112 A failure

A failure

Jaime POV

My feet were hurting. I had been walking too much, but it was still long before I reached Bronzegate by following the main road. I wish I had a horse, but there was nothing I could do about it right now. I had nothing on me. A worn and tight chainmail and oversized gambeson were all that protected me from danger, whether from other humans or nature.

So far, I have steered clear of any settlements. I avoided interactions with people as much as possible. But it can't last. I was lucky to be able to catch a few rabbits with traps, and it wasn't too difficult to find water sources in these parts. My training finally came in handy, even if I had forgotten most of it by now.

Still, there was only so much I could do. I had no coins on me. My sword, which I had stolen when escaping, was becoming blunt fast. I had nothing to sharpen it with. And most importantly, my shoes were falling apart. The rough leather was already tight on my feet, and extensive walking gave my feet plenty of blisters. And now, the leather that protected my feet was falling and tearing apart.

I needed to find new ones. Yet, I couldn't risk someone recognizing me. I was too deep in the Stormlands. And I didn't know what had happened to Stannis. Did he defeat the forces that attacked him, or was he defeated? Who were they anyway? I had no idea, and it was killing me. I had to find out sooner or later, but it was better to wait until my beard grew a bit more to hide my face.

I needed answers, but I couldn't risk being recognized. I had to return home—at least, that is what I thought I should do. But the longer I walked, the less I wanted to return. What was awaiting me back home? It wasn't even my home. It was just the place I had to return to—a place where my family was waiting for me. Or were they?

I didn't know if they even thought that I was still alive. Garlan Tyrell would return soon to King's Landing, if he hasn't yet and he will tell that I was defeated and probably killed. Stannis, didn't say anything if he wanted to ransom me or not. But from the way he spoke, it didn't feel like he wanted to let go of me, at least while I still lived.

He wanted something else from me. Well, it was too late to find out what. I could only dredge forward, slowly and painfully. But no matter how hard it was, part of me didn't want this road to end. I wanted to walk forever. I had no desire to get anywhere. Not while I thought I had nothing to return to. I didn't care about my father, and even Cersei's face was becoming blurry.

…

Falling on the ground woke me up. I was half asleep until I tripped on something and fell on something wet. I didn't even realize when it got so dark that I could barely see anything before me. It was another day; I had not bothered making a camp for the night. I should have at least made a few traps to catch a rabbit or something. Even if I didn't want to, I needed to eat.

As I tried to get up, I felt the ground quite wet and sticky. Looking at what I tripped over, I found a dead body. It was too dark to see how he died, but blood all over him and under him made it quite obvious he was killed. Looking around, I found myself in the middle of a broken caravan. Two carriages lay on the road, wheels broken.

There were six dead in total. It made me sick that I had to loot these bodies. I was a knight, pledged to. I don't even remember what I pledged to do as a knight anymore. It didn't matter anymore. I had to see if there was anything left behind. Maybe, if my luck hasn't run out yet, I will find a few coins or something worth anything.

The horses were probably taken by the bandits who did this. The carriages were empty. So, I had only the dead to look over to find anything. The shirts and coats were torn and cut, soaked in blood; they were unusable. The breeches were soiled by shit and piss. The only thing that was left of any use were the shoes.

I looked around to see if any of them had shoes my size, but I wasn't that lucky. So, I had to be happy with oversized ones. At least they will protect my feet and keep them warm. After taking the shoes that seemed to be the most comfortable, I put them on. They were as big as I expected, but there was something else inside the shoes that felt weird.

Shaking them, I heard the clanging sound of coins hitting each other. Quickly shaking down the shoe, I found two silver coins and half of a dozen copper pennies. I never was so happy to see a few coins in my life. Without wasting time, I checked everyone's shoes to see if there were more hidden treasures. In the end, I found five silver coins and a dozen copper ones.

"What am I doing?"

I questioned myself as I couldn't believe I was so happy for the few coins I found on the dead. Where was my dignity? I had none of it left. Even my decency was probably gone. I wonder what my father would think after seeing what I was doing. Would he even care? I didn't know anymore. Would he praise me for my thinking and taking action, or would he curse me for acting like a common robber?

"Agrh!"

I yelled out in anger and kicked the corpse as hard as I could. I didn't know why I was suddenly angry. I just felt like I wanted to destroy everything before my eyes. Too bad, there was no moon tonight, and there was barely anything I could see before me. Only the darkness was before me, and endless road to the place I didn't feel like I belonged to anymore.

…

The dirt and sweat in my hair and beard darkened it. I couldn't even recognize myself. It has only been ten days on the road since Tyrion left, and I have another twenty or thirty days of walking before I return to King's Landing. To be honest, I had no idea how long it would take me to return, nor did I think I should.

What was even waiting for me there? Even if I told them that Garlan betrayed us, that Tyrells had betrayed us, would it change anything? I am sure my father won't believe what Garlan will say. The fact was that he and his forces had returned unscathed while our men were gone. I was gone. But it won't change anything; with this loss, the Lannisters didn't have any men anymore.

"Another!" I yelled out as my tankard was empty.

"Sure, sure," The innkeeper limped towards my table and filled my tankard with more ale.

I should have bought supplies. Change of clothes, bread, and water. And even if I couldn't afford a horse, even if I found one, I might have gotten a ride with the coins I had. But after I started drinking, I couldn't stop. It didn't even taste good. It felt watered down but still more bitter than I was used to. Still, I order one after another, never stopping.

"I have to ask," The innkeeper didn't leave my table as he took another look at me. "Are you a deserter? I don't mean anything about it, but I've seen men like you. There are plenty of you. I would have joined King Stannis if not for my damned leg. A spear pierced it in the last war. I can't believe it was already twenty years ago. The leg was not the same after that. Anyway, I won't blame you for deserting the army, but don't cause any trouble."

I looked at the innkeeper. He didn't look like a fighter to me. His belly was too big, and his arms were too short. Even with good legs, what could he possibly do? Probably more than I could ever. All the training, all the lessons, and all the experience mattered little when faced with the enemy on the battlefield. I lost, and I lost again and again.

I was nothing but a failure. A failure of a soldier. A failure of a knight. A failure of a son. A failure or a brother. A failure of a father. A failure of a commander. A failure. A FAILURE. A FUCKING FAILURE. The tankard broke as I smashed it on the table. I even failed to do as the innkeeper asked and caused trouble. What a pathetic man I was. I should just drown in this liquor and be forgotten.

I dropped all the coins I had on the table as I stood up. My legs were unsteady, and my vision was blurry. But I could see the dozen or so people in the tavern looking at me: eight men, old with full beards, and four women trying to sell their bodies. I knew when I should leave, and I was about to, but the doors to the tavern slammed open suddenly.

"Ale!" Six laughing men entered the tavern. "And some meat."

"You again," The innkeeper sighed, but I was already leaving, so I didn't care.

"And who are you?" One of the six men tripped me, and I fell hard and the wooden floor. "I haven't seen you around."

"Look at him," Another one of them pointed at me as I slowly got on my feet. "The padded gambeson and the sword. He is a deserter."

"I think you are right, Lyon," Another one added as he took me by my arm. "Don't worry, man, we are the same. After a few battles, we decided to fuck it and left. Who do they think they are to order us to die? But you see, we didn't leave because we were afraid. We left because they didn't pay us enough. Why fight the Lannisters and the Tyrells for pennies when we can rob everyone of their gold and silver."

"Don't you agree?" I was kicked down to the floor as the fourth asked. "But what do you know? You are just some drunk coward who ran off the moment you got the opportunity. When did you leave?"

"Probably before King Stannis faced that fool Jaime Lannister," The fifth said with a hearty laugh. "He probably heard that the mighty Kingslayer was coming and ran away."

"Mighty, my ass," The six laughed with the rest. "The fool was just a spoiled Lannister. Ever since he joined the Kingsguard, what had he accomplished? Oh, yeah, he killed the king he was supposed to protect. Twice!"

"Hahaha," Even if the rest of the people in the inn felt awkward around these men, they still joined in laughing at my expense. "Hey, hey, why aren't you laughing? Don't you think it is funny how Ser Jaime Lannister is a joke? Like the rest of the Lannisters? Wait, don't tell me you are from the Westerlands."

"Nah, look at the gambeson. I think I remember the sigil of it belonging to one of these lordlings serving under King Stannis."

"Leave him alone," the innkeeper said. "He is too drunk to stand up straight. He probably didn't understand half of your words. Just take your ale and meat and get out."

"Get out?" The group turned to the innkeeper. The laughter was gone. "You are ordering us now, too? Who do you think you are? Another lordling? Huh?"

Soon, the innkeeper was thrown to the floor, and the six of them kicked him in turn. I looked at the innkeeper, who tried to protect his head, but it didn't seem like they would stop any time soon. It wasn't any of my business. I should just leave. But my anger burned inside me, and there was a group of degenerates before my eyes. I couldn't control myself.

"Hey!" I yelled out to them. The people in the tavern looked at me like I was a fool who had just gotten himself killed. "It was funny. Ser Jaime Lannister, the Kingsguard who killed his king, is a failure of a knight who didn't uphold his vows. You are right. He is nothing but a joke. I have to wonder why he was called the best swordsman in the known world when he couldn't win a single battle in a real war."

"Right?" The group laughed as one clapped, agreeing with me. "I like you. How about you join us? Let the lords and the kings fight each other. We will be the ones reaping the rewards in their absence. Just look at this fool. He can't even do anything as I beat him and take everything he is worth."

"Aye, why should I care about the kings and the others fighting each other?" I asked as I drew my sword. "It is time I fight for myself. Fuck everyone else. Fuck everything else."

"Yes! Fuck them all!" The group laughed as they shouted before my sword cut one of their heads off.

They didn't even have a chance, as drunk as I was. My hands moved fast. As they scrambled to draw their weapons, I already stabbed their hearts and cut their necks. They were slow. They were weak. And it felt so good. It felt so good to feel their blood running through my hands. It was warm and comforting. It just felt right.