Fri 5/8/2020: The Modern Witch Trial of KCK

This is, by far, one of the weirdest and wildest dreams I have ever had in my life. This was a reenactment of United States history in the modern day. And I was part of the committee that decided the witch's death, and I was the one that set her ablaze.

Plus, I changed my last name to protect myself.

Here's how it went down.

I was sitting at a desk in a courtroom, listening to the testimonials of the victims of a modern dark witch who had cursed many of the people of my hometown of Kansas City, KS.

The witch's name was Jessica Anderson. She had lightly tanned skin, curly dark brown hair and hazel eyes. She just sat there, bitch face on, and just listened.

Nobody in the city liked the bitch. Not one soul. And neither did I. To tell you the truth, we all wanted her to burn.

After listening to all the testimonials, we were sent by the judge, Jenny Mathison, into a small room, the jury room, to deliberate and reach a verdict, and to decide her sentence.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury," I said, "all in favor of a guilty verdict, say 'I.'"

Guess what? It was all "I's" from there!

"Well," I said, "I think we know where this about to go!"

"Of course," Angela, one of the jury, said. "She shall be burned to ashes for plaguing our city!"

"Exactly!"

Seconds after we reached our decisions, Judge Mathison called us back into the courtroom. And as soon as we were seated, she asked: "Jury, have you come back with a verdict?"

At this point I was quite excited. "Yes we have, your honor," I replied, taking out a piece of paper from the pocket of my blazer. I unfolded the paper and made the announcement, which was:

"We the jury, the fabulous jury, if I do say so myself, find the defendant, Jessica Elaine Anderson, guilty of the use of witchcraft against the people of this city."

As soon as the congregation heard the word "guilty," everyone rejoiced. There was an explosion of cheers, joyful crying and hugging.

Judge Mathison pounded her gavel several times, trying to get the congregation to settle down. "Order in the court!" she yelled. "We haven't even heard the punishment yet!"

And as soon as the congregation was calm and waiting for the sentence, she said to me, "Please, sir. Continue."

"Gladly." I continued to read. "Her sentence is death by fire."

Everyone rejoiced again.

"And, your honor," I continued, putting my hand up to stop them, "I have a request to make."

"Let's hear it," Judge Mathison said.

"I would like to be the one to set this woman ablaze for her crimes, for she was the one who cursed my brother to die."

"It shall be arranged," she said. "But what time shall we begin, Mr. Stevenson? And where should we set up?"

"Your honor and Ms. Anderson," I replied, "we shall all gather at Wyandotte County Park at 8:00 tonight for the witch burning ceremony."

"Very well, then," Judge Mathison said. And afterward, she announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, court is now adjourned."

And as I got up out of my chair and proceeded to leave, Chris, another of my fellow jurors, asked me: "Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, what if you get cursed?"

"Chris," I said with a sigh, "God's power is much stronger than her witchcraft. I will not get cursed."

Later that night, some of the same crowd that had listened to me read the verdict gathered at Wyandotte County Park to watch Jessica burn. Everyone, including myself, was dressed up in either a suit and tie or a dress. I could pick out a few lesbian and bi women by their pantsuits.

I positioned myself in front of the podium with all the microphones pointed at me and said into them: "Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here tonight to witness the burning of the witch Jessica Elaine Anderson. And I can see that some of you from the court trial are here tonight. And I would like to extend my thanks to the guys of CNN, MSNBC and the Fox News Channel for agreeing to broadcast this ceremony to the public. And just a warning to the parents of children under 15: change the channel now; I don't want your kids to be scared. I'll wait a moment."

And after two minutes of silence to allow those with under-15 children to change the channel, the ceremony was finally set to begin.

"And now," I continued, "without any further ado, bring Ms. Anderson forward!"

By two police officers, Ms. Anderson was brought towards a group of rocks around a pile of firewood.

"Now, as thirsty for what's about to happen as I am," I said, getting a laugh out of a few people in the crowd, "the witch must be stripped down to the undergarments. Joseph, if you please."

Joseph, one of my jurymates, took off Jessica's denim jacket, then took off her oversized T-shirt, which revealed that she was wearing very short shorts.

"But she can keep the shorts..." I told Joseph, blushing. "And I can see she has a bit of curve on her."

The crowd laughed again.

"Damn, that witch thicc as hell!" a male member of the crowd blurted.

"Ain't she?" I replied as I watched Jessica blush. "And that's exactly where she's going!"

Then, after snapping out of my thirst, I announced, "Now Ms. Anderson must be laid down on top of the wood pile and bound down by the chains."

Joseph and another jurymate of mine, Piper, took Jessica and laid her across the wood pile, and then cuffed her up by her ankles and wrists.

"Now, Emilia and Chris, drench Ms. Anderson in the lighter fluid."

Chris and Emilia, yet another of my jurymates, squeezed three entire bottles of lighter fluid onto Jessica's body so that she shined.

I went up to her and asked, "Any last words, witch Anderson?"

I put the mic I was holding up to her mouth so that everyone could hear what she was saying.

"I'll get my revenge, Stevenson!" Jessica said to me. "I'll get my revenge for the life you now rob me of! My spirit will lay a curse down on you! I will come for your family and your wife! You will suffer! Suffer, I say!"

"Hmph... I think not, witch Anderson!" I replied. "My God possesses much more power than you ever will!"

She tried to shoot a mystifying glare at me, but I was unfased.

"Gina, the torch, please."

As Gina passed the torch to me, Jessica braced herself for what was about to happen to her. She was going to burn for her dark ways.

"And now, L's and G's, Jessica Elaine Anderson is going to burn for the use of dark witchery."

Just then, I heard a familiar chant from the back of the crowd: "Burn the witch! Burn the witch!"

The chant spread like wildfire. "Burn the witch! Burn the witch!"

And it grew louder and louder and louder! "BURN THE WITCH! BURN THE WITCH! BURN THE WITCH!!"

I turned to Jessica, and I could see that her belly was pulsing in and out with her quick breathing; I knew that the fear was setting in now. And I knew that her about-to-be-incinerated heart was pounding, just fit to burst out of her bosom.

"In the holy name of our Father, the son and the Holy Spirit," I said, slightly lowering the torch, "you shall burn to ashes by the holy flames!"

I lowered the torch to Jessica's oiled-up belly, and as soon as the flame touched the oil, flames began to erupt and cover her entire stomach, and I stepped back.

As the crowd, the jury and I watched, Jessica screamed as the flames spread to her thighs and her upper arms, then past her knees and elbows, all the way down to her hands and feet.

"By the power vested in me, I commit thy soul to hell!"

The flames became more powerful, and the undergarments and shorty-short shorts she was wearing burned quickly, and her slightly tanned skin began to disintegrate to ashes.

Ten minutes later, Jessica's whole body had burned to ashes, and the crowd was erupting with cheers of rejoice.

"Never again will dark magic plague our city," I said. "I think this calls for a celebratory feast! On me!"

And so, I joined the crowd in joyful celebration, and from that night on, dark magic never plagued Kansas City, KS again.