Worthless Chapter
Here is some dad jokes to get past 15k words limit lol, enjoy it throughly.
----------------------------Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.
How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!
I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?
I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.
My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!
I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!
My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.
When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.
What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.
You can't spell par entry without "try."
How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!
How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.
Two sheep walk into a—baaaa.
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.
What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.
I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!
Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.
I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.
Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.
What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!
How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.
Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.
How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!
Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.
What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!
Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.
What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!
Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!
I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.
Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.
What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.
Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.
It really takes guts to be an organ donor.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!
What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.
How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.
I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.
I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!
I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!
What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.
What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1
What do houses wear? An address.
What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.
What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown
Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!
Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.
1. There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. (…Only a fraction of people will get this clean joke.)
2. What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics!
3. Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
It had great food, but no atmosphere.
4. What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, it just waved.
5. Do you want to hear a construction joke?
Sorry, I'm still working on it.
(Unsplash)
6. Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents!
7. Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks!
8. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other's a little lighter.
9. What does a nosey pepper do?
It gets jalapeño business.
10. Why should you never trust stairs?
They're always up to something.
11. When does a joke become a 'dad' joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Related: Christian Jokes
12. Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
He got fired.
13. What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderpants
14. I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.
No pun in ten did.
15. How do you measure a snake?
In inches—they don't have feet.
16. Where does a waitress with only one leg work?
IHOP.
17. What does a house wear?
Address!
18. Why are toilets always so good at poker?
They always get a flush
19. Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands. (I love this joke because it never grows old.)
20. You heard the rumor going around about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
21. Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, 'What's your favorite kind of music?'
The other replies, 'I'm a big metal fan.'
22. The first rule of the Alzheimer's club is…
Wait, where are we again?
23. I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But if anything, it made him more sluggish.
24. What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
25. How does NASA organize a party?
They planet.
(Unsplash)
26. What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
27. You know, it was so cold in D.C. the other day, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
28. How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?
Ten tickles
29. Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?
Well, honestly, he's a real pain in the neck.
30. My teachers told me I'd never amount to much since I procrastinate so much.
I told them, "Just you wait!"
31. Why were they called the "dark ages?"
Because there were a lot of knights.
32. What gets wetter the more it dries?
A towel.
33. Why aren't koalas considered bears?
They don't have the right koala-fications.
34. You: What cartoon mouse walks on two feet?
Them: Mickey Mouse
You: What duck walks on two feet?
Them: Donald Duck
You: No, all ducks do!
35. Want to hear a joke about a roof?
The first one's on the house.
36. What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You probably think it's "R" but it be the "C".
37. How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?
Because they're always stuffed.
38. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
39. Where should you go in the room if you're feeling cold?
The corner—they're usually 90 degrees.
40. I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
41. What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
42. What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
43. You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
44. A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
45. How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
(Unsplash)
46. What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
47. As a scarecrow, people say I'm outstanding in my field.
But hay, it's in my jeans.
48. Why don't blind people skydive?
Because it scares their dogs.
49. What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste, mostly.
50. I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.
Related: Halloween Jokes
51. I told my friend ten jokes to make him laugh.
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
52. I couldn't believe the highway department called my dad a thief.
But when I got home, the signs were all there.
53.Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.
54. Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course! The Empire State Building can't jump.
55. What did the duck say when it bought some lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
56. George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.
Clooney says, "I'll direct."
DiCaprio says, "I'll act."
McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
57. A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey!"
The horse replies, "Sure."
58. I googled "Rorshach test."
But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.
59. What do we want?
Low-flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
Nnnnneeeeeeeeeeoooooooooow!
60. I tried to win a suntanning competition.
But all I got was bronze.
61. How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?
Approximately 1 GB.
62. Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they'd be bagels.
63. What do you call malware on a Kindle?
A bookworm.
64. Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
The doctors say it was due to too many strokes.
65. Why are crabs so bad at sharing?
Because they're all shellfish.
(Unsplash)
66. What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around.
67. How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
68. What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky.
69. I started a new job as a tailor last week.
It's been sew-sew.
70. What concert only costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
71. What kind of shoes does a spy wear?
Sneakers.
72. I've been trying to make a sarcastic club, but it's been really hard to tell if people are interested in joining or not.
73. And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life."
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
74. What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
75. My wife accused me the other day of being too immature.
I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort.
Clean Jokes for Adults
76. Someone stole my mood ring yesterday.
I still don't know how I feel about that.
77. A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please."
78. I tried to catch fog yesterday.
Mist.
79. Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
80. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.
You have my Word.
81. What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, it's not going to come anyway.
82. You know what they say about cliffhangers…
83. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
84. A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
85. I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald's farm.
I'm the new C-I-E-I-O.
I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.
Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.
I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
RIP, boiling water. You will be mist.
A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.
Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.
I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.
Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.
Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.
I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.
My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.
I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.
I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know what comes first.
I'm friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don't know Y.
Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they're out of pasta, and we're penneless.
Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
Most people can't tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can't find the words for how much this bugs me.
Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.
A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.
We're renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.
I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!
It's raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.
At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn't any good, but now I stand corrected.
My toddler is refusing to nap. He's guilty of resisting a rest.
I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!
I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.
I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn't differentiate between them.
I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!
Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.
The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.
I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!
Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.
I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.
My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can't say I'm surprised.
If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.
I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn't fit — what a huge waist!
I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.
Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.
I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.
I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
Why do melons have weddings?
They cantaloupe.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
Why did the photo go to jail?
It was framed.
Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
Why did the baby strawberry cry?
His parents were in a jam.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear?
14 carrot gold.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snowbank.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satis-factory.
WOMAN'S DAY/GETTY IMAGES
What did the ocean say to the sand?
Nothing — it just waved.
Why couldn't the sailor learn his alphabet?
He kept getting lost at C.
What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits.
What do cows most like to read?
Cattle-logs.
What do you call an unpredictable camera?
A loose Canon.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn't see himself doing it.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?
Then it'd be a foot.
Why is the grass so dangerous?
It's full of blades.
How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch.
WOMAN'S DAY
What does the dentist of the year get?
A little plaque.
What do you call an angry carrot?
A steamed veggie.
Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?
It lifts their spirits.
How do you make an octopus laugh?
With ten-tickles.
How can you tell it's a dogwood tree?
By the bark.
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
How do snails fight?
They slug it out.
Which bear is the most condescending?
A pan-duh!
How do you get a country girl's attention?
A tractor.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
They use a honeycomb.
Why can't you trust duck doctors?
They're all quacks.
WOMAN'S DAY/GETTY IMAGES
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Neverlands.
What do you call a toothless bear?
A gummy bear.
Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.
Why was the ghost so tired?
He worked the graveyard shift.
How does a duck buy lipstick?
She just puts it on her bill.
Which school subject was the witch's favorite?
Spelling.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody Knows.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saw-us.
What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
A father-in-law.
Why do cows have hooves and not feet?
They lactose.
WOMAN'S DAY/GETTY IMAGES
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Why does Waldo only wear striped shirts?
He doesn't want to be spotted.
What do you get when you cross a cactus and a pig?
A porky pine.
How do you tell if a vampire is sick?
See if he's coffin.
Why do pancakes always win at baseball?
They have the best batter.
Why couldn't the couple get married at the library?
It was all booked up.
What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house?
The ghosts bring all the boos.
Where do pirates get their hooks?
Second hand stores.
WOMAN'S DAY/GETTY IMAGES
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable.
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?
You look for fresh prints.
What's a lawyer's favorite drink?
Subpoena colada.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
Depresso.
How do you make a water bed bouncier?
Add spring water.
Why should you always knock on a refrigerator door before opening it?
In case there's a s
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
Why won't swords ever become obsolete?
They're cutting edge technology.
Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock?
It's too time-consuming.
What kind of shoes do burglars wear?
Sneakers.
What job did the frog have at the hotel?
Bellhop.
Why did the restaurant hire a pig?
He was good at bacon.
Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover?
You shouldn't press your luck.
Why wouldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?
He was on a roll.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing — they fast.
Why did the restaurant on the moon get bad reviews?
It has no atmosphere.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper.
Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine?
He wanted his quarterback.
Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
What did the termite say after walking into the bar?
"Is the bar tender here?"
Why did the stadium get so hot after the game?
All the fans left.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
How did the barber win the race?
He knew a shortcut.
Why don't lobsters like to share?
They're shellfish.
What do scholars eat when they're hungry?
Academia nuts.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
Where do baby cats learn to swim?
The kitty pool.
Why did the bicycle collapse?
It was two tired.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels.
How does a boar sign its name?
With a pig pen.
How do you organize a space party?
You planet.
Why did the poor man stock up on yeast?
To make some dough.
What did the big flower say to the little flower?
"Hey there, bud."
How does a rancher keep track of his cattle?
With a cow-culator.
Why can't you trust an atom?
They make up everything.
Why was the robot so tired after his road trip?
He had a hard drive.
Why should you never use "beef stew" as a password?
It's not stroganoff.
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties?
He's a fungi.
What kind of car does an egg drive?
A yolkswagen.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she'd let it go.
What do you call an alligator detective?
An investi-gator.
Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
It's pointless.
When do computers overheat?
When they need to vent.
What kind of music do planets like?
Neptunes.
What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her?
"Namaste."
What do you call birds that stick together?
Vel-crows.
What do horses say when they fall?
"I can't giddy up."
What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race?
"Ketchup."
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Why didn't the skeleton get a prom date?
He didn't have the guts to ask anyone.
(Unsplash)
86. The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain today?"
And she replied, "Yes it is, and don't call me Shirley."
That was when I realized I'd left my phone on Airplane mode.
87. Why did the giraffe get such bad grades?
He always had his head stuck in the clouds.
88. Why are frogs always so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.
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89. Whenever you jump on a trampoline, did you know it changes the season?
No matter what time of year, it always becomes spring time.
90. Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with.
91. What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
92.Where do snowmen keep their savings?
In the snowbank.
93. What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks?
A roamin' Catholic.
94. Did you hear about the carrot detective?
He always got to the root of every case.
95. What washes up on very small beaches?
Micro-waves
96. What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I'm coming down with something.
97. What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?
The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
98. What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time.
99. Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing.
100. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine.
101. Why won't skeletons fight each other?
They just don't have the guts.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.
Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.
How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!
What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!
What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!
Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!
You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!
What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends.
What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!
Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.
What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!
Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.
How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!
What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!
What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.
If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.
What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.
What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.
Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.
Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.
The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.
I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.
The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.
Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.
Shouldn't the "roof" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?
All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.
The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.
If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?
RIP boiling water, you will be mist.
I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.
I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.
I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.
I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.
You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.
When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.
A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!
I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.
Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.
I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.
How does a hurricane see? With one eye.
Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.
What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!
How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!
I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.
I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.
What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.
I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.
If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?
I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.
I hate Velcro. It's a rip off.
Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.
I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.
Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.
"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.
If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.
The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
"I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."
"My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."
"Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?" "In case they get a hole in one!"
"Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera."
"What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?" "They're both Paris sites."
"What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?" "Sofishticated."
"How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?" "You follow the fresh prints."
"If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?" "Pilgrims."
"I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along."
"What do you call a factory that makes okay products?" "A satisfactory."
"Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."
"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!"
"Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet."
"What did the ocean say to the beach?" "Nothing, it just waved."
"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?" "Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels."
"I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y."
"How does the moon cut his hair?" "Eclipse it."
"What did one wall say to the other?" "I'll meet you at the corner."
"What did the zero say to the eight?" "That belt looks good on you."
"A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'"
"Where do fruits go on vacation?" "Pear-is!"
"I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."
"What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?" "Where's Pop Corn?"
"What's the best thing about Switzerland?" "I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."
"What does a sprinter eat before a race?" "Nothing, they fast!"
"Where do you learn to make a banana split?" "Sundae school."
"What has more letters than the alphabet?" "The post office!"
"Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!"
"What do you call a poor Santa Claus?" "St. Nickel-less."
"I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind."
"Where do boats go when they're sick?" "To the boat doc."
"I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady."
"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!"
"How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut."
"Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up."
"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."
"What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows."
"Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"
"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."
"What did one hat say to the other?" "Stay here! I'm going on ahead."
"Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."
"Dad, can you put my shoes on?" "No, I don't think they'll fit me."
"Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."
"What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?" "Yellow!"
"This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in."
"What kind of car does an egg drive?" "A yolkswagen."
"Dad, can you put the cat out?" "I didn't know it was on fire."
"How do you make 7 even?" "Take away the s."
"How does a taco say grace?" "Lettuce pray."
"What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y."
"Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?" "It didn't have the guts."
"What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?" "A meltdown."
"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."
"I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction."
"What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"
"What does a bee use to brush its hair?" "A honeycomb!"
"How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."
"Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!"
"What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."
"My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line."
"What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!"
"How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together."
"How did Harry Potter get down the hill?" "Walking. JK! Rowling."
"I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."
"A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest."
"You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg."
"When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?"
"I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know..."
"Do you wanna box for your leftovers?" "No, but I'll wrestle you for them."
"That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted."
"Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them."
"If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"
"What country's capital is growing the fastest?" "Ireland. Every day it's Dublin."
"I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea."
"Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines."
"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up."
"A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'"
"I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate."
"I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands."
"Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."
"I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless."
"How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!"
"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"
"Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize."
"I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it."
"I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me."
"I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!"
"I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since."
"You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine."
"What's brown and sticky? A stick."
"Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent."
"What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."
"What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."
"I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!"
"What's the best smelling insect?" "A deodor-ant."
"I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice."
"Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!"
"If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"
"I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."
"It takes guts to be an organ donor."
"If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?"
"I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"
"I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it."
Best Dad Joke Puns
"What do you call a fake noodle?" "An impasta."
"What do you call a belt made of watches?" "A waist of time."
"What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?" "Traffic jam."
"What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?" "Prime mates."
"What do you call a pony with a sore throat?" "A little hoarse."
"Where do math teachers go on vacation?" "Times Square."
"Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers."
"What does garlic do when it gets hot?" "It takes its cloves off."
"What's a robot's favorite snack?" "Computer chips."
"How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?" "Nothing, it's on the house."
"Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas."
"What do clouds wear?" "Thunderwear."
"Why are piggy banks so wise?" "They're filled with common cents."
"Why is Peter Pan always flying?" "He neverlands."
"How do you get a good price on a sled?" "You have toboggan."
"How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?" "By its bark."
"I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."
"It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa."
"What do you call a hot dog on wheels?" "Fast food!"
"Where do young trees go to learn?" "Elementree school."
"Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents."
"Can February March? No, but April May!"
"How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!"
"Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable."
"What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream."
"Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants."
"I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."
"Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!"
"When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."
"I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."
"What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer? The space bar."
"I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!"
"Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels."
"Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."
"What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."
"Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."
"What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging."
"What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam."
"Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends."
"If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?" "An iWitness."
Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!
What kind of noise does a witch's vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
How do you get a country girl's attention? A tractor.
Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.
What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.
What did the police officer say to his belly-button? You're under a vest.
What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.
My wife asked me to stop singing "Wonderwall" to her. I said maybe…
What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.
What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone.
Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.
What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.
What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.
My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.
What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.
What's the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.
How can you tell it's a dogwood tree? By the bark.
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
When does a joke become a "dad joke?" When it becomes apparent.
Related: What to Write in a Father's Day Card
Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.
Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.
What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical.
What's the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci.
Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
I want to make a brief joke, but it's a little cheesy.
Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.
5/4 of people admit they're bad at fractions.
Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key!
You're American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you're in the bathroom? European.
I've been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it's better than sitting around doing nothing.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan.
What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
What does "Rockin' Robin" do when she's bored? Tweet.
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle.
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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.
What's a crafty dancer's favorite hobby? Cutting a rug.
How does a penguin build his house? Igloos it together.
What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.
What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.
Why is cold water so insecure? Because it's never called hot.
Related: Best Father's Day Instagram Captions
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Shouldn't the "roof" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?
Stop looking for the perfect match…use a lighter.
I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it's just a bug going around.
What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.
What did the accountant say while auditing a document? This is taxing.
What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.
If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it's the real deal or just a run through?
When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two!
What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine? Can't wait to squeeze you!
What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!
Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
Someone told me that I should write a book. I said, "That's a novel concept."
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Dad Jokes
Corny Dad Jokes
What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1
I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.
If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Why do dads feel the need to tell such bad jokes? They just want to help you become a groan up.
I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work.
Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.
RIP boiled water—you will be mist.
What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.
What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A bed.
Sore throats are a pain in the neck.
What does a house wear? Address.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was out standing in his field.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don't think they'll fit me.
I've been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing. The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.
What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon.
I didn't get a haircut, I got them all cut.
Which U.S. state is known for its especially small soft drinks? Minnesota.
What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing—they fast.
What did one Dorito farmer say to the other? "Cool Ranch!"
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired.
I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record. But I love their greatest hits!
I told my girlfriend she drew on her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.
Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless.
I like telling Dad jokes…sometimes he laughs.
How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams.
The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
What's the most patriotic sport? Flag football.
Why were spectators confused by the koala's self-portrait? It was bear.
Why did the envelope take so long to get ready? It had to get addressed.
What does a karate master get rewarded with while driving? A seat belt.
What did the husband say to his wife right after getting LASIK surgery? "Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?"
What do lions use to look at their manes? Mirroars.
What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog? "It's a dog eat dog world out there."
Do mascara and lipstick ever argue? Sure, but then they makeup.
What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing.
Why did two tall people get along so well? The could really see eye to eye.
Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop? She always spilled the tea.
What does a writer have in common with a football player? Anxiety over a rough draft.
Where do wasps like to get lunch? A bee-stro.
Hilarious Dad Jokes
Why would doors do well on social media? Everyone looks for their handles.
Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver? The sink.
Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck.
What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl.
What's either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school? Hogwarts.
What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day? "You've been on fire!"
Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill.
What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion? "Let's table this."
Why was the ghost so tired? He worked the graveyard shift.
Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.
Why couldn't the couple get married at the library? It was all booked up.
How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day? He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in the shower.
What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity? "I'm a big fan."
What was Sherlock Holmes' favorite protein source? Mystery meat.
What did the dryer say to the boring duvet cover that just got out of the washer? "Don't be such a wet blanket."
Why was the cow such a heartthrob on the farm? He was a s-moo-th talker.
What's a writer's favorite train station? Penn Station.
What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles? "He's got a chip on his shoulder."
What's it called when kittens get stuck in a tree? A cat-astrophe.
What kind of shape may have been knighted? Cir-cles.
Why is sand so optimistic? It has a can-dune attitude.
What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze? The sta-tues.
What did the baker say when she won an award? "It was a piece of cake."
Why couldn't the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues? They were engaged.
What is Marco's favorite clothing store? Polo.
What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning? A breakfast bar.
What do frogs use to track their exercise? Fit (rib)bits.
What kind of cleaning product feels a lot of motivation in life? All-purpose.
Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge? The leeks.
Why was the hockey player gifted a new cap? He was known for his hat tricks.
What vegetable is kind to everyone? The sweet potato.
How was the handsome runner described? "Dashing."
What animals are the best to call if you get locked out of your house? Monkeys.
What did the geometry teacher say when the class had trouble solving a problem? "Let's try a different angle."
Why don't phones ever go hungry? They have plenty of apps to choose from.
Why couldn't the family leave the room after playing with Legos? They were blocked.
What makes a basketball court trendy and accessorized? The hoops.
What did the sapphire's best friend tell her? "You're a real gem."
Here is some dad jokes to get past 15k words limit lol, enjoy it throughly.
----------------------------Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.
How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!
I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?
I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.
My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!
I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!
My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.
When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.
What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.
You can't spell par entry without "try."
How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!
How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.
Two sheep walk into a—baaaa.
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.
What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.
I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!
Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.
I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.
Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.
What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!
How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.
Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.
How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!
Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.
What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!
Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.
What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!
Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!
I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.
Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.
What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.
Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.
It really takes guts to be an organ donor.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!
What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.
How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.
I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.
I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!
I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!
What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.
What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1
What do houses wear? An address.
What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.
What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown
Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!
Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.
Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.
How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!
What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!
What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!
Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!
You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!
What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends.
What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!
Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.
What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!
Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.
How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!
What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!
What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.
If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.
What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.
What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.
Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.
Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.
The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.
I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.
The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.
Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.
Shouldn't the "roof" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?
All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.
The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.
If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?
RIP boiling water, you will be mist.
I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.
I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.
I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.
I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.
You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.
When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.
A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!
I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.
Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.
I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.
How does a hurricane see? With one eye.
Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.
What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!
How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!
I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.
I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.
What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.
I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.
If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?
I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.
I hate Velcro. It's a rip off.
Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.
I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.
Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.
"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.
If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.
The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
"I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."
"My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."
"Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?" "In case they get a hole in one!"
"Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera."
"What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?" "They're both Paris sites."
"What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?" "Sofishticated."
"How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?" "You follow the fresh prints."
"If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?" "Pilgrims."
"I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along."
"What do you call a factory that makes okay products?" "A satisfactory."
"Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."
"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!"
"Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet."
"What did the ocean say to the beach?" "Nothing, it just waved."
"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?" "Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels."
"I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y."
"How does the moon cut his hair?" "Eclipse it."
"What did one wall say to the other?" "I'll meet you at the corner."
"What did the zero say to the eight?" "That belt looks good on you."
"A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'"
"Where do fruits go on vacation?" "Pear-is!"
"I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."
"What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?" "Where's Pop Corn?"
"What's the best thing about Switzerland?" "I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."
"What does a sprinter eat before a race?" "Nothing, they fast!"
"Where do you learn to make a banana split?" "Sundae school."
"What has more letters than the alphabet?" "The post office!"
"Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!"
"What do you call a poor Santa Claus?" "St. Nickel-less."
"I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind."
"Where do boats go when they're sick?" "To the boat doc."
"I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady."
"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!"
"How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut."
"Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up."
"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."
"What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows."
"Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"
"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."
"What did one hat say to the other?" "Stay here! I'm going on ahead."
"Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."
"Dad, can you put my shoes on?" "No, I don't think they'll fit me."
"Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."
"What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?" "Yellow!"
"This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in."
"What kind of car does an egg drive?" "A yolkswagen."
"Dad, can you put the cat out?" "I didn't know it was on fire."
"How do you make 7 even?" "Take away the s."
"How does a taco say grace?" "Lettuce pray."
"What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y."
"Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?" "It didn't have the guts."
"What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?" "A meltdown."
"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."
"I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction."
"What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"
"What does a bee use to brush its hair?" "A honeycomb!"
"How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."
"Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!"
"What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."
"My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line."
"What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!"
"How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together."
"How did Harry Potter get down the hill?" "Walking. JK! Rowling."
"I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."
"A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest."
"You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg."
"When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?"
"I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know..."
"Do you wanna box for your leftovers?" "No, but I'll wrestle you for them."
"That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted."
"Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them."
"If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"
"What country's capital is growing the fastest?" "Ireland. Every day it's Dublin."
"I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea."
"Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines."
"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up."
"A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'"
"I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate."
"I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands."
"Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."
"I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless."
"How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!"
"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"
"Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize."
"I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it."
"I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me."
"I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!"
"I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since."
"You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine."
"What's brown and sticky? A stick."
"Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent."
"What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."
"What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."
"I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!"
"What's the best smelling insect?" "A deodor-ant."
"I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice."
"Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!"
"If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"
"I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."
"It takes guts to be an organ donor."
"If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?"
"I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"
"I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it."
Best Dad Joke Puns
"What do you call a fake noodle?" "An impasta."
"What do you call a belt made of watches?" "A waist of time."
"What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?" "Traffic jam."
"What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?" "Prime mates."
"What do you call a pony with a sore throat?" "A little hoarse."
"Where do math teachers go on vacation?" "Times Square."
"Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers."
"What does garlic do when it gets hot?" "It takes its cloves off."
"What's a robot's favorite snack?" "Computer chips."
"How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?" "Nothing, it's on the house."
"Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas."
"What do clouds wear?" "Thunderwear."
"Why are piggy banks so wise?" "They're filled with common cents."
"Why is Peter Pan always flying?" "He neverlands."
"How do you get a good price on a sled?" "You have toboggan."
"How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?" "By its bark."
"I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."
"It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa."
"What do you call a hot dog on wheels?" "Fast food!"
"Where do young trees go to learn?" "Elementree school."
"Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents."
"Can February March? No, but April May!"
"How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!"
"Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable."
"What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream."
"Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants."
"I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."
"Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!"
"When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."
"I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."
"What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer? The space bar."
"I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!"
"Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels."
"Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."
"What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."
"Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."
"What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging."
"What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam."
"Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends."
"If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?" "An iWitness."
Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!
What kind of noise does a witch's vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
How do you get a country girl's attention? A tractor.
Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.
What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.
What did the police officer say to his belly-button? You're under a vest.
What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.
My wife asked me to stop singing "Wonderwall" to her. I said maybe…
What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.
What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone.
Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.
What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.
What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.
My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.
What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.
What's the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.
How can you tell it's a dogwood tree? By the bark.
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
When does a joke become a "dad joke?" When it becomes apparent.
Related: What to Write in a Father's Day Card
Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.
Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.
What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical.
What's the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci.
Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
I want to make a brief joke, but it's a little cheesy.
Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.
5/4 of people admit they're bad at fractions.
Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key!
You're American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you're in the bathroom? European.
I've been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it's better than sitting around doing nothing.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan.
What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
What does "Rockin' Robin" do when she's bored? Tweet.
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle.
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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.
What's a crafty dancer's favorite hobby? Cutting a rug.
How does a penguin build his house? Igloos it together.
What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.
What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.
Why is cold water so insecure? Because it's never called hot.
Related: Best Father's Day Instagram Captions
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Shouldn't the "roof" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?
Stop looking for the perfect match…use a lighter.
I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it's just a bug going around.
What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.
What did the accountant say while auditing a document? This is taxing.
What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.
If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it's the real deal or just a run through?
When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two!
What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine? Can't wait to squeeze you!
What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!
Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
Someone told me that I should write a book. I said, "That's a novel concept."
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Dad Jokes
Corny Dad Jokes
What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1
I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.
If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Why do dads feel the need to tell such bad jokes? They just want to help you become a groan up.
I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work.
Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.
RIP boiled water—you will be mist.
What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.
What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A bed.
Sore throats are a pain in the neck.
What does a house wear? Address.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was out standing in his field.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don't think they'll fit me.
I've been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing. The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.
What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon.
I didn't get a haircut, I got them all cut.
Which U.S. state is known for its especially small soft drinks? Minnesota.
What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing—they fast.
What did one Dorito farmer say to the other? "Cool Ranch!"
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired.
I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record. But I love their greatest hits!
I told my girlfriend she drew on her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.
Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless.
I like telling Dad jokes…sometimes he laughs.
How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams.
The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
What's the most patriotic sport? Flag football.
Why were spectators confused by the koala's self-portrait? It was bear.
Why did the envelope take so long to get ready? It had to get addressed.
What does a karate master get rewarded with while driving? A seat belt.
What did the husband say to his wife right after getting LASIK surgery? "Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?"
What do lions use to look at their manes? Mirroars.
What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog? "It's a dog eat dog world out there."
Do mascara and lipstick ever argue? Sure, but then they makeup.
What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing.
Why did two tall people get along so well? The could really see eye to eye.
Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop? She always spilled the tea.
What does a writer have in common with a football player? Anxiety over a rough draft.
Where do wasps like to get lunch? A bee-stro.
Hilarious Dad Jokes
Why would doors do well on social media? Everyone looks for their handles.
Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver? The sink.
Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck.
What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl.
What's either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school? Hogwarts.
What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day? "You've been on fire!"
Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill.
What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion? "Let's table this."
Why was the ghost so tired? He worked the graveyard shift.
Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.
Why couldn't the couple get married at the library? It was all booked up.
How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day? He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in the shower.
What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity? "I'm a big fan."
What was Sherlock Holmes' favorite protein source? Mystery meat.
What did the dryer say to the boring duvet cover that just got out of the washer? "Don't be such a wet blanket."
Why was the cow such a heartthrob on the farm? He was a s-moo-th talker.
What's a writer's favorite train station? Penn Station.
What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles? "He's got a chip on his shoulder."
What's it called when kittens get stuck in a tree? A cat-astrophe.
What kind of shape may have been knighted? Cir-cles.
Why is sand so optimistic? It has a can-dune attitude.
What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze? The sta-tues.
What did the baker say when she won an award? "It was a piece of cake."
Why couldn't the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues? They were engaged.
What is Marco's favorite clothing store? Polo.
What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning? A breakfast bar.
What do frogs use to track their exercise? Fit (rib)bits.
What kind of cleaning product feels a lot of motivation in life? All-purpose.
Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge? The leeks.
Why was the hockey player gifted a new cap? He was known for his hat tricks.
What vegetable is kind to everyone? The sweet potato.
How was the handsome runner described? "Dashing."
What animals are the best to call if you get locked out of your house? Monkeys.
What did the geometry teacher say when the class had trouble solving a problem? "Let's try a different angle."
Why don't phones ever go hungry? They have plenty of apps to choose from.
Why couldn't the family leave the room after playing with Legos? They were blocked.
What makes a basketball court trendy and accessorized? The hoops.
What did the sapphire's best friend tell her? "You're a real gem."
