I don’t know if I want this man

Dear readers, after reading this chapter, you will understand why I had to write it in third person. Even though I have lived all these experiences, the one I narrate is very traumatic for me. And if I wrote it, it would present more pain than facts. I assure you, the events here are very important to say. Let's go to the chapter.

It is very difficult to describe João Neto's reaction when he met the prostitute who had so awakened his desire at the hotel by the sea. Firstly, the whole situation was very strange for him, he did date men, but almost always with the same ones, so much so that he had sexual relations with the same prostitute for almost five years.

Now he was standing at the door of a coastal hotel, during business hours, to meet a faceless prostitute. Imagine, dear reader, what a situation. That man could be anyone, including a partner at the newspaper. But it wasn't anyone from João Neto's professional circle, which didn't stop him from feeling embarrassed by the situation.

That day, João Neto left home early as if he had an urgent commitment. He arrived at the newspaper before anyone else, he brought forward all the meetings he would have at the end of the afternoon. And at 3 pm he left for an appointment with no time to return, perhaps he wouldn't even return to the newspaper. In the newsroom, they deduced that he would have one of those important meetings with important people that he always had. Who would dare ask?

It was nothing related to the newspaper, he had crossed almost the entire city to find the object of his desire. The man who would make her experience the breath of life that sex was capable of giving her. A feeling that neither success nor money gave him.

Inside the room, perhaps more embarrassed than João Neto himself, the boy, who now showed his face, said, after recovering from his surprise and embarrassment:

- In between! – closing the door immediately afterwards.

Then he opened the minibar and took out some water. But João Neto didn't accept it, he took the bottle of whiskey and drank from the mouth of the bottle, as if he had returned from the desert and saw in that bottle the only water he had seen in the last two days. The boy was really very handsome, even more so than in the photos and videos.

Five big drinks later, João Neto looked back at the boy in front of him, dressed only in beach shorts, his body still wet from the shower and his hair well cut. There was no beard on the boy's face, just traces of some sparse hair, which had recently been shaved. The legs also appeared to have been shaved. The boy couldn't face his customer's surprise, so he sat on the bed, looking to the side.

João Neto came and also sat on the bed, but a little far away. The boy's smell messed with his senses. He didn't look at the prostitute either, he looked away and looking out the half-open window that showed the rough sea, with the tide rising, he thought about what to do. And then he stood up and said:

- I better go.

- Do not go! – said the boy, hugging him.

That hug awakened sensations in João Neto that he thought no longer existed, that were dead. His whole life he dreamed of feeling that again, but he didn't know that accompanied by that feeling would also come pain. A dense feeling took over his soul and he violently pushed the boy.

He looked at the boy on the ground, scared. And he found himself on the riverbank, lying on the ground, watching Tiago walk away saying he wasn't queer. There was no way to hold back the tears, João Neto burst into tears. His tears involuntarily came out of his eyes while from the ground the boy looked at him without saying anything. Embarrassed, João Neto lay down on the bed and covered his face with the pillow in a childish attempt to hide his crying.

The young man stood up and hugged him from behind, letting his beardless face touch the customer's neck. Who in sobs asked:

- Why did you do that with me?

The boy remained silent, just hugging him tighter. And João Neto sobbed and cried more and more, like an inconsolable child.

- Forgive me! – he heard the boy say with a trembling voice – what do you want me to do? It tells me.

- All my life I carried the guilt of not having you with me anymore, I thought that the fact that I was gay was the reason for keeping you away from me – said João Neto – turning to face the boy – and now I I'll meet you here. I find you here after crying I don't know how many nights because I kissed you. “I’m not queer” those words poisoned my soul my entire life, I lost the person I loved most because I was gay… – after a short pause – forget it, I’m leaving. – He stood up, wiping away his tears.

- Don't go, Neto, forgive me, I was scared when you kissed me that day. I didn't want others to think that I also liked men, in fact I didn't even know that at the time. It was precisely that kiss that showed me that I also liked men. – replied Tiago, walking towards João Neto.

They approached and Tiago held João Neto's hands and looked him in the eyes. It didn't even seem like 18 years had passed between the moment on the river and that moment. Their faces slowly got closer, Tiago's breathing was like a breath of life. The freshness of his breath set the room on fire. But when their lips came closer so that the desire was just one soul, João Neto removed his face and walked away.

He wasn't ready to forget the big black hole that love had left in his soul. He had been an incomplete man all his life because he felt guilty for pushing away his best friend, the only man he truly loved. His life had always been incomplete, and now the missing piece was there, but it didn't fit.

- You do not want? – asked Tiago, surprised.

- Don't worry, I'll pay for the program... you won't waste your time – João Neto replied harshly.

- I'm not talking about money. - He responded offended, Tiago.

- But isn't it for money that you do what you post in those videos? – João Neto tried to feel better by trying to make Tiago feel bad. Deep down, he felt jealous of having seen the love of his life in such explicit scenes with other people. He felt hatred knowing that others had enjoyed the only thing he really wanted in life.

Tiago fell silent and sat down on the bed. Not everything was as João Neto thought. He wanted to explain, but his old friend, who kissed him in the river 18 years ago, didn't seem interested. However, after some insults and jabs, João Neto changed his tone and decided to ask about Tiago's life. First, I wanted to know about Agostinha. She was dead, unfortunately.

After marrying Agostina, Tiago went to live in Pará, in the Brazilian Amazon, she was pregnant. Life had finally smiled on them, he was going to be a father. Despite being young, that had always been Tiago's dream, and João Neto knew it. But a fire on the farm where he worked took Agostina and the son she was carrying in her belly, who was six months pregnant.

João Neto hugged his friend when he saw him crying at the story he was telling. With the death of his wife, Tiago lost himself in alcoholism and it was during this time that he began doing programs to support his addiction. He got used to the work and decided to invest in the profession. He had been in São Luis for two years and lived in a beach house close to the hotel where he was staying with João Neto, the property he got from a millionaire client with whom he had a relationship for a year.

Upon hearing the story, João Neto felt even more embarrassed by the reaction he had. The two hugged, now without hatred. Like him, Tiago had also faced his demons. Life had brought the two together again and shown them that they needed each other, and they knew it.

After what they talked about and unloading so many hurt feelings, there was no mood left for a sexual relationship. João Neto looked into the eyes of the one who was and still was the love of his life and assured him that he was not alone. Their lips met, and the tear-filled kiss sealed the reunion of two souls that should never have been separated.

The two left the hotel and went to dinner at João Neto's favorite restaurant. It was necessary to celebrate that reunion, they were together again. And that was all that really mattered.

- Do you have hair on your cock? – João Neto asked his friend, laughing, remembering his childhood and added – no matter what problem arises, if you have hair in your ass you will certainly overcome it. That was always his superpower – it was the only way to make Tiago smile.