make sure the Court did not have any reason to go up in arms at the thought of bending selection rules. Having a Queen or Queen Dowager might have made things more difficult. Thankfully, that was one less hurdle. However, it must be intimidating for you to know everything all at once." 

"Please do not get me wrong, Your Majesty. I want nothing more than to get up every morning and see your face. It's just that I don't think..." she trailed off.

Hwan kept the tiny cup in his hand with more force than the poor vessel could sustain. Jay Yi could feel the shudder that the little cup had.

She quickly poured him some more tea, her head bent so he would not read her chaotic mind in her eyes. 

"If you do not want to wear the Crown, I will respect your wish. I was ready to do it before. There is no reason I cannot do it now."

"What do you mean you were ready to do it before?"

"Bring you in as a concubine. Remember that day by the stream? That is what I wanted to tell you. But of course, you had to keep talking..." Hwan chuckled at Jay Yi's sheepish expression, which turned into a bleak look.

"This is why I can't be a candidate. I talk too much. Does that mean you must start looking for a Queen again?" Jay Yi wondered if he could hear her heart because it pounded so loud. While she did not want the Crown, she did not want another woman in his life either. She was such a wimp!

Hwan shook his head. "No. It does not change anything. I will simply not marry to have a Queen. You will be the only one."

Jay Yi gasped, her teacup sloshing. "You cannot do that!"

Shrugging, he swirled his tea before taking a quick sip and depositing the cup back on the polished table. "That is the only way around what you propose. I may go down the annals of the history as the King with no Queen."

Jay Yi returned his compelling gaze and knew he meant it. "I cannot let you do that!"

Contemplating her silently, Hwan gave her a brooding look. "I'm not saying this to force you into anything. I understand you don't want to wear the Crown. You do not have to."

"How can I dare to think about making a decision about Joseon's Crown, Your Majesty? It's simply that I doubt my ability to truly fulfil its responsibilities."

Hwan looked away and sat quietly. He undid the strings of his gat, placing the tall hat beside him. Jay Yi knew he was thinking deeply and needed to keep his hands occupied. The jade buttons above his ears gleamed in the muted light, the tiny golden crown atop his bun making him look more handsome by the second. Jay Yi tore her eyes away from him.

"For a moment, let us forget the previous conversations. Let me start again. You already know what Palace life is like and entails. Does living in the Palace bother you?"

Honest eyes looked up at him as she shook her head. "You know it's not that! I - I am somehow one of those who love that place...I can't explain its logic, but I love everything about it. I know what you said about life there if I went as a concubine, still..."

"Did you not say you had read extensively about the duties of the Queen?'

Her brain quickly figured out where this was going. Annoyed at his infantile style of reasoning, Jay Yi nodded. "Yes! And I know what you are trying to do, Your Majesty."

"And that would be-?"

"You are trying to convince me otherwise."

"Please answer my questions," Hwan ordered and continued, unperturbed. Chastied, Jay Yi looked down at her hands. Knowing Hwan, he would sit here all night if needed until he had successfully persuaded her. 

"Would you agree that Master Min and Lady Min did their best to train you for every role possible as a noblewoman?"

"Yes." Her face softened as she thought of her parents. Her mother would have been so happy today. But her father would not have been happy. Ironically, he had actively fought against her coming to the Palace. Jay Yi downed a swell of sudden emotion. 

"Do you agree you have the intelligence, acumen, wisdom and determination to become adept to any circumstance life throws at you and overcome its challenges?"

Nodding wordlessly, she looked at Hwan and was surprised by the intensity in his eyes. He was earnest about this. 

"For a moment, let's forget it's you. Between today and the day of the procession, forty-nine days will be devoted to extensively training the candidate for the Queen. Are you aware of that?"

Jay Yi nodded and gave a small laugh. "What am I? Another of you selection candidates, Your Majesty?"

Hwan ignored her.

"Even though you do not want it, and there is no need to force yourself into it, can we safely assume you are already well-qualified, and after those forty-nine days, you might be ready to assume the responsibilities of a Queen?" 

Jay Yi opened her mouth for a quick denial, then closed it shut, aware that Hwan could read her like an open book.

"So, how about I offer you an appointment?"

"An appointment?" She looked at him warily.

"Once you wanted to be my Head Eunuch. Instead, I want to appoint you as my Queen. I need one desperately. Think of it as employment, much like the Head Eunuch."

"An employment?" Jay Yi's almond eyes widened, and much to his pleasure and satisfaction Hwan glimpsed the spark of intrigue in her eyes.

"Yes. I am offering the employment of a government position to the person I feel is most qualified to take it up. You will be trained and have many daily duties like any government official."

"Ah! And what would be my pay?" 

"As a Queen, you will have a substantial amount of resources at your disposal, but you are already aware of that."

Jay Yi carefully folded her hands in her lap and considered it. 

"I would also like some extra perks."

Hwan's eyes crinkled in amusement. Jay Yi, as always, was a negotiator.

"What would they be?"

"I need time to think about it."

"All right, I give you three days and grant you three perks of your choice. But -" Hwan felt a blush creeping up, but he ploughed through without meeting her eyes, "You cannot stipulate restrictions regarding the marriage bed."

Unexpected peels of laughter burst out from Jay Yi. 

"What is so funny?" Offended, his eyes narrowed.

"Which government position comes with a stipulation of sleeping with the King? Head eunuch's would not!" Fresh mirth shook her shoulders. 

Something stirred in his eyes, a gleam that burnt through Jay Yi. Her throat constricted, all thoughts of humour fleeing her mind.

He stood up and circled the table, extending an arm to her. Jay Yi hesitated for a moment before placing her hand in his. With a gentle tug, he helped her to her feet. 

Hwan pretended to ponder over it for a moment. "I might have considered offering you the job of the Head Eunuch, too, but I am afraid it would make all other Eunuchs very jealous because I would not let you leave my chambers at all." Hwan tried to make light of the situation. Instead, it created a riot of images in his mind as Jay Yi coloured, her lashes sweeping down shyly. 

Jay Yi looked at their clasped hands, his thumb smoothing out her skin absently. "Ah! But are they not already used to me not leaving your chamber?" 

"I supposed they are," Hwan reflected. "But, are you?

She wracked her mind for a witty reply, and none came. Jay Yi could only watch him, completely tongue-tied. 

"I am afraid sleeping with the King would be the most important part of your duty, with or without a damned title, and it's off the table for any negotiations," Hwan said huskily. "You think as a head eunuch you would have escaped that duty?" Jay Yi could suddenly feel the heat building up within her. He traced the back of his fingers lightly on her cheek, something he loved to do whenever the clogs of his mind went on overdrive. 

His breathing deepened. Mesmerised, she watched him as he lowered his head, covering her mouth in a searing kiss that shot butterflies tingling all through her body. The man who commanded her body to beat to his drums was back as Hwan traced her lips, his breath hot and urgent. Her hands climbed up around his neck as she entwined her fingers. His one hand pressed against her back, the other covered her breast, his thumb finding its way to the tip through the silk of her jacket, while his tongue pushed all barriers aside, leaving a trail of fire in her mouth that made her want more. 

Jay Yi arched back in surprise as a wave of pleasure consumed her, the movement fusing their bodies even more. A suppressed moan of pleasure escaped Hwan as her soft body pressed close, the sound bringing the realisation he needed to get his bride home, and they still had millions of formalities to complete.

It took everything he had to pull away from her. He was breathing as if he had run miles. She trembled in need. 

"You are such a twit. Why do you think it took me so long to come and get you? I already have to answer my Master for keeping his daughter in that awful eunuch's clothes for so long, and I have died a little every day trying to do this right, so don't you dare think I would settle for less. So tell me, what are you so afraid of, Jay Yi?" His mouth was so close to her ear that it sent a tide of sensuous shivers pouring through her body.

" Of letting you down," she replied simply. He could sense the terrible conflict within her. 

"You could never let me down even if you tried."

"That is your bias speaking, Your Majesty."

He kept both his forearms on her shoulders, leaning on her slight frame, looping his fingers behind her neck to create some distance between her and his raging body and keep his mind focused on the task of convincing her. "No one is truly more suited than you, Jay Yi. Moreover, it was not my decision alone. It's just that I did not realise it sooner." 

He chuckled at her baffled look. 

"It is Abbamama and Left Councillor Han's wish as well. The entire Royal Wedding Directory worked for months to make this happen without my knowledge."

Jay Yi's hands flew to her mouth, her mind refusing to process what he said. 

He gently pried her hands away from her mouth and pulled her to him, holding her close, his chin atop her head.

"I want to convince you more, but I am afraid we might never make it to the Palace at this rate..." He closed his eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath.

He finally cupped her face, looking deep into her eyes as if he wanted to reach her soul.

"Come home, Jay Yi."

She had no defences left.

"Yes, Your Majesty."