Chapter 9 - Shit... (TW; Self-h*rm)

He feels so empty. So alone. Like nothing mattered. But also like everything mattered. Everything mattered in hopes to fill this empty void in him. Though, nothing mattered because there was no fixing this empty void in him. He was stuck in this constant conflict of needing everything and everyone, to needing nothing and having nothing matter to him. He would constantly split on his friends and family, going from loving them one minute to hating them the next. There was no in between. It was always all or nothing with him.

In his lifetime, he has lost a great many friends. Because of him splitting on them, they could never handle him and how he would devalue them one moment and then idealize them the next. Eventually, his friends would get fed up with this treatment and leave. Leave him. Alone. The one thing he feared most was being left alone, abandoned. And they just left him. Sure, it was understandable in their situation.

Did they ever take into consideration his feelings? How he would feel? To him, they never cared, they never cared about him at all. If they truly cared, why would they leave him? Friends are supposed to be there for you in the good and bad, right? So why would they leave when he got worse? That means they never cared then, right?

He realizes this is irrational. He knows they care, he knows they did. But with how he would treat them sometimes, he understood their reasoning. However, his irrational mind would take over often. His mind would be filled with all these irrational thoughts, and he had no control over them.

What did he ever do to deserve this? To deserve to live in this constant fear of being left alone, of being abandoned. To live with the constant, unfillable sense of emptiness. What has he done to deserve to lose all of his friends over something he can't control? Why? Why him of all people? Why is that? What was so wrong with him? Would Aether do the same thing to him?

Xiao came to, coming out of the dissociative state he was in. He felt dozens of sharp pains on his right side.

Shit.

He looks down at his body, he was shirtless, and on his right side, there were dozens of cuts all along his side. He had no recollection of doing them. Did he- did he dissociatively do them?

Putting the scissors away into his desk where they usually would go, he closed the desk drawer and picked up his phone. He opened his conversation with Aether and typed a message to the other man: "I fucked up."

Seconds later a call came through from Aether. The man sounded frantic as he immediately began asking things about the text he just received. It sounded as if Aether was going somewhere from his apartment as he heard the sound of a door locking on the other end.

"What happened, Xiao?" Aether asked, which was the question he asked the least freaked out, he said it more calmly. Aether must have been going somewhere since he heard the sound of a car starting.

Xiao began to explain the situation, how he had begun spiraling about his past, not his exes, but just how people would abandon him and leave him. And how when he came to, he found cuts on his side with a pair of scissors in his hand.

Aether let out a sigh at that, not out of annoyance, but out of almost relief. Relief it was just cutting. Which sounds fucked up, but it was less serious than if he had taken too many pills. Though, it's still a serious situation and he understood that.

"Give me one minute." Aether stated calmly, as he heard the sound of a door slamming behind him. Suddenly, there was a buzz from where his front door was, signaling to him that someone came to visit him. The call ended from Aether's end.

Xiao walked to the door and checked to see who buzzed the door. Almost unsurprisingly, it was Aether. He hit the button to unlock the lobby door and he saw Aether walk through it. A moment later there was a knock at the

He opened the door for the blonde, who looked gorgeous as ever. He wore something similar to when Aether had brought food over the first time. It was a similar sweater to last time, still oversized, only this time, it was more to the side and showed off his shoulder and collarbone. He wore the same shoes, however, instead of booty shorts, he had on a very tightly fit pair of yoga pants.

Xiao gulped at the lump that formed in his throat, his face heating up slightly; he assumed this was because of how Aether was dressed, though, he didn't know for sure. The only other reason he could think of was because he was shirtless, but that didn't quite make sense because Aether had seen him shirtless before.

"Please, come in." Xiao quietly piped in, moving to the side to let Aether into his apartment. Aether took a few steps in, letting Xiao have enough room to close the front door.

After Xiao closed and locked the door, Aether grabbed one of Xiao's hands and began dragging him to the bathroom. He turned on the light to the room and began looking for a washcloth in the closet. The blonde set it aside as he washed his hands with warm water and soap to disinfect them, then, he grabbed the discarded cloth to begin soaking it in warm water. Once the washcloth was soaked in the water, he turned the water off and pumped some soap onto it.

"Ready?" Aether asked as he kneeled onto the floor, face to face with the fresh cuts on Xiao's side.

"I suppose I don't have any other choice, so yes." Xiao half sighed, waiting for the stinging feeling he felt last time this happened.

"That's good then." Aether said as he presses the cloth to the others skin, patting at the bleeding cuts. He started at the top, working his way down the other's side.

"I have a question. Uhm… answer as honestly as you want to." Xiao muttered to the other

"Sure. What's up?" Aether replies, continuing what he was doing.

"Why do you keep doing this for me? Like- cleaning me up." Xiao asks, sounding slightly hesitant.

"Because I care about you, why else? You're an important person to me, so obviously I'm going to take care of you, Silly." Aether responded, still dabbing at Xiao's side, occasionally applying pressure to stop any active bleeding.

"I- uhm- I care about you too…" Xiao whispers, almost in shock at the confession that Aether cares for him.

Aether lips curled into a small smile at the other's words.